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Lifestyles of the Pissed and Aimless

Bobby Minio

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The hustle and bustle of an airport assaults its way onto the screen, the visual of crowds walking in every direction, the sound of thousands of independent conversations competing with the clap of feet over hard floor for top billing for the concert in your ears. The camera focuses on a line of irritated travelers, arrivals, who hold their bags defensively. Signage reveals that we are looking at a Customs line.


We focus on one man in particular. He stands at somewhere that would clock in as somewhat above average, with an athletic build barely hiding under a hoodie and jeans. Beard scruff covers his sneering face, and if he weren’t wearing a pair of Wayfarers, we would see bags under his eyes. The One Man Revolution, Bobby Minio, curses the very namesake of JFK airport silently on screen.


He shifts his weight suddenly, reaching into his pocket with a quick jolt. He removes a cellphone, and stares at it, nearly in disbelief.


Bobby Minio: Sonuvabitch. The guy finally returns a call and of course he does it when I was mid flight.


His eyes roll quickly, but he moves the phone to his ear to check the message. He begins to reply out loud, as if the voicemail were a conversation and not a recording.


Bobby Minio: Yes, OCW is back.. I have no idea… Yes, we’re all gonna be there… How did you not know this?


With a groan, he swipes across the phone to return the call. He waits impatiently, and of course, finds himself speaking to a voicemail.


Bobby Minio: Dude, how are you going to ignore my call AGAIN? Mug… ugh. Look, I’m at Customs, I just got back from Bayamòn and some Rican promoter tried to stab me over a goddamned promo! I’ll answer all of your questions, but you gotta do be a solid. A C4 SOLID… ‘Brother’. I need you to pick me up at JFK, and I need a couch to crash on. I spent my hotel money on an early flight out of that hell hole and I’m in a pinch here. CALL. ME. BACK.


The call ends as Minio reaches the front of the Customs line. The Customs Agent has the look of an 80’s movie villain who deals in shady real estate or city planning, think Walter Peck in Ghostbusters. He has a particularly shitty look on his face, and Minio knows he is in for trouble. Before Minio can even speak, Customs Officer ‘Peck’ rips Minio’s bag from his arm, opens it, and begins rifling through his belongings.


Bobby Minio: Excuse me I-


Immediately, the Customs Officer’s face tightens, and his eyes narrow. He looks over Minio’s shoulder, making a gesture. Another Customs Officer arrives. They speak into a walkie talkie. Minio realizes this has gone south, but it’s happening so fast. Two men in military uniforms show up, hands resting on their pistols with the holster unsnapped.


Customs Officer: This man has been selected for inspection. He was acting in a threatening nature. Be advised.


As Minio’s jaw drops in disbelief, the men grab him firmly by the biceps and lead him toward a nearby room.


Bobby Minio: You prick!


Customs Officer: Sorry sir, just part of the process! Oh fellas, don’t forget a few fresh pairs of rubber gloves!


Bobby Minio: YOU PRIIIICK!


The camera begins to pan down to something on the floor, but moves slowly enough so that the viewer can see the grin beaming from the Customs Officer’s face. The view stops on an item on the ground, it’s Minio’s cellphone, and it’s ringing. A photo, a drawing of an owl in Mugen’s wrestling gear, flashes across the screen, followed by words wiping across.



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