TJ Stevens Posted August 20, 2018 Posted August 20, 2018 We join today's OCW action in an open air conference, in sunny Hawaii. The tables are set up and decked out in local regalia, done up to emphasise the islands culture. Members of the press have gathered, a single microphone adorns centre stage. A man stands in front of it, dressed casually. Host: Ladies and gentleman, our guest at this time…. From side stage barges Thomas Archer, knocking a traditional Hulu dancer off of the stage and onto the floor. He ignores her screams of pain and seizes the microphone for himself. Archer: I know your pain Pocahontas, I too can not cope in the finest Armani suit in these aborhable conditions… Archer looks to the broken woman with a smile. Archer: I mean, how can a country be so underinvested in that even outside is warm? Haven't you fish eaters ever heard of air conditioning or civilisation? Gosh. Archer shakes his head and addresses the audience. Archer: However, on behalf of 0.5% studios I would like to address the elephant in the room, to answer the burning question everyone has… Just how has Bird Nehst managed to force himself onto the Summercide weekend show? Well… The answer is simple. I don't know. The crowd snicker, drawing a grin from Archer. Archer: Laughable, isn't it! A man so devoid of personality, talent and spirit that he has agreed to be the cameraman for myself and Elsa's steamy romp, “The Billionare Who Shagged Me.” I know, I know. You thought he loved Elsa? It seems he's… let it go. So what am I going to do about it? Archer takes the microphone three times. Archer: I am going to make him scream… First I took his passion, then I took his woman… And at a Summercide I will take his livelihood. I will… Archer snaps his fingers together loudly, letting it echo. Archer: Snap his legs just like that and you'll all hear him scream… Then you'll hear his hand smashing the mat in submission… Just like I smashed Elsa on the flight over here. Enjoy the rest of your humid squalor, I have some air conditioning to take care of. Archer goes to leave but a hand rises. Reporter: Is Austin Lee here in Hawaii for his title match? Archer: Austin Lee is at the bar, waiting for me to have some Mojitos and MaiTais. So shut your trap. This conference is over, play the outro music! Archer walks off stage as some elevator style music plays and the feed cuts off. 5
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