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Religious Conversion


Valkyrie

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The scene opens in a poorly lit basement.

 

Valkyrie is tied to a chair, with both her wrists and ankles firmly bound by some rope work.

 

A couple of creepy looking weirdos in Ghoul Masks can be seen in the background, staring aimlessly at her without saying anything.

 

Meanwhile, Heather Angelo is pacing back and forth in front of her, while reading the Kasstianity Bible

 

Heather: On the first day, Kassidy created the Earth

 

Heather: On the second day, he jobbed out H2O

 

Heather: On the third day, he invented KHSADA

 

Heather: On the fourth day, he won his first game of PUBG

 

Heather: On the fifth day he created TTT...

 

Valkyrie: Enough with this bs, Heather! Untie me now or I swear, I'll rip your head off!

 

Heather sighs, visibly annoyed. She then closes the Kasstianity Bible

 

Heather: Why are you so angry, Sarah? We are not keeping you hostage. You are free… free to embrace Kassidy as your new God.

 

Valkyrie: First off, only Cheryl can call me by my real name. I'm not Sarah to you.

 

Valkyrie: Second, you Kasstians should really work on your brainwashing techniques. I mean take a look at AC Cobra: you abducted him and now he thinks he's a cow and that he can beat H2O!

 

Slight pause….

 

At that very moment an awkward stare down between Valkyrie and Heather takes place.

 

It’s so quiet in the basement you can hear water dripping somewhere in the background.

 

Heather: Anyways, we do have plenty of time to improve. It's not like you are going anywhere: nobody is coming to save you.

 

Valkyrie: Someone will. B17…or maybe H2O himself. They won't leave me here, not after everything I've done for them.

 

Heather: You are delusional. Besides, after your amazing performance at Rumblegrounds, everyone thinks you are still alive and well!

 

Valkyrie: What do you mean? I wasn't there. I've been locked inside this basement for almost a month.

 

The door behind them suddenly opens. A girl in her early twenties enters the scene: she looks exactly like Valkyrie, same facial features, hairstyle and height.

 

She takes a few steps inside the room and then stops, without saying anything

 

Heather: Let me introduce to you 3V1L V4LKYR13, the ultimate android!

 

Heather: She is your exact clone, except with actual ring skills. No one can tell the difference. And definitely no one did at Rumblegrounds. The only problem is that she is not programmed with actual voice morphing software, but apart from that, it's an amazing piece of technology.

 

Valkyrie: Are you kidding me? An android replaced me in the battle royal?

 

Heather: We don't want your fans to worry about your safety… We are just doing it for them, you know.

 

Valkyrie: You better hope I never get out of this basement ‘cause if I do, I'll destroy that… that thing over there and make you eat all of its parts.

 

Heather: Yeah, yeah. Now do you want me to tell you the story of how Kassidy invented the Moon and the Stars?

 

Valkyrie: I already listened to that story four times! It's complete bs. He didn't invent the Stars, he's not a God and he's not even a real vampire hunter.

 

Valkyrie keeps struggling but the rope is still too tight for her to break free

 

Valkyrie: Let me go!

 

Heather: Now darling...who sounds delusional?

 

Heather opens the Kasstianity Bible once again

 

Heather: It all started when…

 

Valkyrie: Goddamnit...

 

As Heather resumes her narration, the camera fades to black

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B17: Brothers!

 

Butch girl in the crowd: And sisters!

 

B17: Yes! Of course, and sisters!

 

Looking out upon the crowd of 50 B Community Members packed into a chilly 5th floor of the local YMCA, B17 feels a certain sense of pride knowing that they will follow him anywhere. A trait necessary in the upcoming battles.

B17: Little Bubba Valk needs our help!

 

Bingo slams his fist down upon the podium he stands behind.

B17: Let it be known that I do not oppose Kassinity! They are free to not bathe if they wish! But to force conversion upon such an innocent women abuses our very values! We are The B Community, and we will not stand idly by and witness this assault upon freedom of choice!

 

B17: Free Valkyrie!

 

Crowd: Free Valkyrie! Free Valkyrie! Free Valkyrie!

 

B17 raises his hands and motions to quiet the crowd.

B17: Yes, yes. We will free her. But we will need help. Because you guys really suck…

 

The crowd lowers their heads in unison and go silent.

B17: I mean not one of you were able to properly identify the Twisted Pepperton Plunge on your written exam. Sad...So sad…

 

B17: But never fear, I’ve brought in help! The Good Light H20!

 

H20 strides up onto stage, revealing himself to the crowd that goes wild!

Javier Hernandez can be heard marking out all the way from the back.

H2O stretches his arms out wide much like a quarterback does to quiet the crowd.

H20: Easy back there Mr. Hernandez. We don’t want you to tear an ACL like that stupid kicker Gramatica did years ago.

 

Javier stops jumping up and down at H2O’s request. But can’t refrain from giggling like a schoolboy.

H20: Fellow Community members, Kasstianity dark cloud is shaping to outgrow The B Community. Under no circumstances can we allow this to happen.

 

H2O: Especially to Valkyrie!

 

H2O: The Good Light is setting a course to save her from his sloppy 2nd 3rd 4th and 5th thot, Heather Angelo!

