Jack E Quinn

This is the episode where I challenge gentleman jack to a match to decide which one of us allowed to use that name ... that's right ... it's a jack-off

you've know i've only been booked like 3 times right? but i'll try to keep your notes in mind

You already know what it is ...

sham

Seriously ? Again ? Wtf

yeah but that is still pronounced "jack".

there is a bright bluish green blank screen and then a stylised logo that says "the Diamond Method" floats into the centre of the screen. shortly after, plain text underneath the logo fades in and reads "Lesson 1: D is for Confidence" Cut to DJQ is front of an obvious green screen once again. DJQ: If you're watching this, that means that you've taken the first step to realising your full potential... and that your payment has cleared... Congratulations! Cut to a shot of a crowd applauding (b-roll of a crowd to be exact and it looks about 20 years old too) DJQ: Thank you , thank you. the first thing you need to know about the Diamond method is that it has 7 parts to it. In lesson 1, we will delve deep into arguably the most important one of them all... Come on, lets go DJQ waves his arm in an inviting fashion and walks off screen Next shot we see is of a park and then DJQ walking into frame. DJQ looks into the camera and starts to speak but he is squinting as the sun is in his eyes DJQ: Well then, the first thing you need to know about the diamond method is that D... is for Confidence. That's right folks. The Diamond Method relies heavily on OH GOD DAMMIT DJQ looks visibly upset and puts his hand up to cover the sun. Jump cut to DJQ at the same park but facing the opposite direction and no longer squinting DJQ:... relies heavily on the concept of believing to achieve. While others might say you have to think you can, the Diamond Method states that you have to KNOW you can. Thanks why I've brought you to this park, in beautiful southern California, to show you the concept at work. Watch carefully DJQ walks off screen again Cut to DJQ standing with a 2 chicks at the park. one has her hand blocking the sun from her eyes, the other is were sunglasses. DJQ is standing opposite of them shuffling a deck of cards DJQ: Ladies, thank you for joining me. Would you care for a magic trick? both women reply in the affirmative DJQ: Fantastic. Now ladies, I'm going to need you to pick a card, any card and try very hard to not let me know what it is. Clear your mind and don't even think of the card that you picked. I'm even going to close my eyes. Can you do that for me? Lady 1: Sure Lady 2: Yeah DJQ stops shuffling the card and fans out the cards, turns his head and closes his eyes DJQ: OK OK, so after you've each chosen a card, pull it out, look at this and put it back in the deck. anywhere in the deck is fine. the chicks each pull out a card and look at it DJQ: Now if you could please show the card to the camera man before you put them back the two women show their cards. the 8 of hearts and king of clubs. they then put the cards back in the deck in a random spot. DJQ: Alright, great. Now ladies, I guess the only question left to ask is... do you believe in magic? DJQ opens his eyes and shuffles the deck as one of the women shrugs and the other nods her head. DJQ throw the deck of cards in a pot he had, lights a match and throws it in the pot as well. a big puff of smoke emerges from the pot and DJQ puts a lid on it. he then sets it down on the ground. DJQ: Now, I want you both to count to 3 and reach into your front pocket... you should feel a card on there... could you please pull them out the girls look confused followed by a mixture of shock and excitement as they each pull out a card from their pockets. girl 1 has the 6 of spades and girl 2 has 2 of hearts. the expression on the girls go from excitement to back to confusion DJQ: I think you'll find that THOSE are you cards. Lady 1: Uhhhmmm... no, this isn't it Lady 2: yeah, this wasn't my card either DJQ faces turns playfully serious DJQ: I think you'll find that those ARE in fact your cards Lady 2: No, its not DJQ: YES... it is Lady 2: Sorry, it's just not. DJQ get a crazed look in his eyes DJQ: Oh, but they are. Lady 1: On second thought... maybe this was my card Lady 2: *sigh*... yeah sure, whatever DJQ goes back to a more playful and jovial demeanor. he turns to the camera and the word "MAGIC" pops up on the screen DJQ: MAGIC! back to the green screen. Slow motion footage of the magic plays in a picture in picture on the upper left portion of the screen. DJQ: Did you guys see that? you see, I knew that i only had a 2 in 52 chance of making the correct card appear in their pockets, but in the end it didn't matter at all. I used my confidence to persuade them into thinking that I picked the right cards. You can use this same skill in just about any situation in life. That is the end of the first lesson, but before you move on to the next one, i want you to go out and master this skill. Go to to a store and try to pay with monopoly money, or go to a burger restaurant and order a pizza. Remember, at this point in your learning, don't always expect it work. the Diamond method takes practice and several payments to fully understand. See you next lesson screen fades to black

WRESTLER NAME: "The Diamond" Jack E Quinn (might change it though... too many jacks) HOMETOWN: Valhalla, Ca HEIGHT: 5'9" WEIGHT: 185 THEME SONG:https: //www.youtube.com/watch?v=TzZIbBMsSd0 (because "why not") SIGNATURE MOVES(S): Running Hurrancanrana, Ultimate Splash 1 (Low Fly Flow) FINISHERS(S): Avalanche Spanish Fly (Shiranui Kai) ACCOLADES: N/A Biography: Some say that he is a result of secret government experiments to create the perfect lover during the cold war and that when he has a 50/50 shot, the odds are 80/20 in his favour... All we know is he's called "The Diamond".

black and white b-roll of sad people is shown on screen. first shot is of a woman with her hand on a wall Voice Over: Things not going your way? second shot is of a man being frustrated in traffic Voice Over: feeling like the weight of the world is one your shoulder? third shot is of a woman trying to open a jar and being unsuccessful Voice Over: Want people to stop thinking of you as a failure? the words "The Diamond Method" flash on the screen in a giant stylised font Voice Over: Introducing the Diamond Method. cut to Diamond Jack E. Quinn in front of a fairly obvious green screen, complete with green outline around his body DJQ: Hi, I'm Diamond Jack E Quinn, Founder of the Diamond Method and by using the Diamond Method I have able to become the success I am today, and you can too. cut to b roll of DJQ reading a book with glasses, stroking his chin, looking as if he figured something out and this writing vigorously in a notepad DJQ Voice Over:For over 15 DAYS I have been gathering information and processing research in order bring you absolute most effective ways to go through your day to day lives and compiled all in my book. back to the green screen and DJQ is standing with a book with the words "The Diamond Method" Written on it DJQ:Think about it? if someone offered you all the answers to life's hardest questions, you'd have to be some kind of idiot to turn them down, right? cut to really tight close up of DJQ's face with a serious expression DJQ:you don't want people to think you're thick, do you? back to a wider camera shot of DJQ smiling DJQ:I thought so. Order my book today, and start living your life to the fullest or your money back, just pay for postage. What do you have to lose? super tight close up of DJQ's serious face again DJQ:Order now!

ive decided on my new gimmick. a giant narcissistic alcoholic vampire who is also an asshole. ill be over AF