Bald Kitty Part Deux

[Gentleman Jack]

Our scene begins at 2:15 AM outside of a random New York area children's hospital. The parking lot is empty except for a 1997 Nissan Sentra. As the camera zooms out we see what can only be described as a pedophile's rape van rumbling to a stop behind the Nissan. Out step our intrepid protagonists, Gentleman Jack, Big Ed, and their trusted adviser Barry. As they file out of the rape van, we get our first glimpse of the Make A Wish Foundation's own Lisa as she steps out of the Sentra. The poor lady appears to be in her early 40's, very frumpy, but ironically enough is wearing a homemade, bedazzled sweater of a cat that says “Make Me Purr” across the top. Has she had it for years or did she make it earlier in the evening to mark the occasion? Who knows?!

 

Lisa: Jack?

 

As Jack gets his first look at this frumpy mess before him, he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a flask of unknown liquid. He takes a very deep pull.

 

Jack: You know, I could have been a engineer.

 

Oh shit, Jack is already lit.

 

Lisa: What?

 

Jack: An engineer. I could have been an engineer! But instead, I'm in this god awful city at this god awful hour with these god awful people so I can do god awful things to you so that in return I can borrow a god awful child for a few god awful weeks! What's so unclear about that?

 

Lisa: Are you drunk?

 

Jack: I don't get drunk, just classier. Only poor people get drunk sweetheart. Now let's light this candle! Where's our kid?

 

Lisa: Well I figured maybe we could go somewhere and...

 

Jack: No, no, no lady. I'm not stupid. You'll get your reward when I get the kid, got it?

 

Lisa: Ok... fine...

 

Jack: That's better! Now where is the little fuck dumpling?

 

Lisa: There's an entire ward inside. Nobody is around at night except a skeleton crew of nurses. We can just go in and pick one.

 

Finally, Big Ed has had enough and speaks.

 

Big Ed: Aren't we going a little overboard here? I've done some evil shit in my day but we're talking about kidnapping a dying kid here!

 

Jack: What?! Kidnapping?! That's a terrible word Edward! Kidnapping? No! We're making dreams come true! Isn't that right Sally?

 

Lisa: It's Lisa...

 

Jack: See? Sally agrees with me! Now c'mon gang! Let's go put a smile on a face! Barry, you got the chloroform?

 

Big Ed: Chloroform? Why does Barry have chloroform?

 

Barry: I always have chloroform.

 

Jack: Yeah, how do you not have chloroform Ed? It should have come with the Gentleman's Club t-shirt. Barry! Remember to get more chloroform to go with our t-shirts!

 

Barry: You got it boss.

 

At this point, the three men and poor Lisa make their way into the hospital. Through the magic of television, we quick cut to the next scene as we see a tight shot of a nurse's face in a darkened hospital ward. Suddenly, behind her we see Barry, faced covered in shoe polish, pop up behind the nurse with a rag in his hand. As he administers the chloroform, the nurse crumples to the floor. With the only nurse on the floor knocked out, the other members of our rag tag group appear. Jack begins to speak in a whisper.

 

Jack: You're really terrible at your job.

 

Lisa: What?

 

Jack: I said, you're really terrible at your job. You're risking everything for an orgasm. Do you know how stupid that is? It sounds like something Barry would do. Well if he had a real job. And if anything normal could bring him to orgasm...

 

Barry: Thanks champ!

 

Jack: Sure thing Barry! Now which way do we...

 

Jack stops dead in his tracks. His face turns white, he stands rigid. This is clearly the most terrifying moment of Jack's life. An adorable eight year old girl, missing her right leg, rolls by in a wheelchair. The little angel smiles brightly, with her dimples gleaming at the group. She simply waves at the group and continues her journey down the hall.

 

Jack: What..the..hell...was...that...

 

Big Ed: The cute little girl?

 

Jack: It was a mon..mon..monster! Where was the rest of her?!

 

Big Ed smacks the bejesus out of Jack.

 

Big Ed: Stop being an asshole! It's just a kid!

 

Jack: It doesn't have a soul!

 

At this point, dear old Barry begins to vomit.

 

Jack: See?! They disgust Barry too!

 

Barry continues to heave.

 

Jack: Ok, cut it out now Barry! If you keep going I'll start.

 

Of course, Barry does not stop. Now Jack is joining in on the fun. The sight of Jack and his 60 year old adviser dry heaving together is too much for poor Lisa as she too begins to gag. Surrounded by gagging, vomiting, people, Ed tries to back away from the group. Sadly, the group begins to follow Ed with hope in their eyes as he's the only one not sick.

 

Running out of options and not being bright in the first place, Big Ed just begins delivering big boots to his friends in hope of escape their vomitus wrath. Big Ed easily handles his sick compatriots. As he stands in awe of his destruction, panic begins to set in over what he's done.

 

Ed busts into the nearest room and begins to disconnect all the tubes and monitors attached to a child. He flings the young boy of about 9 years over his shoulder and exits the room. He grabs an unconscious Jack and flings him over his other shoulder. Without thinking, Big Ed charges for the nearest exit, leaving Barry and poor Lisa behind in a puddle of vomit.

[Dennis Black]

Proofread it twice...and still had to to read the post. Amazing lol

[S.Abbott]

I've heard of children referred to as fuck trophies but never fuck dumplings lol.

 

Good read man.