Holiday Message from The Lord of the Lariat

[Mugen]

9:45 AM - 12/25/2019

 

We find our lovable legend killing legend man himself Drago Cesar walking around in the P3 Offices holding a piece of paper in his head with a series of numbers. As he makes his way to his desk he puts the piece of paper down as he takes a seat.

 

He reaches over to what may be one of the last not wireless phones in the world (no, seriously they are endangered species now, facts) and dials in the number on the piece of paper.

 

Drago: I still have no idea how this guy have direct line when he in prison. How he do such thing.

 

Drago waits as the phone starts ringing.

Deep Voice that’s not Mugen: Mugen’s Cell. What you want motha*****?

 

Drago’s eyes open widely at the voice of somebody he’s never heard from before.

Drago: Um, can speak to Mugen? Tell him it’s his comrade Drago.

 

Deep Voice: Aite. AYO MUGEN, ITS YO COMRADE DRAGO!

 

We hear some small commotion as we hear Mugen fumbling to take control of the phone.

Mugen: Y’ello Drago

 

Drago: Comrade, it good to hear from you. Merry Christmas. Who was that guy?

 

Mugen: Merry Christmas! Oh, that’s just Darnell, he’s my secretary and MY BITCH here in prison. Nah I’m just kidding haha but no seriously he does take my calls here. Mans still has to run a business here.

 

Drago: How is prison treating you?

 

Mugen: Pretty good! So we going to record that message for the fans of the P3 Bonanza?

 

Drago: Sure what could possibly go wrong?

 

We start focusing the scene on the phone as Mugen begins to speak.

Mugen: Great! Well honestly, prison is not too bad when you have money saved up like I do and that everybody in prison has now signed up for the income funnel which is fantastic because that means money keeps coming in to the TOLMC ventures and we keep on being able to fund the P3 Bonanza even when you have those crazed maniac versions of ourselves from 2016 that are in our world now as I hear that their world completely blew up into smithereens and now we have to keep them around but that’s quite okay because we can support them since they are us technically and we are them so we are all one just like that movie with Jet Li called The One which by the way, I was showing to the boys here in Cell Block 6-9 what up gang gang speaking of which I’m pretty hard in prison now, like I would shank a mothaf**** if they looked at me wrong and I mean I’m harder than when Sean McGee was going hard in OCW going all up in there winning shit and just taking it from behind like full force, shouts out to Sean McGee, fellow Pine Performance Center Alumni just like some other folks like Wrex who I hope is doing swell over there on Turmoil wrecking it because THAT’S WHAT WE DO and shouts out to Empress who I hope is killing people, I mean not really killing people, just “killing” (Mugen is during furious finger quotes with his free hand) them dummies over there in the women's division and while I’m at it might as well shout out Bill Pine himself who is my mentor and god bless his heart, he might be the best mentor I have ever had in my life and I’ve lived a pretty full life and met a lot of people but in terms of the wrestling business Bill Pine might have done the most for me because look this is a man who spent years toiling in Japan as a gaijin who never received any recognition for his work because the f***** politics of the awards show couldn’t recognize a gaijin even though he was having some of the best matches in Japan so fuck you Japanese equivalents of Gabe Seltzer, Gabe Seltzer is the real truth when it comes to wrestling journalism because that is a man who will give you the truth, the truth and nothing but the truth because that is one honorable man and he is the man who gave me and Matsuda a 6 Star Match back at the Tokyo Dome in 2015 and I’ve always respected Matsuda up until recent events where he tried to hurt us but I mean back in the day we were tight and we rode the towns together on a regular basis and even though he fucked us over a little we still got the better of him not just in The Battle for Time & Space 2 with Ryu Matsumoto but also got our first Grammy Nomination because of our hit song, speaking of Ryu Matsumoto, I hear that rat bastard is now the double Light Heavyweight Champion in OCW and you should hear it first from me that his days are numbered he is a no-good son of a bitch who I will put back into The Cube and he would still be in The Cube if it wasn’t for those dummies Jaysin Sensation and AC Cobra for not knowing what they were dealing with in the heat of the moment, like honestly I don’t even understand so f*** you AC Cobra for dealing with the dark arts that are way beyond your level of comprehension out here acting like you were Jessica Jessie with just regular life yea that’s right I just compared you to a woman, a blonde haired woman speaking of who else is blonde, shouts out to the man known as Tiberius Dupree who I know we haven’t seen eye to eye that often over the years but I am not going to lie that you were the one that put all your heart into those matches just like I did and I trusted you out there to put on an all time classic and even though I had to wear the dress I made your hair purple which is the color of grapes and everything is grape, I mean everything is great in prison especially when I’ve got the respect of all the guys in here because just the other day I was showing them some wrestling techniques and they were all getting really into it, I mean we even got some of the guards into joining us although I’m not so sure they were really wanting to join us, I think one guard broke their femur or something I’m not sure but it was just an accident because that's what happens when you face a bunch of guys that don’t have years of proper training like I do to do certain things in wrestling so that’s how a dropkick goes all bad, speaking of dropkicks shout out to Bobby Minio my old pal who I hope is doing well even though somehow that no-good scoundrel Ryu Matsumoto defeated him, keep your head up but not too up because that’s how the guard got hurt because he kept his head up and then he landed all weird and I mean it was like a mean crunching sound we heard and if you can remember, next time you come visit me, bring me some Nestle Crunch bars because those are my favorite things to eat because they have the rice center and before you go on about oh hey Mugen likes rice because he’s Asian (laughter is heard in the background from the other inmates) you are probably right but I do have to say it’s great to know that you are doing well out there in the real world and that the show is going well and just to let you know that they filmed an episode of Scared Straight in here the other day and we are going to show you what life is really like in here for those poor juvenile delinquents, one reminded me of some old OCW guy that you may remember, shouts out to RD Money, because when the kid started talking to me about how he stole a whole box of sneakers from the local shoe store I felt like I heard about this before and then it all hit me like a sack of bricks, speaking of which some guy got smashed in the face here last week with a sack of bricks, I don’t even know how one would get their hands on a sack let along a sack full of bricks but that’s what goes on in here and why we going to have a TV show episode here and it’s going to be really fantastic just like I hope how you are doing Drago thanks for holding down the fort, I’ll be out real soon if all of our wonderful loyal fans were wondering even that Mr. Sensation doppleganger we have in the crowd and especially can’t wait to see my goodest boy Mac when I get out and I’m definitely going over to my restaurant to have a big steak dinner because you know of all people that red meat is the best meat for a scrumptious meal especially when it’s cooked a perfect medium rare not well-done like some of the squares out there like their steak like who would do that to a perfect piece of meat, it’s just criminal activity for one to be doing things like that but I digress, I just want to say thank you to all of you and especially my good friend, the Living Legend Drago who has managed to keep the show going on for several weeks now and making sure that we are going to stay on top of the entertainment world. Peace and Love, I hate you Ryu Matsumoto, F*** You, I’ll put you back in The Cube right where you belong next to your son and grandson and I’ll take those two crazy Brit boys and make sure that they slap everybody in the tag division across the face because they are the future but definitely not me and Drago because that would be just rude and I’m not rude I just speak the truth out here, once again Peace and Love from yours truly to the whole world, the galaxy, the universe, The Emperor of the Enzuguri, The Lord of the Lariat, The Sultan of Safety, The Suplex Savior, The Messiah of the Multiverse, The King of Kindness signing off.

 

There is just silence as the focus turns away from the phone and towards where Drago was sitting and he has completely fallen asleep from the Mugen rant………….

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[Mr.Sensation]

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