The Test

[Cactus Gauge]

Scene opens up in a doctors office, with Cactus sitting on the table. There is a knock at the door and an older doctor walks in.

 

Doctor: Mr. Gauge, very nice to meet you.

 

Cactus: What it do Doc?

 

Doctor: What seems to be the problem?

 

Cactus: Something is wrong with my little man.

 

Doctor: Your little man?

 

Cactus: My baby maker.

 

The doctor just stares at Cactus with a confusing look.

 

Cactus: My beaver basher, my dipstick, my hog, my lap rocket, my heat-seeking moisture missile, my Mr. Knish, my piss weasel, my quiver bone, my thunderbird 3, my Wiener Schnitzel, my yogurt gun....

 

Cactus: My penis, doc - come on!

 

Doctor: So what's wrong with it?

 

Cactus: It burns when I pee and has a little red bump on the side.

 

Doctor: Let's take a look at it.

 

Cactus: Like, right here, right now?

 

Doctor: Unless you have a better idea.

 

Cactus reveals his manhood to the doctor who examine his patients problem area.

 

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

 

Cactus: Depends on how active you consider active?

 

Doctor: Have you had sex in the past 2 weeks?

 

Cactus: I have been. Two weeks ago. Crazy night back home in NOLA.

 

Doctor: Ok, so we need to run an STD test. So I'll have a nurse who will come in here an help you.

 

After the doctor walks out a beautiful young nurse walks in and hands Cactus a cup.

 

Nurse: If you would, please fill this up as much as you can. I'll step out and just let me know when you're done.

 

Nurse walks out and leaves Cactus to fill his cup.

 

Cactus: Ok. Whew, let's do this. Where is some material to help get things going here.

 

Cactus looks around for some 'material' to help get him 'started'.

 

Cactus: Damn, what kinda place is this? Am I supposed to just use my imagination? Damn it. Whatever, let's get this over with.

 

Cactus finishes pleasuring himself into his cup with the nurse had given him.

 

Cactus: Ah, damn. That didn't take long. I can't just call her back in already. I mean, I am Cactus Gauge - I have a reputation to uphold.

 

Cactus waits 10 minutes before calling the nurse back in.

 

Nurse: All finished Mr. Gauge?

 

Cactus: Yes ma'am, it's over there on the counter.

 

The nurse walks over and picks up the cup. She stares at it for a few moments before placing it back down on the table. She picks it up again and shakes it and then places it back down again.

 

Nurse: Mr. Gauge, is this what I think it is?

 

Cactus: Of course it is - what else would you think it was?

 

Nurse: Mr. Gauge, we only needed a urine sample!

 

Cactus: Wait - what?

 

The nurse hands Cactus another cup, looks him over, rolls her eyes and shakes her head as she walks out.

 

Nurse: Fill this one up with a urine sample this time, please, Mr. Gauge.

 

Scene fades to black as the nurse walks out of the room, leaving Cactus embarrassed and staring at his new cup in hand.