Cort Marshall

Actual show comments come later, but no, that isn't how it works. A reset is a reset, it is neutral ground. You back up far enough away and for enough time that the next contact is effectively a new event. If a reset was just "giving them enough time to reverse again" then you'd be able to have them down on revs very quickly. It's meant to be a separation followed by another clash. Now I ain't a vet but I haven't had FPR complaints since like 3 months after I got here, except for Jay that one time and he was wrong. Lol. Bumping should not be putting yourself at risk as long as both competitors are following the rules of the game, that being a bump is a reset. The person being bumped should not attempt an attack before both are separated. You did that too. To put it another way, if you think a reset is only about time and not spacing... if you reset but stand close, they're a) confused because most people don't do that, and b) now forced into two choices: attack or wait and try to reverse. You're effectively removing the movement options and more freeform attack options they have after a proper reset. It's not full-on rule breaking but kind of soft-fucking them out of options and a mind-game-by-doityness. They might have time to attack, but their brain is going "huh he ain't supposed to be--GAK" Think of it like this: You stand there, they have two choices. Easy enough to predict. You back off, they can now do more than attack or wait; they can back off out of the ring, try a springboard, and their attacks if they do them will be less predictable since you both have to close distance. You only did it like 25% of the time, but, y'know, dondodat. Most egregious is 15 mins in, you just crapple the guy after a pin reset. That's the one that's a flagrant rule break. Tyler also kicked out of maybe a bit much but I get it, the match didn't run long anyhow.

Double posting now that I actually watched the show. - I can't wait for Valk's Crow Sting run. Just needs hair dye and a bat! - Jackman leaning into that box gimmick like he and Tay leaned into the paper plates. Good man, consummate worker. Push him, boss. - Enjoyed Capo/CJ/Peter rp. CJ is all over these shows. Capo like... him and Jehst would be a heel in the old days with this gimmick but he's just too likable. Plus half the OCW roster are psychotic. - A new tag team of Wrex and Fury... it almost sounds like a 90's cartoon. WREX FURY: SCUM NATION!

Bobby Minio with the promo of the night for sure. Totally sucked me in with the Mark Henry thing, but instead of being a huge face by beating up John Cena he annoyed everyone by never shutting up. Perfect.

Look at my markouts. Then look back at yours. Then back to mine. Now go back to the rookie corner!

The mystery opponent is a bunch of question marks, so it can only be B17's sexuality.

Nice reference there Jay!

Laughed my ass off at the last couple minutes. Why aren't you a stand-up comic? Because you'd rather sit down?

