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How The Gentleman Stole 4/20


Gentleman Jack

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Every Pugh Down in Pughville Liked 4/20 a lot...

But the Gentleman, who lived just north of Pughville, Did NOT!

The Gentleman hated 4/20! The whole 4/20 season!

Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.

 

It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.

It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.

But I think that the most likely reason of all,

May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

 

Whatever the reason, His heart or his shoes,

He stood there on 4/20 Eve, hating the Pughs,

Staring down from his cave with a sour, Gentlemany frown,

At the warm lighted windows below in their town.

 

For he knew every Pugh down in Pughville beneath,

Was busy now, hanging a 4/20 wreath.

"And they're hanging their bongs!" he snarled with a sneer,

"Tomorrow is 4/20! It's practically here!"

 

Then he growled, with his Gentleman fingers nervously drumming,

"I MUST find some way to stop 4/20 from coming!"

For Tomorrow, he knew, all the Pugh girls and boys,

Would wake bright and early. They'd rush for their bowls!

 

And then! Oh, the joys! Oh, the joys!

joys! joys! joys!

That's one thing he hated! The joys!

joys! joys! joys!

 

Then the Pughs, young and old, would sit down to a feast.

And they'd feast! And they'd feast! And they'd FEAST!

FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!

They would feast on Pugh-pudding, and rare Pugh-roast beast.

Which was something the Gentleman couldn't stand in the least!

 

And THEN They'd do something He liked least of all!

Every Pugh down in Pughville, the tall and the small,

Would stand close together, with 4/20 bells ringing.

They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the Pughs would start singing!

 

They'd sing! And they'd sing! And they'd SING!

SING! SING! SING!

And the more the Gentleman thought of this Pugh 4/20 Sing,

The more the Gentleman thought, "I must stop this whole thing!"

 

"Why, for thirty-three years I've put up with it now!"

"I MUST stop this 4/20 from coming! But HOW?"

Then he got an idea! An awful idea!

 

THE Gentleman GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know just what to do!" The Gentleman laughed in his throat.

And he made a quick Versus hat and a coat.

And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Gentlemanly trick!"

"With this coat and this hat, I look just like Saint Rich!"

 

"All I need is a reindeer..." The Gentleman looked around.

But, since reindeer are scarce, there was none to be found.

Did that stop the old Gentleman? No! The Gentleman simply said,

"If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead!"

 

So he called his dog, Max. Then he took some red thread,

And he tied a big horn on the top of his head.

THEN He loaded some bags And some old empty sacks,

On a ramshackle sleigh And he hitched up old Max.

 

Then the Gentleman said, "Giddyup!" And the sleigh started down,

Toward the homes where the Pughs Lay asnooze in their town.

 

All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.

All the Pughs were all dreaming sweet dreams without care.

When he came to the first little house on the square.

 

"This is stop number one," the old Gentlemany Versus hissed,

And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.

Then he slid down the chimney. A rather tight pinch.

But, if Versus could do it, then so could the Gentleman.

 

He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.

Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue.

Where the little Pugh bongs all hung in a row.

"These bongs," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"

 

Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,

Around the whole room, and he took every present!

Pop guns! And bicycles! Roller skates! Drums!

Checkerboards! Tricycles! Popcorn! And plums!

 

And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Gentleman, very nimbly,

Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!

Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the Pughs' feast!

He took the Pugh-pudding! He took the roast beast!

 

He cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash.

Why, that Gentleman even took their last can of Pugh-hash!

Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.

"And NOW!" grinned the Gentleman, "I will get high as fuck! Wee!"

 

And the Gentleman grabbed the tree, and he started to shove,

When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.

He turned around fast, and he saw a small Pugh!

Little Cindy-Lou Pugh, Pugh was not more than two.

 

The Gentleman had been caught by this tiny Pugh daughter,

Pugh'd got out of bed for a cup of cold water.

She stared at the Gentleman and said, "Versus, why,”

"Why are you taking our 4/20 tree? WHY?"

But, you know, that old Gentleman was so smart and so slick,

He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!

 

"Why, my sweet little tot," the fake Versus lied,

"There's a light on this tree that won't light on one side."

"So I'm taking it home to my workshop, my dear."

"I'll fix it up there. Then I'll bring it back here."

 

And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted her head,

And he got her a drink and he sent her to bed.

And when CindyLou Pugh went to bed with her cup,

HE went to the chimney and stuffed the tree up!

 

Then the last thing he took Was the log for their fire!

Then he went up the chimney, himself, the old liar.

On their walls he left nothing but hooks and some wire.

 

And the one speck of food That he left in the house,

Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.

Then He did the same thing To the other Pughs' houses

Leaving crumbs Much too small For the other Pughs' mouses!

 

It was quarter past dawn... All the Pughs, still a-bed,

All the Pughs, still asnooze When he packed up his sled,

Packed it up with their presents! The ribbons! The wrappings!

 

The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings!

Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mt. Crumpit,

He rode with his load to the tiptop to dump it!

"PoohPooh to the Pughs!" he was Gentlemanishly humming.

"They're finding out now that no 4/20 is coming!"

 

"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!"

"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two,

Then the Pughs down in Pughville will all cry BooHoo!"

 

"That's a noise," grinned the Gentleman, "That I simply MUST hear!"

He paused. And the Gentleman put his hand to his ear.

And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.

It started in low. Then it started to grow.

 

But the sound wasn't sad! Why, this sound sounded merry!

It couldn't be so! But it WAS merry! VERY!

He stared down at Pughville! The Gentleman popped his eyes!

Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Every Pugh down in Pughville, the tall and the small,

Was singing! Without any presents at all!

 

He HADN'T stopped 4/20 from coming! IT CAME!

Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And the Gentleman, with his Gentleman-feet ice-cold in the snow,

Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?"

 

"It came with out ribbons! It came without tags!"

"It came without packages, boxes or bags!"

And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.

Then the Gentleman thought of something he hadn't before!

 

"Maybe 4/20," he thought, "doesn't come from a store."

"Maybe 4/20...perhaps...means a little bit more!"

And what happened then? Well...in Pughville they say,

That the Gentleman's small heart Grew three sizes that day!

 

 

And then, the true meaning of 4/20 came through,

And the Gentleman found the strength of ten Gentlemen...plus two!

And now that his heart didn't feel quite so tight,

He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light!

 

With a smile in his soul, he descended Mount Crumpet,

Cheerily blowing "Pugh-Pugh!" on his trumpet!

He rode into Pughville, he brought back their bowls!

He brought back their floof to the Pug girls and boys!

 

He brought back their snoof and their tringlers and fozzels!

He brought back their pan-tookers, their dazzlers and wozzels!

He brought everything back, all the food for the feast...

And he, he himself...the Gentleman...carved the roast-beast!

 

Welcome, 4/20, bring your cheer, cheer to all Who's far and near!

4/20 is in our grasp, so long as we have hands to clasp!

4/20 will always be, just as long as we have thee!

Welcome, 4/20, while we stand heart to heart and hand to hand!

  • Mark Out! 11

http://i.imgur.com/FPLnAHN.jpg

 

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