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The Archer Academy

TJ Stevens

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The scene opens within a dimly lit, vast room. There appears to be something of a stage with an office chair on it, the back turned and presumably it's occupant. Oddly, to the right of it, fully illuminated stands Nick Betamax.


Lower down, ten feet from the chair are four slumped and seated figures on chairs, their identities masked by the poor lighting.


Suddenly, with a loud metallic thunk four spotlights are charged, revealing the four individuals as Joshua Tucker, Benjamin Moore, Damian Bourne and TY Sparks. They are bound and gagged, and as they slowly come to become more and more alarmed. Struggling against their bonds.


???: Ah yes, the peasants have awoken. You're probably wondering why I have invited you here.


The chair spins slowly, revealing none other than Thomas Archer. In his hands he cradles B-17’s fabled wig, last seen in the possession of the nefarious Code Jackman. A free hand strokes it as if it was a giant cat.


Archer: You see… You four have been chosen. What for you ask? The Thomas Archer Academy of Affluency. Over the course of a few weeks I shall be evaluating each of you on various aspects of being an OCW superstar, setting personal challenges and overall, most importantly, deciding who will be worthy to take on the International Icon.


Damian makes some muffled noises and Archer rolls his eyes.


Archer: Nicholas Maximus was my inheritance for banishing Bray to the shadow realm he spoke about so often from Pokemon. Oh… Nicholas, do the honours…


Nick steps off of the stage and removes the restraints from each man one by one before returning to the stage. Thankfully for Archer the four gentlemen are still slightly drugged so cannot complain too much.


Archer: Now, if you look below your chairs you will find your first challenge, an introductory card. Of course, if you are not hungry, ambitious or thirsty for success you can leave and forfeit a potential title shot.


No one moves.


Archer: As I suspected! You may reach under and remove your cards now.


Archer claps and the four exchange awkward glances before doing as asked. Damian looks at his first.


Damian: What is this ga-


He gets cut off by a disgustingly obnoxious air horn blast from a hidden PA system.


Damian: Is that ho-




Archer: The card please Damian.


Damian grumbles and grits his teeth, reading it aloud.


Damian: My name is Damian Bourne and I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt and my butt smells and... I like to kiss my own butt. How does this prove any-




Archer: Next!


The three remaining men look at each other nervously before Benjamin Moore clears his throat.


Moore: Believe it or not, I, Benjamin Moore, was going to be a Winter Olympian and aid the 1988 Jamaican Bobsleigh team but they realised I sucked and the movie Cool… No, not finishing this. This entire thing is stupid.




Moore: You can-




Moore: Honk at me one-




Moore: Y-








Moore: GOD DAMN IT STOP THAT! OKAY! The movie Cool Runnings is actually about my friends all abandoning me because I was a colossal loser. Are you happy now?


Archer looks at this fingernails.


Archer: Delighted. Next, please! Also, Nicholas…


“Nicholas Maximus” approaches Archer and tilts his ear as his new boss whispers a command. Nick simply nods and disappears off camera as TY Sparks raises his hands.


Archer: Yes, fun sized man?


Sparks: Can I go next and get this over with?


Archer: Of course!


Sparks: I am TY Sparks and I am a Hobbit.


Archer begins to cackle and slaps his leg, minutes pass as he laughs at his own terrible joke before finally he calms down, wiping tears from his eyes. Eventually he looks to Joshua Tucker, who lifts his card and just drops it to the floor.


JT: I'm so irrelevant that even I don't know my name.


Archer claps, as Nicholas returns holding a tray, on it are a few round objects.


Archer: Splendid! I'll be in touch! Deploy the escape device Nicholas!


Nicholas slams the tray into the ground, the spheres bursting and engulfing the stage in smoke. A few mechanical noises can be heard in the background and once the smoke dissipates the warehouse lights up properly, Archer and Nicholas gone.


The four men rise from their chairs, rubbing their wrists before shuffling towards the exit without a word, or at least for the most part.


Damian: So… Police?


Sparks: I think if you did that you'd wind up in jail instead somehow…


Damian sighs and walks out into the outside world as the scene fades.

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