Colorado is just Canada lite anyway

I'll be doing the opposite of Drago and doing RPs instead of matches. Mainly cause RPs don't take 20 mins or more. Call me lazy, I am! Starting off with Haitch Two Oooooh, who's been killing it as this arrogant deluded wanker like some sort of Canadian TJP with that '99 Macho Man hairline. His obsession with the title puts it over well, and he's been very consistent with RPs and matches. I hate him! Kayfabe... I ain't jay. Shouldn't he know Heather is just gonna ditch him when he starts jobbing again? - I see Valk and Aerith just decided to use the Axxess name. I went with fanzone cause I didn't want any litigious gentlemen! Good RP though, very good face stuff to be all buddy buddy with kids etc. I like how she works in mythology in a natural, non... wwe-gimmicky way. I'm used to such historic/ethnic gimmicks being HERE COMES SABA SIMBA WITH HIS OOGA BOOGA STICK, WOW WHAT AN AFRICAN AFRICAN MAN HUH HOTROD???? Impressed with Valk and Styxx for being able to carry on a longish feud with good heat as rookies. A lot of us don't do that, me included. I need to make a story to book, instead of adjusting stories with booking... Valk wants to go out alone. The faciest of face moves. But will this, like Miz at Mania, result in CONSEQUENCES? Also, nice pun about champs getting resiliency. - Ragnarath... you gotta do punctuation, man. - I like the three-way build into Lution for the tag belts, making the originally paper turmoil belts feel more prestigious than the riot ones! AFAIK the only active riot tag teams are the champs and us... I'll get back into the breach for the tags, I swear. Hollywood money doing what should be a heel gimmick complete with coming out to shittalk the other teams, but are still likable. Jehst and Capo fit together like peas in a pod. A greasy pod. Shoutout to Code Terror as well for making what looked like the most random possible team-up into an actual thing. - How are you unsuccessful at catching penguins the first time? How did I almost misspell penguins? Did Drago just drop a Fist of the North Star reference? - B-17 cuts a promo that starts with Goldust goes classic territory babyface, then wraps back up to Goldust. Lithen to tha heart of the american dream, brutha! And FEEL tha erek-shon. - Next season, Bray wants CJ. He doesn't know who y'all want, but he wants CJ. He pulls a Flojo and pops in to non-sequitir yell at the men who SHOULD be named Double Dragon, then leave. See you next season? - No! Bah gawd, that woman has a family! I think! Cheryl is such a hateable heel, especially since Valk is basically a fun size halloween candy bar trying to live in a full size candy bar world. That's a nasty fuckin injury... on one hand, I don't wanna see her gone, but I can't imagine no-selling that unless she gets a bionic foot. Daring rookie does more slow burn managing/promo-ing recovery while looking ahead to finally beating up that no good cowgirl? But Stixx sure has spurs... that jingle jangle. - Flojo with a good promo, pretty ballsy to have your character hhhambled working the merch! Just like poor Concessions Kane, getting bullied while making an honest wage. Not sure I wanted the image of a dude cosplay fucking with a lucha mask but it's in there now. I like to think the body pillow guy is the same Husky Harry from earlier. Nice song drop, too... I hope to see more consistent character work from Flojo following this, and less random non-sequitirs about Hamtaro in the discord. W E E B S. - Dupree with such a good “Bret Hart gives a whinge about how much better the old days were” promo that I almost started writing a counter promo on the spot. Stay in your chair 'cause the future is now, OLD MAN! Really great promo, gets the feeling that he's still an arrogant prick but we're all sad to see him go just the same. Funny how he truly loses all hope because of B17's hair... - Drago's accent is good gimmick. Penis. Hurt. Da. - Cozz cuts a promo about how the OCW you-knee-verse abandoned him in his time of need! Ain't gonna say I haven't seen this before, but it's a start. Decent promo but PROOFREAD! And I see your Drax reference. No reference goes over my head. - Nice connection of tag postmatch to Valk injury angle. I like it when characters and stories mingle in