Cort's Back, Baby/Pre Rumblegrounds

[Cort Marshall]

[PREVIOUSLY RECORDED]

 

We see a plane, flying over the ocean. The shot continues for a few seconds, before switching to an interior view, showing a beleaguered and disheveled Cort Marshall. He’s nodding off, and his head droops over, landing on his seatmate’s voluminous shoulder. The seatmate is a strikingly obese woman with the requisite obese woman ponytail, and she recoils in horror as Cort’s head hits her shoulder, waking him up in the process.

 

Lady: Disgusting! Ex-CUSE me!!!

 

Cort: Wha… what?

 

Lady: Keep to your own seat!

 

Cort, in no mood for sass, retorts.

 

Cort: It’d be easier if you didn’t take up most of mine yourself, Unicron.

 

Her face becomes beet red, and her voice increases an octave and a few decibels.

 

Lady: EXCUSE ME!?

 

Cort: Yes, excuse you. Exactly.

 

The lady hails a stewardess.

 

Lady: Stewardess. Excuse me, STEWARDESS!

 

She leans over Cort to talk to the stewardess, and he groans as he gets a face full of bingo wing.

 

Lady: This man is a public nuisance, could you remove him?

 

The stewardess, face plastered with the fake smile of anyone whose job requires them to deal with the most fucking annoying people in the world on a daily basis, politely shakes her head.

 

Stewardess: I’m afraid not ma’am, seats are full and he’s a priority passenger.

 

Lady: Priority!? I’m a mother of five! How am I not a priority!

 

Cort mumbles from underneath her:

 

Cort: Same priority as using condoms.

 

The lady elbows him in the chest, and Cort gasps in pain.

 

The stewardess tries to intervene, but the Big Red Machine will not be stopped. She rises out of her seat and starts screaming bloody murder, tossing stuff out of her purse at the stewardess. A few more employees arrive and restrain her, pulling her into the aisle and off camera.

 

After they’re all gone, Cort grins and shifts in his seat, laying sideways and planting his feet onto his seatmate’s former position.

 

Cort: Miracles do happen.

 

He proceeds to fall asleep, resting up for RUMBLEGROUNDS!

 

---

 

Later, we’re backstage at the Rumblegrounds PPV, and we see B17 sitting on a bench after his match with Thomas Archer, mulling over the loss. Suddenly, Cort Marshall arrives onscreen.

 

B17 looks up. Cort looks down. They stare at each other for a second.

 

Cort: So. You’re back from the videoverse.

 

B17: And you’re back from training. Did you learn anything?

 

Cort: Sure did. But a lot of it was forbidden from broadcasting on TV. Which I’m fine with. Just means I now have… a secret weapon.

 

B17 cocks his fist and smiles.

 

Cort: And a few bruises in weird places.

 

B17: It happens! You should see the one on the inside of my--

 

He’s interrupted by a voice from offscreen.

 

???: Hey, hey, hey! Where WERE you?

 

Both men turn to see Christian Shepherd, gesturing at Cort, who casually shrugs.

 

Cort: Tibet.

 

Shep: TIBET? You went to Tibet. Without telling me. Then you come back 5 minutes before your match, without telling me. You know how I found out you were here? A fuckin road agent. A road agent! Instead of calling me up and saying, “Hey, the guy you’re challenging for the titles with next season hasn’t died from an exotic STD,” you run over here and gladhand with gay Lex Luthor. Christ!

 

Cort and B17 are shocked by the outburst.

 

Cort: I dunno what to tell you, man, I forgot.

 

B17: Who’s Lex Luthor?

 

Shep shakes his head.

 

Shep: Sometimes I have no idea how you live without professional help.

 

Then we hear Cort’s music hit for the rumble.

 

Cort: Oh, shit!

 

He looks back and forth between B17 and Shepherd.

 

Cort: We’ll, uh, resolve this later? Gotta split! America needs me!

 

This leaves Shepherd and B17 in the room.

 

B17: Hey, don’t look at me. I just gave him advice while trapped inside of a videotape.

 

Shep: … What?