The Search for a Gentleman

[Cactus Gauge]

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Outside of Gentleman Jacks Gym arrives a dust covered uber, freshly arrived from the airport. The back door opens and out steps Cactus Gauge. Tanned and refreshed, Cactus adjust his white sunglasses, grabs his bags and swings open the side door to the gym; expecting to see his fellow Club members working out.

 

Cactus: Mennn.....

 

Cactus looks around to an alarmingly quiet and empty gym. A faint and funny recognizable smell lingers in the air. Lights are on, but no one is home.

 

Cactus: Where the hell is everyone? I was expecting champagne, women, music; you know - a Club welcome!

 

Just then there was a knock at the front door. An older lady, well dress, stands outside. Cactus drops his bags and opens the door.

 

Cactus: Yes ma'am?

 

Lady: Are you Dustin White?

 

Cactus: No - why?

 

Lady: You aren't Dustin White?

 

Lady: Do you need batteries?

 

Lady: Sir, this is a very serious matter. I am looking for a Mr. Dustin White.

 

Lady: Ma'am, with all due respect I don't know where anyone is and like I told you, I am not Dustin White. He's probably in his Splinter costume somewhere eating cheese and scratching his balls. I don't know where he's at and I have things to go do - so good luck to you.

 

Cactus attempts to close to door in the lady's face when a 3 inch heel steps in the way to stop the door from closing.

 

Cactus: What tha...

 

Lady: Mr. White, I am not impressed by your suave look, your intense muscles or your handsome face. I am here to serve you papers AND YOU WILL take these papers.

 

Cactus: For Pete's sake little lady, what is your problem?

 

Cactus: And Dustin isn't this diviner.

 

Lady: Look, I've been chasing you down for weeks. I am not leaving today until you take these papers. You will be served today.

 

Cactus: Ma'am, I am not...

 

Just then the door is kicked open as the little old lady places a solid kick to the bottom of the door, causing it to crash into Cactus shoulder and forcing him to fall and bump his head on the floor. The little lady steps in and stands over him.

 

Lady: Mr. White, consider yourself served.

 

The little lady places the papers in Cactus' bag before turning to walk out. She abruptly stops and returns to Cactus who is laying on the floor holding his head. She reaches down and feels up his chest, in the creepiest manner possible. Biting her lip she gives Cacti a wink and then turns and leaves out the door - slamming it shut. Cactus takes a few minutes to shake off the bump to the head. He reaches in and takes the newly served papers out before ripping it up and throwing it across the room.

 

Cactus: What the hell is wrong with people now-a-days? Mean ole heifer.

 

Cactus screams: I think that's rape in some states!

 

Cactus: I am being molested by old ladies who are severing my turtle loving friend with papers that I could careless about. I've got a headache now, I need a drink and I have a sudden urge to spine bust someone.

 

Cactus, while rubbing his head: I have to find Jack ...

 

Scene fades out as Cactus sits on the floor, holding his head.

[Cactus Gauge]

Scene opens up outside of Jack's favorite bar as Cactus walks in. The bar is empty as it's only 3 in the afternoon. A lone bartender stands behind the bar, possibly sleeping while standing up. Cactus walks up to the bar and takes a seat. Slapping the bar, he startles the bartender.

 

Cactus: My apologizes sir.

 

Bartender: What will it be.

 

Cactus: I am looking for someone who attends this parsonage. He's a gentleman. A man among scalawags. He is all things that are right with this world. He is dressed well, speaks well and has the walk of a man-gazelle.

 

Cactus: And a cranberry juice and vodka also.

 

Bartender: I have no clue who you're talking about.

 

Cactus slaps the bar again.

 

Cactus: Sir. I've been molested, kicked, served and I am pretty sure I am married in 24 of the states. I've made a great movie in the jungles of Mexico, I am the greatest interviewer Turmoil has ever seen, I am beloved and I am pretty sure I offended an intern by calling her a monkey.

 

Cactus stares off into space.

 

Cactus: I didn't mean the last one though.

 

Turning back, Cactus grabs the bartender by the shirt and pulls him to the other side of the bar.