segments. Makes the world feel more established and real, instead of everyone having their own little bubble. Another thing I wanna do more! That's what my interactions with Pete were for, not a full storyline because we can't really interact across consoles. So, yeah, if anyone has a segment they feel would be improved by AMERICA... Also like that a lot of the turmoil faces seem to be friends with one another. Much different from Riot's atmosphere of “everyone is an ambitious paranoid weirdo.” - Wrex with a solid promo, seeming to conclude his beef with Jim. Funny how we all write him differently, I just treated Jim as Mean Gene, snide but not involved too much, whereas Wrex's Jim has more gumption, and even encourages him... to do the reich thing. - I was salty about the draw, but it leaves the feud open, and man, KD being a literal superhuman is fucking awesome. I'm sure I don't mistake the shades of BRAAAUUUUN! In the bumper pulling. Or goldberg with his badass but bad idea hand-meet-window stunt. I can't wait to see Kass, OCW's other white, annoying, technical-wrestling belt obsessor to get his ass kicked by KD. Or for him to whup KD's ass while he kicks out of everything at 1.5 like this time? - Wait, Capo's a loveablei-if-status-obsessed face but Gene is a total beyotch? Maybe it's because her name is Gene. Or Genevieve, but apparently you people need an intellectual saviour because you can't pronounce that and now she has the name of a 55 year old wood shop teacher. Mm-hmm. Snide remarks but no fists flying. Flojo makes a !SAXUAL FAVORS! Remark at Gene... maybe not in the best position to do so but what do I know. I'm not hot enough to suck my way up. - Good on H2O to at least withhold from burying Bobby postmatch because he already did it during! HOOH! One man revolution lookin' like a one man band. It's okay, Bobby, Jay likes you more anyway. - Leon casts some much deserved shade on Kass's Whiteboy Blade look, and unlike Tibby seems to have some gumption left for regular, non hugely paid appearances! Eager to see the man in action. He added me on Steam so I like him. - Actual match note: Trance has a great moveset. Though half of it is saying he was “in the business!” - Echo with a great promo, another addition to the drama of Cheryl/Valkyrie. She goes for the underutilized non-heel take of blaming management/fans for allowing this to happen, and, well, she ain't wrong. Like it or not, fans want blood! But was it worth it, huh? Was it? WAS IT YOU SICK SONS OF... BEESWAXES, BECAUSE JAY HATES NO-NO WORDS!!??? Killer last line. - Alright now you all know I'm not the MOST diligent at following shows, but last I saw Maxwale he was an odd duck who was on the receiving end of some of salt-2-O's wrath through no real fault of his own. But now he's full on heel, slagging the hometown sports teams like they shat in his mailbox. Real good promo for a rookie? Or is he an alt. And I still dunno wtf is up with that name but at least it gets chants. - Heel-er turn by HASHTAG Austin LEE! It's not enough that B17 lose the title, he must also lose his ability to live his dream in an OCW ring! Lee breaks up a storied faction and establishes himself, if he hasn't already, as a key player. Watch out, though. You can't keep a bisexual—I mean a good man down! - And that's the show! I think you all already know it's good. But it was good. It even had WWE style prematch vignettes to get people hyped. Now THAT is extra. Time to throw Jay his customary “thank you for the effort” cookie so he doesn't go insane and shoot up a server stack, as well as the rock... and the pee-pul of OCW. Reading and watching this has made me realize I need to up my game a little. Whether I do so or not, we shall see. Oh, and props to The Steve for being able to work with me during a difficult time. You may have noticed our build was a bit... sparse and there are reasons for that I won't get into if he doesn't. Chill dude. See you next week. EDIT: I think I only reviewed the main show? So I still gotta give the preshow its due. Fuckin hell this shit is longer than even my most legendary turd. Preshow writeup later, then? EDIT EDIT: Also missed Nate's sad old man segment, and probs other vids cause I was trying to get this done before bed. I'm fooked, Mistah Hitman.

