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The Heather Angelo diss track


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We are inside Valkyrie’s apartment. She is pacing back and forth, while talking on the phone with someone via Facetime.




???: You look awful. Are you having trouble sleeping?


Valkyrie: Nah… don't worry.


???: It's this Kasstianity cult, isn't it? It's keeping you awake at night, I bet.


Valkyrie: Ye… Uhm, no, or course not.


???: You are a terrible liar.


Valkyrie: It's disturbing, alright. Take a look at OCW’s YouTube channel: every video with Kassidy Hayes in it always gets the most views.


Valkyrie: People are worshiping him. Quite literally, like he's a god or something. And Heather Angelo, the one I'm going to face at Summercide, she is one of his followers.


???: Speaking of Summercide, Aerith said at the press conference that, even though you completely murdered her on Riot 511, she is still the rightful #1 contender for some unknown reason, while you are not because of your “attitude”.


Valkyrie: What?


???: Yes, I know. It doesn’t make any sense. It’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.


Valkyrie: That’s one way of saying “I have a lifetime supply of championship opportunities simply because my fatass walking meme of a husband happens to be a Hall of Famer, while you never had and never will have one because you are on your own in OCW”


Valkyrie: Ops sorry, I almost turned heel again!


???: What?!


Valkyrie: Uhm I mean I turned my heel and I almost slipped… these Gucci flip flops, I swear…


???: What about the Heather Angelo diss track?


Valkyrie: Still working on it. I could really use a ghostwriter, though.


???: Well, the world is full of rappers. You’ll find someone who can help you.


Valkyrie: That's true! I'll make some phone calls tomorrow and see if I can find one.




Valkyrie makes those phone calls





???: What's up?


Valkyrie: Hello 6ix9ine. I'm writing a diss track on Heather Angelo and I could use your help.


Tekashi 6ix9ine: How did you get my number?


Valkyrie: It doesn't matter. Will you help me or not?


Tekashi 6ix9ine: Oh yeah sure. How long will the diss track be?


Valkyrie: 4 to 5 minutes… basically just how long Aerith lasts when she is booked against me


Tekashi 6ix9ine: Got it! Meet me at my studio tomorrow


Valkyrie (with Spodermen’s voice) : K.

Valkyrie dials the next number



???: Hello


Valkyrie: Yo Gucci is that you?


Gucci Mane: Yep, it's me. What's up Valk?


Valkyrie: Look I'm about to drop the best diss track ever but I need some dope ass rhymes…


Gucci Mane: Say no more. I'll help you. We are going to kill this track...


Valkyrie: Yeah just like I killed Aerith on Riot 511


Valkyrie dials the last number on her list



???: What's up?


Valkyrie: Lil Xan!



Lil Xan: Hello there Valk. How can I help you?


Valkyrie: Listen, I'm about to release the best song in the history of music and obviously I'm going to need you to help me with the lyrics…


Lil Xan: You mean the Heather Angelo diss track?


Valkyrie: Yep


Lil Xan: Hell yeah we are going to sell 98472648492745 billions of copies


Valkyrie: That's the plan. Meet us at 6ix9ine’s studio tomorrow


Lil Xan (with Spodermen's voice) : k.




The scene opens in 6ix9ine’s personal recording studio


Valkyrie: Ok guys I think we nailed it…


Tekashi 6ix9ine: Are you ready to record it?


Valkyrie: Yeah! Let's do it!


Lil Xan: Everyone, get ready


They all turn on their headphones, as Valkyrie approaches the microphone...



I know people get religious when they start bleeding

They say "Kass, please help me!" 'cause their ass is leaking


When you mess with a Valkyrie, you know it's killing season

Cleansing the world from Kasstianity, that's a good enough reason


Heather calls herself the Harbinger of Death,

But she looks like a skank who’s about to OD on meth


You think Kasstianity will save you

But all they did was enslave you


Now, I know Kass is your new daddy

You two like to play with 'cuffs and chains

But there's something you are both missing

And that's a pair of brains


I got my back against the wind, I'm down to ride till the sun burn out

If I die on Sunday, I'm happy how my career turned out


See, every beef I have been in, I was by myself

Handicap match against ShowBlitz, by myself

Against an entire religious cult, still by myself

I am the One Bubba Army, bitch, I never asked for help


Go ahead, convert all the chumps who live in your 'hood

But getting hit with the Angel's Grace won't do you no good



At Summercide I'll show you the definition of pain

If you survive, your bones will still freaking hurt when it rains


I paint this track so perfect, call me Michelangelo

I lyrically murdered a bitch, her name was Heather Angelo



Everyone applauds as soon as Valkyrie is done recording.


Gucci Mane: That was lit!


Valkyrie: I agree, but wasn't it a little bit too..."aggressive"?


6ix9ine: That's how diss tracks work, baby. The can be lethal weapons if you know how to do them properly!


Valkyrie: Well, at least I can say I had three of the best rappers alive here to help me ghostwriting. I can't wait to see how people will react to it









Lil Xan: Yo Valk, wake up!


Valkyrie was sleeping on the couch of the recording studio, when Lil Xan woke her up with a light pat on her shoulder


Lil Xan: It's time to see how many views our diss track got overnight


Valkyrie: Let's see…


Lil Xan: It says 73515385928163859271636492836615363884997716362661537499177263710940736622 billions of views!


Valkyrie: Woah! That's a lot of views!


Lil Xan: Well, it is the best song ever so it's kinda understandable


Valkyrie nods


Valkyrie: It really is. I don't know how to thank you. We did it again!

Lil Xan and Valkyrie dab together as the scene fades to black

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