April 13

 

I woke up today.

Had breakfast.

2 Eggs, scrabbled, toast, bacon, jam.

I washed the dishes, folded the laundry, vacuumed, put everything away.

Then I sat outside on the back porch with my dog and just looked, I didn't think, just watched the sky and clouds move. It was nice outside, warm, clear.

 

I decided to walk my friend. He was happy; I smiled.

At about One O’clock I got back home from the walk.

I took a shower and made myself a sandwich.

That was about the time I had to go to my therapy session with Geoff.

 

Geoff is nice but I don't trust him.

He reminds me a lot of my past.

I don't like to bring that up. It hurts too much. The pain. And it was all my fault. She left because of me. They are gone because of me. I haven't seen them in almost 2 years. I doubt they even think of me, well he doesn't know who I am. But I hope she's happy now. That's all I ever wanted. Her to be happy. I loved her. I think I still do. He wasn't happy with her. "She wasn't good enough for us," he said. I thought different.

 

It's getting harder to suppress him now. Geoff says I need to keep this journal. He asked me if I was writing everyday. I lied. When I left the office. I was happy, No- I felt accomplished, like I'd done something right.

At about Four O’clock I got a call from my "friend" Chris. I trust him. He's nice, too nice. So I try to stay my distance. Not because of him, but I know that I will eventually hurt him. I told him about my dream. He knows a lot about what happened. But I let him because I've know him so long. But he knows I can't help some of the things I do and he tries to make me feel better by telling jokes or by helping me calm down by saying he's not me. BUT I KNOW HE'S THERE! In me. I hate him. But I can't exist without him.

 

I guess that's why I began to fight now. Because it could let some of the rage go without letting him out. I can control myself but I can't control him. I've hurt too many people. I'm sorry. Hopfully the tears on the page will mean something to someone. They help the pain some. Because they hurt so good.

 

I'm supposed to sign these.

 

K. Felix

Nice journal, and not the norm at all. Which makes this a nice read. But please, use spellcheck next time. Thats all i ask.

 

Other than that, thumbs up

For some strange reason that reminds me of Monk from the show Monk