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Locke & Key: The War Room

Colin Locke

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Dramatic orchestral music plays as the camera pans across a fairly cramped room, revealing several groups of people hard at work. On one side is a long table with people side-by-side, tapping furiously at their laptops, on the other side is a row of people answering telephones and scribbling down notes. In the centre of this is a third, circular table with a map of the USA on it. People are gathered around this table, debating and placing Monopoly houses on different parts of the map, and Colin Locke is pacing the room, overlooking the scene. He addresses these groups, going to each one to check on them as he does.


Colin: Laptop crew, what’re we seeing? Steve, any good news?


Laptop Steve: We’re currently refreshing several property websites to try and grab lots as they show up. We’ve found a few small ones, but things are starting to disappear a bit too quickly for comfort.


Colin: That’s alright for now, keep it up, we’ll take what we can for now. Phone brigade, what’s happening?


A young man, who had previously had his head planted on the desk with his hands on his ears as his phone vibrates next to him, looks up sheepishly.


Telephone Man: We’ve lost, Colin… U-Haul are offering a 10% student’s discount on storage, we can’t compete with those kinds of savings. The dream’s over.


Colin: Oh yes we can!


Colin looks into the camera for a moment as the orchestral music turns into cheesy infomercial musak.


Colin: Don’t you know that Locke & Key offer all students 30% off on all study-related storage, and offers free storage-space-to-study-space conversions to university bulk-buyers?


The orchestral music resumes, and Colin heads over to the map in the centre.


Colin: I wish I hadn’t failed Geography. Map people, what’s all this?


A woman with dark hair and large glasses carefully adjusts a Monopoly hotel and replies to Colin as she measures the distance between a toy dinosaur and a group of houses, the orchestral music fading out as she explains the situation.


Map Woman: We’re trying to track the extents of Archer’s budding storage empire. The dinosaur is where we think it ends at the moment, and those hotels are the lots we’re currently trying to buy.


Colin: You’ve put a fence around these lots just outside New York?


Map Woman: That’s the area I’m most worried about. Those are the lots that we owned at some point, but have now been bought by Archer.


Colin: What? How’s that happening?


Map Woman: It turns out that if you have a lot of money in America you can basically do whatever you like.


Colin winces and scans the table for a moment before picking up a Monopoly hat piece and placing it next to the fences.


Colin: We’ll make it work. So, I’d like to get us over to those lots soon so that we can clear out the abandoned and bought out ones, there might be good stuff in there. If I’m right, I reckon we can- wait, why is there a Darth Vader toy on the map?


Map Woman: That’s what we assume to be Archer’s current location.


There’s a moment of awkward silence as the two look at each other.


Colin: Okay, so if I’m right, I reckon we can grab the stuff, and while I’m doing that, we need to avoid that area, and, in the meantime, find out exactly where his main base is and mark it out. He doesn’t strike me as the sort of guy to sit in one easily accessible place, we can’t assume anything.


A few map workers start noting down the instructions and measuring various points on the map. All of a sudden, the telephone man from earlier leaps to his feet excitedly, waving his phone in the air.


Telephone Man: Colin! We’re finalising a purchase in New York! Actually in it, prime location! They wanna talk to you to get the details hammered out!


The room erupts in applause as Colin dashes over to the telephone man and high-fives him as he grabs the phone and puts it to his ear, a massive grin on his face.


Colin: Hello! Yes, it’s Colin Locke, let’s get this deal done, shall we?


He presses the loudspeaker button, and holds the phone out to the room. Everyone holds their breath, shaking with excitement.


Phone voice: Hi, Colin, it’s good to finally talk to you, let me just read out the final terms of the contract.


The man on the phone clears his throat loudly.


Phone voice: The new owner of this property has asked that it remains advertised as ‘on sale’ until contact with Locke & Key, particularly with Colin Locke, is made, so that they can be informed directly that may not buy this property, and that they no longer operate in this area. Mr Archer sends his regards.




The once excited silence turns cold immediately as the man hangs up the phone. Colin’s face drops, and he carefully places the phone on a nearby table, looking utterly dejected as he does so. The people at laptops, phones, and the map are clearly worried, they’re looking at each other in shock, and looking to Colin expectantly as he raises his head to address them.


Colin: Right.


Colin gulps and takes a deep breath.


Colin: We’re finding him. We need to track his main offices down and drop in unannounced, we can’t afford to let him have the upper hand when we first meet. I told him I’ll be having words if he keeps going, and I’m gonna keep my promise.


Everyone in the room nod in agreement as the scene fades out.

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Holy fucking shit. This is so perfect and stupid and I love it.



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