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Cort's Journey Part 1


Cort Marshall

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The scene is set with Cort Marshall, depressed after his losses at Summercide, eating a full bucket of ice cream and getting ready to watch a movie.

 

Cort: Kung Pow, Enter the Fist is sure to cheer me up!

 

He slides the VHS out of its well-worn sleeve and plops it in the machine, savoring the satisfying CLUNK as it settles in.

 

The movie starts, a movie he’s watched a thousand times. He’s at the part where the Chosen One faces off against Wimp Lo--but Wimp Lo looks a little different. Pastier. More flamboyant. Bigger head. Cort wonders, for a moment, if he accidentally rented a pointless remaster. But George Lucas didn’t direct this movie… curious.

 

Master: I must apologize for Wimp Lo. He is an idiot. We have purposely trained him wrong, as a joke.

 

Then, Wimp Lo turns to the camera.

 

Wimp: You! Fellow bald American!

 

Cort: What? That’s not in the script.

 

Wimp: I know it isn’t!

 

Cort gawps at the screen.

 

Cort: How--who--what--when--

 

Wimp puts a finger to his lips and shushes Cort, as the rest of the scene plays as normal.

 

Wimp: Calm yourself, my overly-patriotic friend. It’s me, B-17!

 

Cort: But… how are you in the movie?

 

B-Lo narrows his eyes: Have you not seen the shows within the shows showing me in the shows?

 

Cort: Not all of them, no. I’ve been busy, okay!

 

B-Lo: Well, I’m trapped… in the vaporwave world. I am still trying to escape. But while inside this dimension of old movies and neon palm trees and floating macintoshes, I saw Soooomercide.

 

Cort: Ugh.

 

B-Lo: I know. But do not give up, my able-bootied friend. You must seek enlightenment to grow stronger. You must relax your thighs… clear your mind… open your legs…

 

Cort: Listen, I don’t care how you got in there and I can’t get you out. But can you please stop making weird sexual innuendo and let me watch the movie?

 

B-Lo: You listen, Cort-son! You want to win, yes?

 

Cort: I do.

 

B-Lo: Then you must get stronger. You must master the ways of the punch. Sting like a butterfly, float like a bee.

 

Cort: I don’t think that quote is right.

 

B-Lo: That is your problem! Too much thinking, not enough DOING. Like an ant that just runs around on a roadway, not knowing where it is going. If it just walked straight, it would be safe! But it zigs and zags until someone in a big monster truck crushes it…

 

Cort: Enough with the philosophy. How do you propose I get stronger?

 

B-Lo: Deep in the mountains of Tibet, there is a man I learned many things from. He transmitted to me many techniques, among… other things. Learn from him, if you can prove yourself worthy. Make your way to Tibet; go alone. When you arrive, ask about the legend of 大头同性恋男子.

 

Cort: The legend of whahawaha ha ma ha?

 

B-Lo: Use google translate. You’ll figure it out. For now, I must go. Good luck, find the crack of deep power! Plum it's depth, and curl like Schwarzenbingo.

 

With that, B-Lo flexes his pythons while shuffling offscreen, leaving Cort befuddled.

 

Cort: Maybe I really do need to make a change… how much are plane tickets?

 

He slides his Palmpilot Palm VII™ out of his pocket, and begins to type.

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