Tropical PPV Viewing Party

[Gentleman Jack]

Warning, the following content may contain strong language, scenes of a sexual nature, violence, drug use and is recommended only for a mature audience. The views expressed are solely those of Gentleman Jack and the Gentleman's Club. OCW does not agree with these views or condone these actions. Viewer discretion is advised.

 

Our scene opens in the bathroom of a dingy tropical hut. We see Gentleman Jack, shirtless with bloodshot eyes, staring at his reflection in the mirror.

 

Jack: C'mon Jack, get it together.

 

Jack splashes a bit of water on his face. He stares intently at his reflection, almost out of of paranoia.

 

Jack: What are you looking at?

 

Jack peers into his own eyes, trying to find something in his soul perhaps. Nah, he's not that deep and there's probably nothing there anyway. Satisfied with these findings, Jack begins to pump himself up.

 

Jack: C'mon Jack, you magnificent bastard! Let's do this! You have people counting on you out there!

 

For reasons that will hopefully be explained later, we can now hear what can only be described as the sounds of a cock fight. We hear the blood curdling screams of roosters locked into mortal combat intertwined with the frightened shouts of Portuguese women. Unfazed by these sounds, Jack continues his mirror ritual.

 

Jack: Remember champ, you're good enough, you're smart enough, and doggone it, people like you!

 

As Jack finishes his poor Stuart Smalley impersonation, an exasperated Cactus Gauge busts through the door. As he does, we see feathers flying around the cabana as six topless Portuguese women run to the exit terrified.

Cactus: Jack! Thank God I found you. I’ve never seen such a thing in there! I had no clue you could do that with a rooster...

 

Cactus stares off into space and then shutters at the thought of what he had just seen.

 

Cactus: Ugh. Any way boss - what the hell are you doing in here? You ok? You’re not looking so hot.

 

Jack: I’ll be ok. Are the midgets gone? Is the car here yet? Where are my contacts?

 

Cactus: I’m not sure we can say midgets any more. I think they prefer little people. Any way, look, your contacts are right there on the sink, don’t worry about the midgets, I’ll make sure they don’t touch your shoes again and yes - car is here, which is why I am looking for you. I think we both need a drink, let’s get out of this place and watch this show.

 

Cactus grabs Jack’s contacts and brushes off his shirt, which still had a few small chicken feathers on it. Both men shuffle out of the bathroom, with Cactus leading the way - ready to boot any midget in the face, who gets too close to Jack’s shoes again.

 

As the men exit the bathroom we catch our first glimpse of Big Ed. The most dominant superstar on Turmoil has been reduced to a shell of his former self. He sits in a wheelchair, wearing nothing but an American flag draped loosely around him with his Little Ed hanging out for all the world to see. His beard is covered in rice cereal, clearly from a failed attempt by Cactus to feed the dormant beast.

 

Jack: Good god, can we even take him outside like this?

Cactus looks over the giant, broken man for a moment before placing a pirate hat upon his head. Cactus reaches into a satchel and pulls out Ed’s trademark sunglasses and earrings, placing them both on Big Ed.

 

Cactus: Perfect, he’s ready!

 

As the trio exit their cabana, they see the driver of their waiting cab talking to a local transvestite prostitute. As the trio approach, the transvestite gets in the cab and the two locals speed away. Cactus and Jack just stare at the scene in disbelief.

 

Jack: I don’t know if I hate this place or if I’m never leaving.

 

Cactus: I agree boss, it’s a beautiful disaster. A place perfectly carved out by the gods, for a man with your stature.

 

Jack: Is there a bar any closer? Seriously, we’re going to die of sobriety soon.

 

Cactus: I can sniff out a good scotch and bourbon, better than Ed can...well…umm...never mind that, yes, I know a place right around the corner.

 

Jack: Let’s get cracking then.

 

The trio of OCW superstars, the most entertaining men Turmoil have to offer, set off on a quick walk to their boozy destination. Fellow tourists look on in disgust as Big Ed hangs dong, while Jack and Cactus appear to have not noticed or simply don’t care.

 

Cactus: We needs some tunes and I got this! Our tall drink of water’s chair comes in handy for a few things.

 

Cactus reaches under Big Ed’s wheelchair and turns on a very old school boombox. Suddenly, the air is filled with the sounds of Bruce Springsteen’s “Born In The USA”.

 

Jack: Classy!

 

Cactus: Bet your ass it is. Nothing less for the Gentleman’s Club.

 

Cactus nods at Jack.

 

As the trio continue to walk, they gain more attention from fellow tourists and locals alike. One child even drops her ice cream cone and screams at the sight of half naked Big Ed who naturally screams right back. Thankfully, perhaps through divine intervention, they reach their destination without further incident. Their destination tonight being an off the beaten path, tropical honky tonk.

 

Our trio enter and we see how rough this bar truly is. We see Vietnamese fisherman playing a heated game of Russian roulette in the corner , prostitutes openly peddling their wares, and various forms of narcotics being ingested by the patrons. The sound of Bruce Springsteen and the sight of the the OCW stars catches the attention of the fellow bar goers.

