Commercial Break

[Useless Dane Xavier]

The scene opens on a green-screen set of OCW's commercial taping. Dane stands wearing a very nice white Armani suit and a black silk shirt. He doesn't look too pleased as he is on his phone with his assistant, Jasmine Dejour.

 

Dane Xavier: This is ridiculous Jasmine, they've had me standing here on this set, making me do stupid things, and when I do something too eccentric, they want me to tone it down. Jesus Christ, the entertainment world just doesn't understand what charisma is these days. I'm afraid to use my blue-tooth because these monkeys wont understand what the hell I'm doing.

 

Just then, the director comes up to Dane.

 

Director: Alright Dane, I need you to--

 

Dane Xavier: Hold on a sec Jasmine. *Dane moves the phone from his ear and looks at the director.* Do you mind? I'm having a very important conversation here.

 

Director: Well we just need to wrap this up. There's a certain time allotted to--

 

Dane Xavier: Hey listen, why don't you take a break, huh?

 

Dane turns his attention to everyone on the set.

 

Dane Xavier: Hey everyone, take five, we're going to take a five minute break, mkay? Good.

 

Director: Hold on, you can't tell my people what to do, they work for me, not for you. I'm a very busy man, I can't just-- *muffle muffle muffle*

 

The directors words are cut off by a cookie, which has just been taken from a nearby table and stuffed into his mouth by Dane.

 

Dane Xavier: Oh good, you shut up. Now listen, you might be "the boss" around here, but nobody is the boss of Dane Xavier, you got that? Now go on, you've got four minutes left of your break. You've worked hard, have a cookie... looks like you've already got one, good, now get outta here.

 

The director walks off as Dane recomposes himself and puts his ear back to the phone.

 

Dane Xavier: Alright, I'm back...

 

Dane Xavier: No I didn't shove a cookie into his mouth...

 

Dane Xavier: Okay fine I did, but that's only the second time that's happened today, I'd say I'm doing pretty good for myself...

 

Dane Xavier: Aw c'mon, it's a really good way of shutting people up, especially if they're fat, something I learned from hanging with Chris Baxter all the time...

 

Dane Xavier: Alright, I'll be good, but I want you to make sure they have this commercial ready in time for Riot...

 

Dane Xavier: Yes, this week's Riot, the day after tomorrow...

 

Dane Xavier: I don't care what headquarters set the deadline for, I'm changing the deadline...

 

Dane Xavier: Look Jasmine, it's all about give and take. OCW wants to risk injury to the biggest asset they have by putting me in a match with Parker right after I had Baxter take it to me, then I'm going to change the deadline on their commercial. Sure it's a small thing, but it's how I get my fix. This is MY commercial, I'll do what I want...

 

Dane Xavier: No I don't understand what goes into putting a commercial together, I'm not some nerd that sits behind a computer all day, I'm a talented man who deserves to have his face plastered all over the place...

 

Dane Xavier: I don't care if they won't be too happy about it, I've been treated very poorly here! The room temperature is a degree under my preference, I specifically asked for Chinese food and they provided Asian, and nobody knows what the hell they're doing here...

 

Dane Xavier: Haha, alright you got me there, I did contradict myself didn't I?

 

Dane Xavier: So you'll make sure they meet my deadline?

 

Dane Xavier: Alright, great. See you soon. Haha, buh-bye.

 

Dane hangs up his phone and stuffs it into his pocket.

 

Dane Xavier: *starts clapping* Alright ladies take your places, let's get this thing going. We're going to do this right, we're going to do this fast, and we're going to do this MY WAY! Camera men keep it aimed at me, valets see me afterward for my hotel key, and director you're fired because I'm in charge of this thing now.

 

Director: You can't fire me!

 

Dane Xavier: Well get lost, I've got it from here chubs. What is this, an OCW Promo Room camera? Get that thing outta here.

 

Dane puts his hand over the camera lens and that's how the scene concludes.