Face Cort vs. heel H2O... can America beat Canada, even though they're both actually Canadian? Find out next time on Dragon Testicle Z!

Thanks for all the reviews, lads... I might add more later but for now, if Kass wants to take credit for shoving me "down the card..." He's welcome to receive these psalms or whatever it is the kids say these days!

"De?" German detected. Prepare for freedom injection.

You tryin to kill me before lution boss man?

Jack Tunney's reign of terror?

How many shoes did he throw? Just his two? Or does he have a bag of holding with shoes in it. Or did he steal other people's shoes to throw back at them. Or did he wear really large shoes with smaller shoes nestled inside of them.

Foist?

Host: Ladies, gentlemen, and people of all genders, welcome to yet another STAR STUDDED episode of “Are You Nicer than an SJW!” Allow me to introduce today’s participants… Cort makes his way from backstage, stepping out from the curtain and politely waving to the crowd. Host: First up, Sergeant Cort Marshall! An OCW superstar and former champion, he’s gotten in some hot water with his boss and hopes to redeem himself on today’s show! Cort makes his way to center stage and sits down behind the contestant’s podium. Host: And secondly, today’s judge! Hailing from a very liberal college in california and raised by upper middle class parents who brew coffee one keurig pod at a time, she majors in women’s studies and runs a blog on cultural appropriation in the saxophone manufacturing industry in her spare time: Francine Lebowski! Cort nervously stares as all 270 pounds of the judge shuffles over to the judge’s podium. She sits down emphatically, like a skyrim NPC. Host: In case you don’t know the rules by now, the game is set up like so: the judge will ask questions of the contestant, and there are four possible answers. There will be five questions, and Cort must get at least three right to pass! If he does, he obtains our sought-after certificate AND a life’s supply of rice-a-roni, the San Francisco treat! The crowd cheers. Host: Now that we’re through the pleasantries, without further ado… let the games begin! The stage lights up and a jingle plays before the judge reads out the first question. Cort scratches his chin. Cort: Well… my first reaction WOULD be Jay. Because everything is his fault. But considering the context of the… oppression… that… people of colour go through every day… He coughs. Cort: Excuse me. As I was saying, in context of the oppression people like Jay face from colonizers clickbombing the site to vote on popularity polls, I’d have to blame… Cort: Hnng. Cort clutches his chest. Judge: Uh, are you… Cort winces in pain. Cort: I’ll be fine. Cort: I’d have to blame wypipo. Ding ding ding! Host: Your answer is correct! The crowd applauds. Judge: That was an easy one. Let’s see how well you do on this: Cort: A collection of watermelons? Judge: It’s hypothetical. You have 5 seconds. Cort: UH TUSKEN RAIDERS BUZZ Host: Sorry, that’s wrong! The correct answer was: Donald Trump. Judge: Donald Trump stole your watermelons and gave it to the rich because he hates the middle class. Cort: I find that extremely hard to believe. Judge: The middle class part? Cort: No, that Donald can’t afford his own watermelons. Host: Getting a little off track here, people. Judge: Sorry. Ahem. Cort: OBVIOUSLY C because that’d be badass as… He trails off. Cort: My apologies, I misspoke. I meant D, because though you may think it’s funny, online harassment is no joke. He smiles directly into the camera, completely disingenuous.. Host: Correct! Judge: I personally am victimized daily by people on the internet calling me names, and I’m impressed that you understand how I feel. Thank you! Cort: You’re welcome. What kind of names? Judge: excuse me? Cort: What kind of names do they call you. The judge sniffs. Judge: Well everyone from high school still calls me “The Big Lebowski.” Cort’s mouth twitches and he breathes through his nose, trying not to laugh. Cort: That’s absolutely hil--orrible. Horrible of them. Judge: It’s not my fault. I have a glandular problem! Next question: Cort: Oh, that’s easy. A. BUZZ Judge: Actually, no. Tusken raiders are constantly disparaged for their accuracy and are often targets of slaughter. The men, the women... even the children, too. Host: If Cort gets one more question wrong, he’s out! He has to get the next question right or else! Cort pulls on his collar. Judge: This next one is about videogames. Cort pulls on his collar harder. Cort: I have literally never played a videogame in my life. This isn’t fair. Please. Judge: Should have thought of that before you got yourself on this show! Cort shifts uncomfortably, looking around the room as the clock ticks down. Cort: I just need to think… what would an OCW veteran do… Cort rubs his bald spot, before blurting out: Cort: TETS. Judge: What? Cort: Big fat tets… is all people think of when they see women in videogames? Because of the prominent display of said tets? Host: Correct! It looks like we have a WINNER! Confetti cannons blast, and the jingle plays again. The host hands Cort his shiny, spanking new certificate. Printed in colour, too, so you know they spent the big bucks. Cort: Yes! Now where’s my rice-a-roni? Host: It’ll be delivered to your house via dump truck within the week. Cort: Thank you, thank you! Just watch for the landmines. Host: This has been another heartfelt episode! Tune in next week to see a former KKK member go toe to toe with a half-asleep Stevie Wonder! Goodnight, everybody! The camera zooms out, panning over the stage and audience, before the credits roll.

