A Huge Misunderstanding!

[Dylan Graves]

Bill Ding and Dylan Graves are riding down the highway in Bill’s 1993 Chevy Astro work van. They’re headed to the next show following their loss to B-17 and Jackson Montgomery at Certified Greatness. The silence and awkwardness inside the cabin of the vehicle is stifling.

 

Dylan: Thanks for letting me ride with you Bill. I knew my old Saturn wasn’t going to run forever, but I really needed it to last a few more months.

Bill: Well, I don’t mind helping out. You’ve got potential kid. I'm going to ask for a rematch when we see those guys again. We almost won that thing! I can't believe you let him kick you like that. The whole arena knew it was coming. It looked like you lost your footing and slipped! I think...I think you need new shoes or something, bud. Having a good look goes a long way in this business, if you can’t look the part…you’ll never live the part. Can you Ding that?

 

Bill and Dylan were both rather frustrated with the loss. More so, Bill was frustrated with Dylan. The losing team rode beside each other down the highway. Dylan was getting hungry. But, he didn’t want to ask Bill to stop, especially since he was already upset. Bill sighed deeply and as if we were a mind reader, began rummaging through his pant pockets.

 

Bill: “Ah ha!”

 

Dylan looked up from staring at the floor, to see Bill eating what was taken from his pocket...a flattened chicken salad sandwich that had been salvaged from the Certified Greatness catering 2 days before.

 

Dylan: Hey, Bill! That's not cool, man. Do you have another one of those for me? Dylan asked eagerly. "And, exactly what is wrong with my shoes? I think I have a good look, dude. I even have my own logo...that's fresh, huh?

 

Bill Ding: Fresh? Like eat fresh? I used to go there, until there were one too many foot longs being given out. As for that design...your buddy Bill’s got your appetite covered.

 

Bill digs in his pocket and pulls out a second sandwich. It looked like it had been in his pocket during the match. It was flattened and of unrecognizable age and texture.

 

Bill: It's still good, eat it!

 

Dylan sighed and shook his head in frustration, but quickly began devouring the sandwich. With his mouth stuffed full of aging salami, he starts to mumble.

 

Dylan: Whatever man, if it's my shoes that are to blame, I will get some new ones. Why don't you just stop somewhere and show me what I need to be using? That way we'll be on the same page, no more excuses, no more blame.

 

Bill: That’s not a bad id...

 

Bill started speaking too quickly and began choking on chicken salad. After several fits of panicked coughing, he stops the van and exits. He began bumping his chest into the fender of the van in a desperate attempt to get air. Dylan scurried behind him to administer the Heimlich maneuver, but Bill’s too large! Dylan’s arms simply can’t lock around the super heavyweight.

 

Dylan: Hold on, Bill. I’ll save you!

 

He runs to the rear door of the van and grabs a short piece of steel pipe from the cargo bay. He runs around to the front of the van and begins walloping Bill in the abdomen, trying to dislodge the rogue bite. After what seemed like a dozen or more strikes, a thick chunk of chicken salad came shooting out of Bill’s mouth, landing on the van’s windshield. Ding gasped to catch his breathe, but genuinely seemed no more winded than he normally does after walking to the ring. He composed himself quickly, grabbed the hunk of sandwich from the windshield and put it in his mouth. Dylan looked on in pure disgust and disbelief as Ding again started to speak, it was as if nothing had happened at all!

 

Bill: Now you’ve got the right idea. I built this city and I can build you into a star. But, that look has got to go. There’s an outlet mall up here. Have no fear, you’ll be lookin’ good in no time.

 

The van began to move, Bill was ready to merge back into traffic. Before he could make his move, another vehicle pulled in behind them, with lights flashing. The driver cautiously approached the van.

 

Police officer: License, registration, and proof of insurance please.

 

Bill Ding laid his arm casually out of the lowered window and smiled playfully at the officer, an attractive female.

 

Bill: Come on, officer…is all that really necessary? You know who I am, baby. Bill Ding built this city, you gotta know that! Can I get you an autograph? Souvenir foam hammer? I got ‘em in the back, gifts for the whole family...starting just $9.99! But a girl like you can get one for free.

 

The officer reaches for a handset clipped to her shoulder. She presses a button, the radio squawks, and she speaks into it.

 

Police officer 1: Dispatch, 4-14 requesting backup. Call the captain, we’ve got a celebrity here.

 

The cop turns her eye quickly back to Bill. She finally returns his near-lustful stare. Something in her expression suggests her smile may be a bad omen.

 

Police officer 1: Mr. Ding, I’m going to have to ask you and your passenger to slowly step out of the vehicle.

 

The officer’s call for backup had not gone unnoticed. Sirens could be heard in all directions and it was only moments before several more policemen arrived on the scene. Bill and Dylan both did as they were instructed, exiting the vehicle slowly. Immediately, Dylan was tackled to the ground and subdued by several officers. The attractive female officer walked slowly over to Bill Ding.

 

Police officer 1: You come with me. We need to have a talk.

 

In no time at all, Dylan Graves had been handcuffed as was being searched near the front of the van. With Bill Ding’s departure, a male officer began to question Dylan.

 

Police officer 2: Mr. Graves…how long have you and Mr. Ding been partners?

 

Dylan: Um…just a few days, really. We’re still getting to know each other. But, we have really great chemistry and I think we’re going to make a serious run together!

 

Police officer 2: I see…and do you two fight often?

 

Dylan: Oh, gosh yes. We fight all the time. We even fought with each other when we were just singles, you know? I beat him good that time. Since we’ve been together…we only fought once. It was against two other guys. We lost that fight because of me and he’s been mad at me about it for days.

 

Police officer 2: Is that what you two have been fighting about here today?

 

Dylan: Fighting? Here? Today? Man, we’re not fighting here. We got a house show tomorrow night, but that’s in Houston…not here.

 

Police officer 2: Mr. Graves, I don’t have time for this, so I’ll be frank. A citizen reported an assault at this location and has produced cellphone video of you striking your partner in the stomach with a metal pole, more than ten times, right here on the side of the road. I do not know where you’re from, but we do not tolerate that behavior here. It’s my duty to inform you that based on the evidence on that video and your statement to me today; you are being placed under arrest for criminal domestic violence. You have the right to remain silent, anything you say…

 

Dylan cut him off. His eyes couldn’t have been any wider. His pulse really began to race. He started thrashing and screaming.

 

Dylan: Criminal? Domest..DOMESTIC? No, you’ve got it all wrong man. We're not that kind of partners! TAG TEAM PARTNERS! Bill! Bill! You gotta tell them, Bill. Bill? You’ve gotta believe me officer, this is a huge misunderstanding. BILL!!!!!!

 

Police officer 2: I’m sure it is, son. Watch your head.

 

Dylan was placed in the back of the police cruiser and the door was closed. Inside, he continued screaming for Bill’s help. But, no one could hear him through the soundproof glass. Two cars behind, he was looking at Bill; over there…alone with the female officer. He hadn’t seen Dylan get locked up.

 

Dylan: Come on, Bill. Don’t let me down. You’ve gotta straighten this out.

[B-17]

No rematch. If Bill falls on me....game over, man, game over.

[Dennis Black]

Just play dying light with us this weekend; problem solved, savages.

[Joe Zhivago]

Awww, you guys!

[Jackson Montgomery]

This won't matter in the long run Dylan. I knew you crazy kids would get together sooner or later!