 

Cactus: I am looking for my friend. Short fella, about yea high.

 

Cactus puts his hand up about waste height.

 

Cactus: He speaks kind of funny and usually has a massive mound of flesh with him. His name is Jack.

 

Cactus: Gentleman Jack.

 

Cactus lets go of the bartender and fixes his shirt.

 

Cactus: Now, kindly sir. Have you seen him?

 

Bartender: He was in here 2 nights ago. He was alone and wasn't acting like himself. Was mumbling something about being enlightened and had a new way of thinking.

 

Bartender: Sir...

 

Cactus: What?

 

Bartender: Sir.

 

Bartender: He ordered water.

 

Cactus gasp.

 

Cactus: It can't be.

 

Cactus stands up and stumbles backwards. Stunned at the news he had just heard.

 

Cactus: I've got to find him quickly.

 

Scene ends with Cactus rushing out of the bar and the bartender trying to recompose himself.

[Cactus Gauge]

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Scene opens up with Cactus Gauge sitting outside of a hospital in a black unmarked SUV. Drink in the console and a white bandana wrapped around his neck. He's tapping at the glass, and looking like there is a plan in his head which was about to go down.

 

Cactus: Ok, yep, let's do this. This has got to be it.

 

Cactus steps out of the SUV, places the bandana around his nose and mouth and walks into the hospital. He takes a moment to review the map and find the psych ward and then heads down a long hall. Cactus didn't pause at the inquiries from the nurses station as to why he was there. Cactus quickly scanned each name on the doors throughout the hall; simply looking for Jack's name to come across his view. Turning a corner he finds a man, mumbling to himself and staring at the corner of two walls. The man was short, slender and wore a top hat which had seen better days.

 

Cactus: Jack! Damnit, I knew I'd find you.

 

Cactus quickly grabs the medicated man and throws him over his shoulder. As he turns to walk out with his new found friend, security and nurses have now gathered to stop Cactus from taking their patient.

 

Cactus: Look, do you know who this man is?!?!

 

Cactus: You can't keep him in here.

 

Security Guard: Sir, put the man down please. It's going to be ok.

 

Lady Nurse: Please sir, listen to the officer. We can help you.

 

Cactus: He's not an officer and I am not crazy! Jack's coming with me.

 

Security Guard: We can't allow that to happen.

 

Cactus looks around for an avenue of escape but only finds a window. The group is now closing in on them when Cactus pats his friend on the ass.

 

Cactus: Hold on Jack, I am going to get you out of here.

 

As the security officer lunges at Cactus, Cactus gives him a kick to the sternum and then jumps through the the window.

 

Male Nurse: That was pretty impressive.

 

Quickly gathering himself, Cactus finds "Jacks" hat and places it back on his head, before throwing him back over his shoulder.

 

Cactus: Come on Jack, I've almost got you out of here.

 

Sirens begin to sound as Cactus runs towards the SUV to complete the break out. Quickly opening the passenger door, Cactus throws the helpless body into the passenger seat and buckles him in. Running back to the driver seat, Cactus jumps in and throws the SUV into reverse. Before pealing away, Cactus looks over to celebrate a successful breakout with the Club leader.

 

Cactus: We flipping did it, Jack! You're ou....

 

Cactus pauses as he stares into the face of a man who seemed to be 100 years old, drooling and smelling as though the adventure which he had just completed with Cactus had not been agreed to by his anus.

 

Cactus: Ah shi...

 

Cactus gives himself a quick slap to the forehead.

 

Cactus: You're not Jack! Why didn't you say something!

 

The old man mumbles something incoherently.

 

Cactus sighs: Ya. I hear you.

 

Cactus: Ok, new plan.

 

Cactus unbuckles the old man and stops the SUV at the front entrance. A crowd of employees and security people are now running towards the SUV when Cactus opens the door and boots the ancient old man onto the ground.

 

Cactus: I am sorry. That's not him. You guys were right.

 

Cactus: But look, get him some help. He's going to need a cleaning.

 

The SUV door slammed shut as Cactus leaves the scene in haste and the scenes fades out.