Don't Call It a Mid-life Crisis

[Useless Dane Xavier]

The camera slowly pans around a large luxury car store, showing all sorts of glistening new vehicles. The marble floors compliment these vehicles as they reflect off the freshly waxed floors. The camera finally comes to Dane Xavier and his assistant, Jasmine Dejour, being lead by a bald car salesman wearing a cardigan sweater. They come to a stop in front of a Bentley Arnage.

 

Car Salesman: This vehicle screams class, but most of all it screams youth, two qualities I can see that you clearly encompass.

 

Dane's eyes retract from the car and into the car salesman's direction.

Dane $ Xavier: You're damn right I'm classy, and young you know it! If money weren't my middle name then it would probably be young, because I'm a young man of great youth!

The car salesman chuckles.

Car Salesman: Alright, wonderful! So you think this is the car for you?

Dane looks over the car once more and notices his reflection in the tinted window. He quickly looks away in disgust as his own reflection.

 

Dane $ Xavier: I'll take fifty of them.

 

The car salesman's eyes widen as his gasps.

 

Car Salesman: Fifty? Sir, are you sure you want fifty of these, and not fifty completely different cars?

Dane $ Xavier: Look, I want fifty of these okay? I want fifty of these and I want all of them to be black. Whenever people see this car, I want them to associate it with Dane Xavier. I want them to see this car and say 'Hey, that man is young, he's classy, and he's got all of his hair!'

 

Dane slowly looks back at his reflection and feels at the bandana on his head.

 

Dane $ Xavier: All... of his hair...

 

Clearly offended by Dane's statement and by his ignorance to how rude that comment was, the bald car salesman now seems to be wanting to hurry this sale along.

 

Car Salesman: Will you be paying cash, charge, or do you want me to put on a wig and just start all over again?

 

Just then, Jasmine interjects.

 

Jasmine Dejour: Dane, what do you need a car for, and fifty of the same? You have a limo driver named Sam that owns a perfectly good limousine.

 

Dane $ Xavier: I know that, but I must have this car. Perhaps if people see me driving such a sophisticated vehicle, they will recognize me for the sophisticate that I am and show me a little bit of appreciation!

Jasmine Dejour: You already own like a hundred cars that you don't even drive. Besides, you will be shown plenty of appreciation coming up LIVE this Wednesday night on a Super Ultra Mega Deluxe Riot from the world's most historic arena when I will host Dane Xavier Appreciation Night!

That is what the kids these days are calling a plug.

 

Dane $ Xavier: That's wonderful Jasmine and I appreciate the gesture, no pun intended, but I'm buying fifty Bentley Arnages and there's nothing you can do about it.

 

Jasmine Dejour: But aren't you afraid that'll make you look even more like RD Mo--

Dane $ Xavier: NO! I'm nothing like that guy! Just because I have dollar signs on my knee pads and I wear clever t-shirts doesn't mean I'm anything like him, not to mention the fact that I actually know what to do with my money!

 

Dane walks up to the car salesman who is now holding a sale application on a clipboard in his hand, just waiting for this to be over with. Dane signs on the dotted line and makes his way toward the exit with Jasmine in tow.

 

Dane $ Xavier: Now let's get out of here, I've got more stuff to buy for no apparent reason.

 

The two make their way out the door, leaving behind a disgruntled car salesman. His assistant walks up to him with a feminine wig in hand.

 

Assistant: Your wig sir?

Car Salesman: Just... go away...

[Mez Murdock]

you need to cop you some extensions. fucka Bentley.

 

I know a bitch that'll lace you up real nice lol

[Kang James]

Read the title and thought this was gonna be about Jay's real life story.

[Jacob Trance]

50 bentleys and you cant afford a wig or hair transplant...

[Vincent Valmont]