Escape the Hospital II

[B-17]

B17: I understand Mugen is protecting his investment, but come on, a hospital? It’s a bit overly dramatic. 

 

Underpaid cameraman: You suffered a concussion, and Mugen insists you remain here for one more night. Mr. Mugen believes this could help stir sympathy if you look extra vulnerable. 

 

B17: What do I look like, John Carter? I don’t need to stir sympathy. Wha- the hell is he doing here?

 

Wrex stumbles in. 

 

Cameraman: Mugen believed that by using a friend from your past, the audience would feel a certain nostalgia and--

 

Wrex: Bingo! 

 

Wrex jumps at B17, and the cameraman splays to the floor. A confusion of flying limbs and comical sounds ring out from somewhere in the room. 

 

B17: Mugen doesn’t watch the show! Wrex and I didn’t part on good terms! 

 

Wrex: You kicked me through a fucking table!

 

The cameraman gains his feet and steadies the camera again. Wrex and Bingo are circling each other. Bingo’s gown is partially open, revealing a perfectly sculpted ass. 

 

B17: Hey! Hey! No! Bad Wrex! 

 

Wrex: You know how big of a splinter had to be pried from my ass!

 

B17: What the hell did you want me to do?

 

Wrex charges at Bingo. B17, not expecting this, is caught flat-footed when Wrex catches him full in the stomach and drives him through the cheap wooden door and onto his back in a cascade of splintered shards. 

 

B17: Oooooo, you fat bastard. 

 

Bingo rolls away, clutching his ribs.    

 

Wrex: Now- we’re even!

 

Standing awestruck at the two men who came crashing through the door is a petite Asian nurse holding a less-than-stellar fruit basket. The apples are browning, and the bananas have blackened. What might have been oranges have started to rot, and the sad-looking pineapple pulls the whole thing together.

 

Nurse: Er, Fruit Basket from Sultan of Safety Mugen for Gucci Daddy? 

 

Wrex grabs the basket handle, but it breaks easily in his hands. 

 

Wrex: Cheap bastard.      

 

He drops the basket to the floor, giving it a good old punt kick, rotting fruit flying everywhere along the hallway. Before, of course, reaching into his coat pocket for an unsponsored alcoholic beverage. The can was cracked open as he spoke.

 

Wrex: Alright, screw this. Ready to go?

 

Bingo: Escape the Hospital Part 2?

 

Wrex shrugs, heading for the stairwell. The can is emptied in one before smacking it over his head; it is a natural response. 

 

Wrex: Hopefully, there will be no horses in it this year.

 

Bingo gingerly walks to the door with Wrex in the lead, but a weird beeping noise stops both men. They turn to face the source. The tiny Asian nurse’s head is twitching, and her face explodes in a flash of sparks to reveal the machine underneath! 

 

Bingo: Holy frick, Mugen made robots…. 

 

Robot Nurse: B17 is not to leave. B17 must stay for his safety. The fat one must go. 

 

More robots come spilling out of the rooms, and the cameraman is revealed to be a camera robot, oddly enough he keeps the bulky camera on his shoulder, but, I mean, if he’s a robot, he should be able to film through, like, his eyes or something. 

 

Wrex to Bingo: Do you trust me? 

 

Bingo: No. 

 

Wrex seems unperturbed by this and rips off Bingo’s gown, revealing him to the world again in Pixels. 

 

Wrex: Do you ever wear pants!?

 

Wrex then wraps the gown around his hand and punches glass labeled: “Punch in Case of Robot Emergency.”

 

B17: That probably should have been a giveaway. 

 

Wrex: Why is this even in a hospital…

 

As the robots charge B17 and Wrex, the drunkest man in OCW pulls the laser tag guns, tosses one to B17, and starts…blasting? 

 

Bingo throws open the stairwell door. 

 

B17: I’ll cover you! 

 

Wrex dives through the door, and Bingo hears him flopping and yelping down the stairs. Bingo sighs as he puts a robot down with an invisible beam of destruction. 

 

The PA System bursts into life, and Bash’s voice fills the hallways. 

 

Bash Voice: SECURITY ALERT. Please identify yourself. DNS Emergency Protocol 17 was initiated. Please provide a voice sample for further prompt identity-based instructions. 

 

B17: Er…

 

Bash: SYSTEM EMERGENCY! EVIL B17 VOICE IDENTIFIED. EMERGENCY PROTOCOLS IN IN ACTION.

 

B17 in the best Mugen impersonation ever done: C4 Directive TOLMC!

 

Bash: Acknowledged. Hospital Self-Destruct sequence initiated. 

 

B17: WREXXXXXXXXX! We gotta run! 

 

Jumping down the stairs three at a time, Bingo pulls Wrex up to his feet, and they begin descending as fast as they can. 

 

Wrex: Last time I try to bail you out of a hospital!

 

The doors to the lobby come off their hinges from one of the sloppiest dropkicks around, it probably would’ve opened normally but where’s the fun in that! Wrex hobbled out behind Bingo as he rubbed at his hip, 

 

Wrex: Too old for this nonsense.

As both men make it outside and wonder how they will get far enough away from this building that is about to explode, a midnight black 1967 Chevrolet Impala named "Baby" pulls up, driven by none other than Kassidy Hayes.

 

Kassidy: Wrex, get in, come on, DO IT!

B17: What about me?

Kass: You can get in the trunk!? Be Careful of all the knives.

 

B17: The trunk? You have a whole back seat!

Kass: A leather back seat that will not be violated by your naked bare ass.

 

Robots start breaking out of windows and pouring out from the door, Bingo, naked and in no position to negotiate pushes Wrex into the passenger seat, looking at the empty backseat with envy, B17 reluctantly gets into the trunk but is thankful for the escape. That is until he finds out who is also back there.  

 

B17: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Kass can hear B17’s scream from the front seat and giggles,

 

Wrex: What is he screaming about?

Kass: Your life-like Greg dummy must have rolled over onto him. He probably thinks it's a dead body.

 

B17: Drive, you stupid bastard! 

 

None too soon, Kass puts the hospital and its artificial inhabitants in the rearview mirror as an odd figure hooded in white rushes into the hospital, followed by the robots. 

 

Wrex: That's gonna make a hell of a story.