Cort Marshall

On one hand, I like the sincerity. Good babyface. On the other, WEEABOOS. On the third hand that's growing from my left nipple, it is Cowboy Bebop. So thumbs up. I need some Rad-away.

I know what this reminds me of... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TQN3L01Qz80

Love this idea. Good shit. Like Kitchen Nightmares but instead of a guy putting salad in the microwave while fondling his balls it's a guy named Super Smegma throwing a homeless man headfirst into a fish tank. While fondling his balls. ZERO DIMES!

So this is like WCW, paying Hogan's flight in when he didn't even have anything on the show? I bet we even gave some of them 1-day rookies advance cheques!

Oh shit, a heartfelt OCW promo. This barely ever happens! Usually it's about crack or something!

Guy who heavily misuses pop culture references and idioms. "We'll burn that cross when we come to it." "It's a cromulently perfect word."

Alright so I know I kind of half-skim this stuff most days and can't really tell one new guy who leaves vs the next. Like Russo? What happened to him? People still care about Destiny? And I still can't load matches without leaving the mp4 open for 20 minutes (fuck you Telus) so I'm mostly gonna comment on RPs. And Lucas's intro, 'cause I watched that. I dig the fact he's ballsy enough to be pulling an entire gimmick and hairstyle from a classic 80's movie, but at the same time, he sort of looks like a heavy drug user cosplaying Brian Knobbs. And the contacts... Like the outfit, though. And good promos. More juice than Robinson! - CJ did a good intro promo, nice establishment of character and look, though I dunno if the previous indies stuff was supposed to be kayfabe--or, like me, he was in some shitshow e-fed fighting guys named Pussyfart with 100 OVR. The storm bit was a bit corny but I can imagine it with some late 90's style WWF editing. Good to have more faces in and he wrote more than 3 lines so he's probably not an early quitter. - Wrex lost his colons somewhere but it's okay. - Like how Madison comes off as this manipulative chess player sorta thing, like Sherri but with less screaming like a powersaw. - I'd love to see Tiberius, a huge jacked guy, running around killing children. That's the only scene of Fate I've watched. Someone showed me a clip from Prisma and I didn't wanna go to jail. - Shepherd's RP was short but a good way for a face to deal with losing. Harder for them than it is for me, because Cort's a delusional fuckbag who can just make up some BS excuse and it's 100% in character. - Need context on the castaway RP and why the commentators are laughing. Who laughs at a shipwreck? People who review TNA for fun, I guess. - KD, I dunno why that fan would make fun of you for not having a match. Like, what? "Haha! You TOTALLY banged my mom last night. Psyke! She no-showed!" Doesn't make sense. - Ding's been set up! Anyone who's seen Temple of Doom knows not to get on suspicious planes. I look forward to OCW's amazing legal team attempting to get him out before he loses some weight in prison. - Did Madison just convince Dennis to have sex in front of a bunch of robed possible satanists from craigslist? Is this wrestling or erotic roleplay with stiff elbows to the jaw? - Drago has a robot lion? What's kayfabe? Speaking of, wasn't there some Crisis on Infinite OCWs shit happening last PPV? What are the rules of this universe? When I get in the hall of fame can I give my character an 8 foot long penis and the power to breathe fire? But yeah, shame we didn't get to do our tag match... it was fun. I punched Ed in the dick while he was taking a piledriver and he got dropped right on his neck. Real technical masterpiece.

Don't give me any attire ideas.

Yeah that was our one-and-done to get the match on. Only day we had together was 3 hours before the deadline... and the match worked first go! But some shizz happened with the recording. By that point we were already an hour+ late and half of us were asleep. I thought he wasn't gonna even put it in so I quit working on the RP halfway through and went to bed. Shoulda submitted it with some silent movie ragtime music because then the framerate would have been an artistic decision. Like one of those french movies white girls from Portland like.

You know, the predictions for the elections were wrong, too...

Welcome to the battle royal featuring DDP, Sting, The Rock, Dusty Rhodes... Maven? Brooklyn Brawler? Is that a dead rat? Judy Bagwell?

Give the title back to Vacant. He's a reliable champion. Currently residing in Marty Jannetty's head, I think.

Thanks, bro. I was super worried I was gonna get donked when you hit me with the superkick at 2 bars of health...

