Cort Marshall Posted April 14, 2018 Posted April 14, 2018 Host: Ladies, gentlemen, and people of all genders, welcome to yet another STAR STUDDED episode of “Are You Nicer than an SJW!” Allow me to introduce today’s participants… Cort makes his way from backstage, stepping out from the curtain and politely waving to the crowd. Host: First up, Sergeant Cort Marshall! An OCW superstar and former champion, he’s gotten in some hot water with his boss and hopes to redeem himself on today’s show! Cort makes his way to center stage and sits down behind the contestant’s podium. Host: And secondly, today’s judge! Hailing from a very liberal college in california and raised by upper middle class parents who brew coffee one keurig pod at a time, she majors in women’s studies and runs a blog on cultural appropriation in the saxophone manufacturing industry in her spare time: Francine Lebowski! Cort nervously stares as all 270 pounds of the judge shuffles over to the judge’s podium. She sits down emphatically, like a skyrim NPC. Host: In case you don’t know the rules by now, the game is set up like so: the judge will ask questions of the contestant, and there are four possible answers. There will be five questions, and Cort must get at least three right to pass! If he does, he obtains our sought-after certificate AND a life’s supply of rice-a-roni, the San Francisco treat! The crowd cheers. Host: Now that we’re through the pleasantries, without further ado… let the games begin! The stage lights up and a jingle plays before the judge reads out the first question. Cort scratches his chin. Cort: Well… my first reaction WOULD be Jay. Because everything is his fault. But considering the context of the… oppression… that… people of colour go through every day… He coughs. Cort: Excuse me. As I was saying, in context of the oppression people like Jay face from colonizers clickbombing the site to vote on popularity polls, I’d have to blame… Cort: Hnng. Cort clutches his chest. Judge: Uh, are you… Cort winces in pain. Cort: I’ll be fine. Cort: I’d have to blame wypipo. Ding ding ding! Host: Your answer is correct! The crowd applauds. Judge: That was an easy one. Let’s see how well you do on this: Cort: A collection of watermelons? Judge: It’s hypothetical. You have 5 seconds. Cort: UH TUSKEN RAIDERS BUZZ Host: Sorry, that’s wrong! The correct answer was: Donald Trump. Judge: Donald Trump stole your watermelons and gave it to the rich because he hates the middle class. Cort: I find that extremely hard to believe. Judge: The middle class part? Cort: No, that Donald can’t afford his own watermelons. Host: Getting a little off track here, people. Judge: Sorry. Ahem. Cort: OBVIOUSLY C because that’d be badass as… He trails off. Cort: My apologies, I misspoke. I meant D, because though you may think it’s funny, online harassment is no joke. He smiles directly into the camera, completely disingenuous.. Host: Correct! Judge: I personally am victimized daily by people on the internet calling me names, and I’m impressed that you understand how I feel. Thank you! Cort: You’re welcome. What kind of names? Judge: excuse me? Cort: What kind of names do they call you. The judge sniffs. Judge: Well everyone from high school still calls me “The Big Lebowski.” Cort’s mouth twitches and he breathes through his nose, trying not to laugh. Cort: That’s absolutely hil--orrible. Horrible of them. Judge: It’s not my fault. I have a glandular problem! Next question: Cort: Oh, that’s easy. A. BUZZ Judge: Actually, no. Tusken raiders are constantly disparaged for their accuracy and are often targets of slaughter. The men, the women... even the children, too. Host: If Cort gets one more question wrong, he’s out! He has to get the next question right or else! Cort pulls on his collar. Judge: This next one is about videogames. Cort pulls on his collar harder. Cort: I have literally never played a videogame in my life. This isn’t fair. Please. Judge: Should have thought of that before you got yourself on this show! Cort shifts uncomfortably, looking around the room as the clock ticks down. Cort: I just need to think… what would an OCW veteran do… Cort rubs his bald spot, before blurting out: Cort: TETS. Judge: What? Cort: Big fat tets… is all people think of when they see women in videogames? Because of the prominent display of said tets? Host: Correct! It looks like we have a WINNER! Confetti cannons blast, and the jingle plays again. The host hands Cort his shiny, spanking new certificate. Printed in colour, too, so you know they spent the big bucks. Cort: Yes! Now where’s my rice-a-roni? Host: It’ll be delivered to your house via dump truck within the week. Cort: Thank you, thank you! Just watch for the landmines. Host: This has been another heartfelt episode! Tune in next week to see a former KKK member go toe to toe with a half-asleep Stevie Wonder! Goodnight, everybody! The camera zooms out, panning over the stage and audience, before the credits roll. 6
Tiberius Dupree Posted April 14, 2018 Posted April 14, 2018 This shoulda been on 500 b! 1 "You either die a hero or live long enough to become Nate Ortiz" - Drago Cesar "Let me make myself clear: you work for me. If I tell you to fight Blaine, you fight Blaine. Hell, if I tell you to fight a lion, you WILL fight a lion and still thank me afterwards for giving you a job." - Mr. Sensation
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