 

Everyone in the bar in unison: CACTUS!

 

Jack: Friends of yours?

 

Cactus: Cactus always has friends boss, how do you think I met such a debonair man as yourself?

 

Cactus flashes a half crooked smirk at his leader, and the three men go to a secluded table with a decent view of the television which is naturally tuned to the King Of OCW PPV!

 

Cactus: We came here for a drink, so let’s get a drink, what do you say, boss? Drinks for you and I and, umm, some peanuts for the, ugh…

 

Cactus looks down at Ed’s half naked extremities and shakes his head.

 

Cactus: ...the nut?

 

Big Ed: MONKEY!

 

Jack: Jesus Christ he scares me when he does that!

 

Big Ed: MONKEY!!!

 

Jack: Do you.. Do you think he wants to eat a monkey?

 

Big Ed: MONKEY MONKEY MONKEY!!!

 

Cactus: I can get you a monkey boss, no sweat.

 

Big Ed is now pointing at the tv while he continues to scream his monkey nonsense. As he does so, we see on the tv the ppv has been well underway as the Dennis Black vs Parker Stevens match is in full swing.

 

Jack: Christ it’s the sight of that dimwitted midget and his walking Valtrex ad that’s making him do this.

 

Cactus: Why is he calling Dennis a monkey?

 

Jack: I have no idea… We’ve got to distract him before he draws too much attention in this place.

 

Around this time we hear a gunshot from the corner full of Vietnamese fishermen.

 

Cactus: Yeah boss, i don’t think it’ll be a problem here.

 

Before the scene can escalate, Parker finishes off Mr. Black in style. This causes Ed to scream with glee and clap his monstrous hands together!

 

Big Ed: Haha! Monkey!!! Hahahaha!!! Monkey monkey monkey!!!!

 

Jack: Well that worked out.

 

Before Jack can celebrate his good luck, the scuffle at the table of Vietnamese fishermen begins to pick up steam. One of the men slams a chair over another as a third man is thrown through a glass window.

 

Jack: Maybe we should go…

 

Cactus: But we’ve only seen one match… And I didn’t get my jalapeno poppers yet!

 

Jack: Well by all means!

 

Thankfully the disagreement calms down and order is restored to the bar. As the men wait for their jalapeno poppers, a number or riot matches and promos play out on the tv. Being the narcissists that they are, they pay little attention. Cactus begins flirting with anything that hoves into his field of vision, while Jack searches in vain for pure Lebanese opium. Striking out to varying degrees, both men return to the table as the Dennis Black vs Seb Abbot match is taking place.

 

Big Ed: Grrrrrrr

 

Jack: Not this again…

 

With the match between Dennis and Seb playing out, the monster with the brain of a four year old grows angrier with each flippy kick. Jack and Cactus just watch in awe as Seb pushes the Midget Maestro to his limit.

 

Jack & Cactus in unison: Holy shit!

 

Sadly, Dennis pulls out a hard fought victory that sends Ed into a rage. The half naked monster begins flinging jalapeno poppers across the bar, striking one of the Vietnamese fishermen in the head.

 

Fisherman: You insult honor! You pay now! Mao didi mao! Dit con di me m!

 

Cactus: Oh that is not good boss…

 

Jack: You know what he said?

 

Cactus: He wants you to have intercourse with your mother boss…

 

Jack: Freakin dog munchers. Well you know what this means.

 

Cactus: The balloon of death?

 

Fisherman: Pay now! Mao didi mao!

 

Jack: In a second!!! The adults are talking here Ping-Pang!

 

Taken aback, the fisherman just stands in stunned silence.

 

Jack: Balloon of death!

 

Cactus begins to dig around in Ed’s wheelchair when he comes up with a limp, uninflated balloon. As he blows up the balloon, the fisherman just stares on in a strange mix of confusion and wonder. It’s clear this sad excuse for a human has never seen a balloon before. Once it’s inflated, Cactus hands it to the bewildered fisherman who just looks at it through the eyes of a child.

 

Smiling wider than a human should, Cactus takes a small pin from his pocket and pops the poor fisherman’s balloon, sending the sad Vietnamese man into a blind rage over the loss of his brief innocence. Both men begin trading blows as Jack cracks a beer bottle over the head of one of the fisherman. Suddenly, the entire bar joins in on the action with scenes of violence occurring in every corner of the establishment.

 

As the battle rages on, Madison Cox’s face fills the screens of every tv in the bar as she cuts a promo on her dancing monkey’s success. The sight of the Queen is too much for the mentally crippled giant to handle. He aims his wheelchair at the men attacking his fellow Club members and accelerates as quickly as he can towards the mass of humanity.

 

Big Ed: BONZAI!!!!!!

 

Our scene ends as the half naked giant slams into the crowd, peppering bystanders with jalapeno poppers along the way. Will the Gentleman’s Club make it back to the states in one piece? Will Big Ed ever recover from the ring collapse? Will Jack and Cactus ever find colognes that don’t clash? Tune into Turmoil this Thursday to find out!

[Versus]

This made my work day better. Thank you.

[Cactus Gauge]

Cactus Gauge approves of this message.