The scene opens with an intrepid OCW cameraman slowly making his way through the entrance to Cort Marshall's trailer park fortress. From inside, a muffled mix of tv ads and sobbing can be heard. There's stuff scattered all over the floor; from sports memorabilia to empty bottles of cheap booze. There's even a framed picture of the American Ninja Warrior cast. That's weirdly specific. The place is a mess. The cameraman tries to gingerly step between the Big Mac wrappers so as not to be heard... Americans are volatile when startled. He makes his way to the living room, as the sound grows louder. Peeking through the doorframe, the viewers are treated to a sorry sight. Cort Marshall is on the couch, buried under a giant beach towel with an eagle design. In one hand is a bowl of popcorn covered in... is that ketchup? Ew. In the other is a minifigure from the LEGO ™ Benghazi playset, and pieces of a My Little Insurgent: Dream Bunker toy are all over the floor in front of him. At least three guns are haphazardly scattered on the couch as well. The TV is blaring ads for fakey cutlery, “helpful” objects designed for the severely handicapped, and Cash 4 Gold pyramid scams under the name “Global Farce Wrestling.” A long-forgotten failed OCW competitor, no doubt. Cort is stuffing the popcorn into his mouth while snivelling. Cort: It's not FAIR, is it? He... the ref was bought! It was a plot! All along! A conspiracy by the liberal communists to destroy America... H2O was just the latest in the reptilian play for world domination! I bet he's secretly yiddish! Isn't that right Commander Biceps? He places the toy soldier on one arm of the couch and pats him on the head. Cort: You're not like the rest of them, sport. You always fight the good fight. Remember episode 78, when you and Corporal Snatchblaster had to fight the Vietnamese T-Rex Riders? My life is just like that. But harder. The cameraman leans in to get a better look. Cort still hasn't noticed him. Suddenly, the phone rings. Cort reaches his free hand over to stab a button on the base, knocking over Commander Biceps in the process. The phone is on speaker. Cort: Is this about my Super Duper Almond Slicer for only $9.99? If it isn't, leave me alone. A crackly but familiar voice on the other end laughs. ???: Not quite. But I do have an offer you might find... lucrative. At this point the cameraman shifts on his feet, and crunches the remains of a 9/11 commemorative snowglobe under his shoe. Cort's head snaps to the doorway, catching the cameraman red-handed. He shoots up off the couch, revealing that he's wearing George W. Bush branded pyjama bottoms and a dirty wife-beater. Cort: IT TAKES ME 5 SECONDS TO LOAD MY SHOTGUN, BOY, HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE YOU TO GET OUT. The cameraman turns and runs back out of the trailer, hurriedly opening the door of his car and throwing the camera into the passenger seat. The last images from the video you see are his hand slamming the shifter into reverse.

But wrestling is so straight! The only thing less gay is the Village People.

Yeah, me neither, actually.

Yeah I was surprised I didn't get completely ruined the moment I went down to zero reversals. Laughed out loud during the raging erection promo.

That was hilarious but I'll give ya 13 cents worth of steam trading cards to pretend it never happened. Also, I didn't know you were allowed to ignore the reset if you heavy reverse the guy.

Somebody call a bondulance, bames nond's having a stronk!

Mister Gorbachev, tear down this wall. Then help me build another one to keep them darn dirty bean machines out.

Yeah, I only did it this time because there was nobody else in the promo, so I thought it would flow better. Thanks for the encouragement in general, guys. It's appreciated. As for the show... - Jackson Montgomery is possibly the one guy Cort would get along with, haha. - Rhyme Tyme are really entertaining. The whole old school tag team aesthetic plus the annoying/hype energy is great. Speaking of tag teams, do we have any besides them and TKF? - Best line of the night in my opinion was the Jack one about watching fat women exercise and beating off. Also, why is exercise so close to exorcise? I swear I type the wrong one every time. - The Sentai Hare part is pretty much golden again. - Mugen would be a hit with smarks. Internet fans like nothing better than seeing people dropped on their heads, until they're like "oh no that guy is massively brain damaged how sad people should wrestle safer" Next week they're mad at some guy for not doing 450's every day. Molly's deadpan is also good. Deadpan is always great. In fact, just kill all the kitchen utensils. Fuck cooking, I can order pizza every night and become King of the Ring. Worked for Mabel. - Drago and Nate is a great build. I find it sort of weird that there's a more-than-averagely intelligent lion involved, but I suppose you had to be there. I like those in-ring confrontations that tease the match without spoiling parts of it, unlike in WWE where they'll have dudes just fight on Raw before a PPV. Like, why? Wrestlution is sort of awkward both to say and type, but I'm excited.

