It's better than my first promo.
Stop shitting on him.
We complain when new guys don't do anything then when they do you guys shit on him?
All the stuff Trance said is valid advice although he came across as a bit of an asshole.
Other than that, while this isn't great, you're new and you'll pick it up.
Take a look at the Riot show and have a look at how we do promos. But keep in mind that Riot is regarded as a show while this room would be for, say, out of hours interviews or you could encorporate some sort of press conerence where you get talking about OCW or whatever. Just be inventive.