Cort sits in a taupe/beige/eggshell/ office (with unenthusiastic teal carpet) belonging to OCW’s silent boogeymen, the powers that be, the men behind the men, the ghostly fist of social justice… human resources. Chairs are arranged so that Cort is alone facing a panel of four HR personnel, each with varying states of resting bitch face. The atmosphere is oppressive. On the wall, a clock ticks. The roman numeral for 4 on it is written as “IIII.” Some believe this room to be purgatory incarnate. To Cort, it is an early circle of hell. He has been there for two and a half hours. One of the HR people taps a pen on his clipboard. HR 1: Next question. A minority applies for a job at a workplace you manage. He has equal qualifications to other applicants, who are white. Whom do you pick? A single bead of sweat slides down Cort’s forehead. Cort: If you think I’m going to hire some do-nothing green-card... He coughs. Cort: I mean, I don’t know? If they all have equal qualifications it’s not… an easy decision? The man taps the pen again, harder. HR 1: Wrong! If they’re a non-white american, they’re a HIRED american! If we want to vanquish the sick, pervasive, festering disease that is white supremacy, we must always give everyone else a chance first! Cort looks at the committee. Cort: But… you’re all white? A woman raises her shrill, strangled bird of prey type voice. HR 2: AKTUALLY, I am descended from the great Jewish tribes of Northern Antafrica, and I am VERY offended that you would seek to marginalize me this way! Cort: I’m sorry, I should have expected this. She raises an eyebrow. The silence is palpable. HR 2: ... Why? Because of my-- Cort is completely oblivious. Cort: Because of your nose, yes. She screams. HR 2: No, no, no! Assuming makes a gluteus maximus out of you and me! Not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course. Many gluteus maximuses are vibrant and creative contributors to society and should be celebrated… She trails off. The man speaks up again. HR 1: We’ve been at this for hours and you’re still not grasping the basics. You have to let go of your internalized prejudices and see everyone on a basis of being equal. And then you have to apologize for what your great grandfather did in the crusades. Cort: My great grandfather was a potato farmer in the 1900’s. Another man on the right with frosted tips who looks like Guy Fieri after 3 years as a POW begins to speak. HR 3: And I bet he voted republican too! See! It runs in your family, Cort. But we can help you. We’re not your enemies! If you want that match… you have to face an even tougher test. The test of letting go of your hate. HR 3: Let’s try a little exercise. Close your eyes. Breathe deeply. Mmmkay? Now. Imagine the person you hate most in the world. A hypothetical combination of everything you dislike. Cort frowns. Cort: ... It’s just H2O. Cort: Wait… Cort: Nope, he turned into Al Gore. Frosted McTips sighs. HR 3: Really? Al Gore. Al fudging Gore. Not, like, Hitler or something? Al Gore was worse than Hitler? Cort: Well, Hitler didn’t run for president… but now that you mention it, I can give Gore a Hitler ‘stache. HR 3: That’s not the point! Cort: Well, what is? I’m liking it already. I can imagine beating him up and taking his lunch money and filling a sock with marbles and… The third man is getting frustrated at this point, his voice strained. HR 3: No! Wrong! You’re supposed to imagine that person and make peace with them. Accept that your ideals and their ideals are different, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re wrong. Cort: Isn’t that what you just did to me? HR 3: ... No! Are you stupid! He gasps and claps a hand over his mouth. HR 3: I’m sorry, so sorry! I meant “are you developmentally disabled.” That was very un-PC. Cort opens his eyes. Cort: So I’m supposed to… somehow… imagine… that not all liberals are wrong? HR 3: Yes. Cort: But that’s the default state of a liberal! It’s like positive and negative electro-thingies! You can’t be right and a liberal! HR 3: Don’t use words like “can’t.” Instead use words like “seemingly unlikely from my current point of view!” Cort: But that’s not a word. That’s a phrase. HR 3: And you don’t want to be phrase-ist, do you? Cort stares. HR 3: DO YOU!? Cort: N-no? HR 3 nods. HR 3: Thank you. Maybe we are getting somewhere! The previously-silent last member of the committee speaks. HR 4: Regardless… we don’t have all the time in the world, Mr. Marshall. After all, we are very busy people. And there are many peoplekind in OCW who do not respect others! Why, just today I had to reprimand a certain Paul P. about his outbursts against rookie wrestlers! Just because they decide it’s a good idea to stick their members into an electrical socket does NOT mean we should hamper their freedom of sexual exploration! Cort interjects. Cort: Didn’t they go to the hospital? What was it… Frankie something? She responds,completely serious. HR 4: He died. Anyway, here is your “homework.” She hands Cort a massive, hardcover textbook. The cover is a simple black, and inset in gold leaf are the words “The PC Bible.” Over the word “Bible,” a piece of tape has been placed, and it reads “Nonspecific Religious Text.” It has to be at least 900 pages, and as she drops it into Cort’s hands, it lets out a puff of dust. Cort exhales. Cort: Dear god in heaven. Guy Starvieri pipes up again. HR 3: Or valhalla! We do have a nordic superstar under our employ. HR 4: Regardless, you are now free to leave. But do not neglect your studies… the test will not be easy. And it will be televised. Cort: It what!? HR 3: Yeah, it’s our hot--but not TOO hot because we don’t want anyone to feel bad--new game show called “Are You Nicer Than an SJW?” See you then! Cort: Oh-kay... Cort gets up, uneasily after so long sitting down. Cort: Oof. Man, what are these chinese plastic chairs you guys have here? Makes my ass feel like a San Francisco fa--I mean, uh. Yes. I will book. I mean read. Read the book. Cort backs away slowly from the unamused committee until he reaches the doorway, where he turns around and full sprints out of there.

Ok, El Steven, if that IS your real name...

You gonna come out of retirement to fight Valmont's kids?

Hope y'all like the tag match. Felt like it clicked while I was playing it.

One day Jay will die and his ghost will still post Riot like "my funny bone is sore and the bus to purgatory is 30 mins late, #fuckmyafterlife"

If it isn't easy, but it isn't hard, isn't it just medium? I agree, I have tried very medium to get where I am.

Damn, even though I tried to run up a ladder like 3 times without realizing they took that out?

OCW's newest superstar, and he's totes natty... http://i0.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/017/461/1294146410148.jpg