That final promo was hype as shit. The Sentai Hare one was also way too real. Both for Super Sentai and wrestling today. Nine ninetey nine!

Thanks, man. I aim to please, or at least not piss off. I wish the 2k games would let you do more actual wrestling shit, like chains of moves, or running the ropes more than once, but it is what it is. I figured I'd also say what I thought of the show, because if there's anywhere underqualified noobs can loudly shout their opinions with no fear of retribution, it's the internet. I'll just be going over the RP's because my internet seems to hate the video host here. Will probably just download them in bulk next time. Leon and Jack escape Hard Times prison: Syntax error was a personal friend of mine. Anyway, this is fucking funny. I can't imagine someone shoving drugs up their ass on a wrestling show. I mean, not with the cameras on. I'm sure Shieky-baby did that at at least once during a traffic stop. Also, a crazy naked man sounds like a great addition to the roster. Like Kamala but less fat and tumblr wouldn't get mad. Just don't name his handler after noodles this time. I missed the first bit of this, but it's already better than the Prison Break TV show. Good shit. Diamond Denial: I spent like 15 minutes trying to think of a way to make a DDP joke here. Whatever. I like this character of a delusional magician guy. It's easier to get over when losing if your character's entire promo repertoire isn't “I'm the best.” I probably should have thought of that myself. Oops. The debut promo was great too. Definitely a unique idea. I can't really recall anything similar to this in the wrestling I've seen, besides maybe DDP's whole self-help guru phase? Only negative point is that I would proofread some of this. Like, I mean, you don't have to be a professor, but capital letters are useful. Oh, and Diamond should totally spit that muta mist shit in someone's face then pretend it was a disappearing act at some point. H2Owned: See, his name is really easy to pun. I like this. But it's really hard to do face promos with any sort of personality and you nailed it. Even harder to talk smack about your next match without sounding heelish. I like how you made it about both you and your opponent looking for redemption. It all feels like a real promo. Though, I did notice you called it “The OCW Universe.” Does that mean we're alternate-reality WWE? Do the announcers have to shill for the OCW Network or else be replaced by Sesame Street puppets yelling about football? Is Enzo Amore 7 feet tall and somehow still wearing my grandma's Chrysler LeBaron seat covers for clothes? Betty Ford and the Quest for the Mythical Bitch part One, AKA too close to real people I know in 5 years: You really have a gift for character and descriptions. These people feel so real I want to lock my doors when I stop next to them at a light, then spray febreeze directly up my nose. Lots of good lines in this one. I feel like THE MOST RAVAGED VAGINA IN THE SEVEN LANDS is a homebrewed DnD campaign, somewhere. Dragana and Casey Jones visit the bathroom: I love the visual of a guy really into that Edwin Starr song getting slapped into the women's bathroom. Sentai Hare is also great. “Power Ranger” is such an untapped gimmick. I mean, I'm sure some local indie has one, but I'm also sure they're played by a doughy 140-pound white kid who can only do enziguris and nearly suicidal ssp's. Cole Kappa doesn't like the rhythm: Short, but nothing wrong with that. You can build a character without 65 paragraphs. It's nice to have postmatch interaction that isn't a beatdown. In my last fed, literally any time a guy lost he would just RP that he beat up the winner postmatch. It was like someone put the attitude era in the oven too long. Nothing like having Goldust attempt to break John Cena's neck. Rev Inc. Wolfpac vs. Hollywood: I feel like this would be cool as shit if I knew the history. Faction splits are great storyline fuel. I like how there's tension within the couple of Madison and Dennis because of them choosing different sides. What can I say, I just love faction storylines. I'm not Russo, though, I swear. Bro. Baker Man Bakes in Sadness: Another good face promo. Telling the other guy he won't win without falling into the trap of calling him a useless orphan baby hippo or something. Airplane 3, The Semifinal Chapter: Pugh is nasty and hilarious. Fanny packs. Even The Rock couldn't make a fanny pack cool. Plus, they just remind me of naked Mideon. I like that he specifically chose the fat flight attendant, too. Dupree's combination of pure disdain and seventh-grade insults is also great. Yeah overall you guys are pretty hype. I can't tell you how nice it is to see storylines and kayfabe and things that make sense. Sort of. In the wrestling kind of way. Most of them are building towards something conclusive, too. I assume it'd be better with some grasp of the history, etc.

I was worried I'd have to go back to Great Khali's Cruiserweight Extravaganza fed for a second there. Jaysus.