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RIOT CASTOFF: Cort and Jehst discuss Dane Xavier and future opportunities!


Cort Marshall

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We cut backstage, where Jim Black is walking through the halls of the arena, seemingly looking for someone. He passes by Hollywood USA, who are clustered around one of those big jug water coolers. Jehst is trying to get some water, but it isn’t working. He pushes the handle two or three times… nothin’ doing. Meanwhile, Cort calls out to Jim.

 

Cort: Hey!

 

Jim looks around.

 

Cort: Hey Jim! You busy?

 

Jim looks at the camera, silently responding with “no sh*t sherlock.”

 

Jim: Well, yes.

 

Cort: That’s great. Come over here. I got another interview for you.

 

Jim grimaces but gestures the camera closer anyway, while Jehst complains at the water machine.

 

Cort: I won’t take too much of your time, but I just figured after all that went on at Lution, I better make a few things clear.

 

Jehst: Damn it! Hollywood is THIRSTY for some water juice!

 

Cort: So first of all, Hollywood Money isn’t going a--oh jesus.

 

The camera darts back to Jehst, who has lifted up the water cooler into a gorilla press, and is catching *some* of the water in his mouth. The rest of it splashes everywhere, onto the ground, onto Cort, and half of it down Justin’s own shirt. Cort stares in awe before Jehst puts it back down, gasping.

 

Jehst: MUCH BETTER. How am I supposed to hydrate after my workouts if the damn machines don’t work? I mean, where’s the ticket sale money going?

 

Jim: … Very Impressive. Anyway, I believe you were saying something about your team?

 

Jehst: Oh, yeah. You guys all saw Lucha Country! Horrible.

 

Cort nods.

 

Cort: Typical luchador, does so many flips his whole brain flips with him. How could you do that to the most dangerous refrigerator and nicest man in OCW? His mom gives people free BBQ! FREE. BBQ.

 

Jehst: We’re not about that. Hollywood USA has been going solo-dolo for a while… but we’re still a team. And we want to make it clear if anybody wants a tag team competition, our schedules are free…

 

Cort holds up a finger.

 

Cort: In between putting Maxx Edwards back on the five dollar rental rack next to Ice Pirates and Fateful Findings.

 

Jehst chuckles and flexes.

 

Jim: Yes, congratulations on your win on the big stage--word is management is very impressed with your performance lately!

 

Jehst: Needless to say, the Jehst Man impressed... man!

 

Jim: And Cort, obviously not so successful at Wrestlution Fifteen, but I’m sure you have some words about that.

 

Cort wraps an insincere arm around Jim’s shoulders.

 

Cort: Jim, do I got words about everything? Yes. Yes I do. And let me tell you them.

 

Jim makes another face while Cort continues.

 

Cort: Sure, I lost. That’s fine. I went about thirty tough minutes in there with two of the best. And I did what I said I was gonna do. I kicked Iceman’s ass for being such a slimey weirdo--ring post powerbomb anyone--and I proved to Rust Cohle I am EXACTLY the man I say I am. No bullshit, no sneaky business, and if I had locked in just one Cortplex you KNOW that match woulda been over in half the time.

 

Cort: I wish Mr. Frenchblade the best in his future endeavors, and even better if they don’t involve losing his mind in a conspiracy against me, please and thank you.

 

Jim: Now, that’s not all that happened involving you at Wrestlution… need I mention the man whose expensive interview set you just ruined, Dane Xavier?

 

Cort: Indeed’t you needn’t. Listen. I know this guy is a legend by whatever metric--titles, trophies, having been here before the age of the dinosaurs I guess--but I don’t care. That’s all fine and dandy. Congrats to him. But he wants to clock me one with a diamond ring after I’ve already gotten hit in the head, what, a hundred times that night?

 

Cort: Sorry bub, that’s a dirty move. And dirty moves get payback. You, and Dillinger, and Vajazzle or whatever her name is don’t just get free shots on the Cortster. Whatever you wanna do here in OCW, that’s your business; but mess with me, Mister Diamonds on the Soles of his Shoes, and I’ll be sending you back to Graceland.

 

Cort holds up a can of Milwaukee's best and smiles, toothily.

Cort: Sorry about your chair, bro.

 

Jim: Well, thank you… I think… for the colourful words as always. One can only imagine what the future holds for the tag team titles, and I’m sure both these men are very curious to find out. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got somewhere to be!

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