Cheryl Stixx Posted August 11 Posted August 11 (edited) Lights flicker across my lap. White. Yellow. White. Yellow. I’m in the backseat, headed back from the hospital where Danny is, but my head’s still there. I keep seeing it over and over. Not the whole thing. Just pieces. Flashes. Like my brain’s trying to protect me from the rest but can’t shut it all out. Danny’s face—not as he was. As he dropped out of reach. One heartbeat he’s there, solid, breathing, mine— —next, he’s gone. That sound. God, that sound. It didn’t belong to the world. Sharp, hollow, final. It knocked the air out of me like I was the one who hit the ground. My ribs still hurt. My chest feels tight. My hands keep clenching like they’re searching for something to hold, someone to pull back. And his stillness after. That’s what kills me. Arms limp. Head still. Blood pooling where it shouldn’t be. I know he’s still here. I know he’s still fighting. But that picture… it’s burned into me. I keep thinking—maybe if I’d screamed sooner. Maybe if I’d run faster. Maybe if I’d been worse. Because that’s the thing, right? That’s what it feels like Perl wants. She’s never said it outright, but every move… every sick little game… She’s daring me to snap. To throw away the work I’ve done, the woman I’m trying to be, and fall right back into the version of me she thinks I still am. And maybe that’s why I don’t understand her. I don’t get what this is supposed to prove. I don’t get why my family is the price for this. I told myself I wouldn’t play her game. I told myself I’d stay on my path. Not hers. Not anyone’s. But right now? My teeth hurt from clenching. My throat feels shredded from holding back what I really want to say, what I really want to do. Because if I let it out—if I give her that—then she wins. And I can’t let her win. I won’t. Lights flicker across my lap. White. Yellow. White. Yellow. Like a pulse. Every flicker says: you’re still here. And if I’m still here, I’m still me. And if I’m still me, I’m not done. Not even close. Stixx up Cherilyn. Now more than ever. Edited August 11 by Cheryl Stixx 1
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