 

B17: Yes! With the help of H20 and his Congregation for the Light we w----

 

H20: Huh? My what?

 

B17 coughs politely and looks over at H20: Your cult…

 

H20: Um….. I don’t have a cult. I’m a bit of a loner this season.

 

B17 smiles: Call it what you want...but you’re no community.

 

A sudden crash of doors causes everyone in the crowd to turn and face the back entrance of the basement. 20 burly white men burst in and spread out. They cross their arms and stare menacing out unto The B Community.

B17: Ah! The Congregation is here! H20 introduce us to your flock!

 

H20 stares in shock, uncertain of what to do. H2O whispers in B17’s ear.

H20: I told you, B! I don’t have a Congregation!!!

 

B17: Huh?

 

H20: Don’t worry I got this...

 

B17: Oh boy…

 

H2O: Hello friends! If any of you guys are looking to be the new Brawny Paper Towel guy; commercial tryouts is down the road from here.

 

The big men fold their arms and look at each other in disbelief.

H2O: We would love to teach you how to wipe our $@!* right now. But we’re looking to do that to Kasstianity.

 

H2O: So excuse yourselves from this Community or else your tryouts will start here.

 

Congregation of Light leader: We received an invitation to this sinful meeting! How dare you shame us like this! All you people are decadit, disgusting, revolting humans. AND WE WON’T STAND FOR THIS!

 

The Congregation launches themselves into the crowd and begins to pummel The B Community.

B Community member: Ouchie! Please don’t hurt me!

 

B17: Take your hands off my man! H20! To war!

 

B17 jumps into the crowd begins punching everything in sight. Unfortunately for him he has no room to run, therefore no room to jump, ergo his punches are ineffective.

H20: Kicks work for me, B!

 

H20: KICK ‘EM ALL!!!!!

 

The doors crash open again. In walks Scarlet Spider!

A bald headed old man turns and screams: Kill the Spider!

 

Three men detach from the main assault and rush at Scarlet Spider. Spider ducks the first one as the the over eager man runs head first into a wall.

The second one lunges at Spider but is caught with a hoot strike. The third man is more hesitant. He picks up a baseball bat dropped by one of the assailants.

The man swings but Spider easily evades.

On the second swing, Spider punches through the bat by channeling his inner powah and knocks down the assailant.

The first man has finally made it to his feet and stumbles up using the window seal.

Spider stares him down the man runs blindly at Spider only to be swept up and slammed with a KHALLAS

RYU: NO ONE KICKS OUT!

 

Spider jumps out of the window. A five story drop...

B17 rushes to the window. Spider has disappeared. No signs of him on the ground below.

B17: Woah…

 

CRACK!

 

A baseball bat breaks over B17’s ass.

B17: OWWW!

 

The doors crash open again. Wrex and Jay Fury enter the room.

Wrex: Hey! Which one of you idiots owns that Opel? I need to borr- Oh s**t.

 

CoL extremely Aryan buff dude: HOW DARE YOU TOUCH MY CAR!

 

Fury: Told you, should've left it alone. Maldito idiota.

 

Wrex: What? I liked it.

 

The juggernaut of the man picks up a nearby table and launches it at Scumciety. Both men dive to the ground. Before they can make it back to their feet the large Nazi supporter is upon them. He easily deadlifts Jay Fury above his head.

Juggernaut Nazi: I'm gonna rip you in half, tiny man!

 

But before he can Wrex sends an uppercut straight to the balls.

Wrex: Watch the nutsack, c*nt!

 

The juggernaut comes tumbling to the ground, along with Fury.

Fury: What the hell, you gilipollas!

 

Wrex: Not my fault you got caught, now grab his keys and lets go.

 

Fury: What about B17?

 

Wrex: He’s fine. Looks like he’s having fun.

 

Thanks to the departing Scumocity the crowd is thinning. Most B Community Members are unconscious on the floor. CoL is now mostly focused on H20.

Four men have B17 picked up and are ramming his head into the wall when the doors smash open once again.

Our Hero arrives and notices all of the malarkey and or anarchy that is and will take place. He scans the room as everyone has stopped what they are doing and looks on at Our Hero!

Our Hero notices B-17 who quickly smiles and waves. Our Hero rolls his eyes and starts vigorously nodding his head in a “NO” like fashion

Our Hero: NOT TODAY SATAN!!!!!!

 

Our Hero quickly grabs both doors and slams them shut behind him. You can hear very loud yelling from Our Hero in the distance. Something to the degree of “THIS IS THE OFF-SEASON I’M NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE HERE TODAY and I’M GETTING TOO OLD FOR THIS DOOKIE SHOE.

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Takes place during B17 speech.

A hooded man in the crowd stands there quietly and taking notes throughout his speech.

 

Code Jackman: The fact no one has detected me this entire time. I want to kill that man up there.

 

Jackman Stiffens up and bows his head as Scarlet Spider walks in.

 

Code Jackman: That was a close one.

 

Then walks in Scumsociety busting the doors open.

 

Code Jackman: I know Wrex can smell me. He is like a wolf and knows my every move I must leave. I will attack B17 when he won't expect it.

 

Jackman was leaving the building when a B community member bumped into him.

 

Member: Hey your Co...

 

Jackman punches the young fat man and runs off.

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