Cort Marshall

Good start, nice to see a rookie starting out as a face. Let's hope you live up to the promise of not leaving! :p

Any reasonable man carries latex gloves with him at all times. You know, in case of... accidents...

His head grew 4 sizes that day

That moose story is the funniest shit I've seen on this site. It's like a Monty Python skit.

Now obviously the english ain't perfect, but there's not much you can do about that obviously. It's fairly easy to understand so it's fine. Character suggestions, I'd say going evil heel is gonna be hard to do in OCW, especially as a rookie. Getting dumped in 15 seconds is gonna give you more sympathy than anything--if you wanna be a malicious sort you'll have to get it over in promos cause you likely won't be grabbing dominant victories in your first few matches. Hard to play sadistic Randy Orton while you're getting pinned by dudes with cartoon gimmicks. Not saying you can't do it, just that it'll be very hard. Could maybe just be more of a mysterious neutral character, I dunno. Good luck brother brother.

We’re back in the interview room with Cort Marshall and his tag team partner in crime, Christian Shepherd. They’re joined by OCW interviewer extraordinaire, Jim Black. Jim: Well gentlemen, one of you is fresh off Rumblegrounds and the both of you will be heading for a title match on the very first show of the upcoming season. Tell me, what is going through your heads? Cort: Who ever thought lasting ten minutes would be impressive, Jim? Jim (laughing): I’m not sure I should answer that. Cort smiles and turns to the camera. Cort: New season, new me! I’m back from the orient--am I allowed to call it that? Jim opens his mouth but Cort keeps talking. Cort: Well I’m gonna call it that anyway! I’m back from the orient and I feel like a new man! I was taught the secrets of martial combat! I walked over burning coals! I smashed brick with my bare hands! I found out what “medical attention” means in a hidden temple in the woods! Spoiler alert, I missed exorbitantly priced American hospitals. But what really matters is that I’m in better shape than I’ve ever been, and I’ve got a few new tricks up my sleeve that you’re just gonna have to wait to see. Jim: That may be, but what about Rumblegrounds? Cort: Rumblegrounds, I came in at number THREE! People thought it was impossible. Nobody can win from that early! He pauses. Cort: Well they were right. But I sure didn’t do a bad job in there! Left hook, right jab, suplex here, biiiig back body drop there, and it’s all over but for cryin’. Our movie star Justin Jehst got me in the end, but I don’t sweat it. He needs a boost after all that Thomas Archer business. I hope my man Justin beats some sense into his oligarch ass but I can’t be distracted by ANYTHING in OCW… because the next season is coming to a head, and the mega powerful force of Christian Shepherd and yours truly, Cort Marshall, are gonna reclaim those tag team championship titles. Jim: Well I hate to say this, but you’ve lost both matches so far against the team of CQC. What do you hope to do differently the third time around? Shep: I’ll give you the first match, Jim, but the second… let’s just say there was a bit of controversy about the whole thing. We knew how bad they wanted the titles, we just didn’t know the lengths they’d go to. At some points it felt more like a four man brawl than a tag team match. In the end, when the dust settled, we came up short again. It is what it is. In the end, you’ve just gotta suck it up, brush yourself off and get right back up. When the time of the anniversary show comes, I’m not gonna bring out some tibetan kung fu. I’m just gonna be laser-focused on doing what I do best. Cort: What he said! From Tennessee to shining sea, the real Americans who supported us all along will see the glow of that beautiful gold hoisted over the ring by the one and only most AMERICAN tag team in OCW… AWOL! Jim: Thank you gentlemen, OCW will return for Season 14 with what is sure to be quite the event!

[PREVIOUSLY RECORDED] We see a plane, flying over the ocean. The shot continues for a few seconds, before switching to an interior view, showing a beleaguered and disheveled Cort Marshall. He’s nodding off, and his head droops over, landing on his seatmate’s voluminous shoulder. The seatmate is a strikingly obese woman with the requisite obese woman ponytail, and she recoils in horror as Cort’s head hits her shoulder, waking him up in the process. Lady: Disgusting! Ex-CUSE me!!! Cort: Wha… what? Lady: Keep to your own seat! Cort, in no mood for sass, retorts. Cort: It’d be easier if you didn’t take up most of mine yourself, Unicron. Her face becomes beet red, and her voice increases an octave and a few decibels. Lady: EXCUSE ME!? Cort: Yes, excuse you. Exactly. The lady hails a stewardess. Lady: Stewardess. Excuse me, STEWARDESS! She leans over Cort to talk to the stewardess, and he groans as he gets a face full of bingo wing. Lady: This man is a public nuisance, could you remove him? The stewardess, face plastered with the fake smile of anyone whose job requires them to deal with the most fucking annoying people in the world on a daily basis, politely shakes her head. Stewardess: I’m afraid not ma’am, seats are full and he’s a priority passenger. Lady: Priority!? I’m a mother of five! How am I not a priority! Cort mumbles from underneath her: Cort: Same priority as using condoms. The lady elbows him in the chest, and Cort gasps in pain. The stewardess tries to intervene, but the Big Red Machine will not be stopped. She rises out of her seat and starts screaming bloody murder, tossing stuff out of her purse at the stewardess. A few more employees arrive and restrain her, pulling her into the aisle and off camera. After they’re all gone, Cort grins and shifts in his seat, laying sideways and planting his feet onto his seatmate’s former position. Cort: Miracles do happen. He proceeds to fall asleep, resting up for RUMBLEGROUNDS! --- Later, we’re backstage at the Rumblegrounds PPV, and we see B17 sitting on a bench after his match with Thomas Archer, mulling over the loss. Suddenly, Cort Marshall arrives onscreen. B17 looks up. Cort looks down. They stare at each other for a second. Cort: So. You’re back from the videoverse. B17: And you’re back from training. Did you learn anything? Cort: Sure did. But a lot of it was forbidden from broadcasting on TV. Which I’m fine with. Just means I now have… a secret weapon. B17 cocks his fist and smiles. Cort: And a few bruises in weird places. B17: It happens! You should see the one on the inside of my-- He’s interrupted by a voice from offscreen. ???: Hey, hey, hey! Where WERE you? Both men turn to see Christian Shepherd, gesturing at Cort, who casually shrugs. Cort: Tibet. Shep: TIBET? You went to Tibet. Without telling me. Then you come back 5 minutes before your match, without telling me. You know how I found out you were here? A fuckin road agent. A road agent! Instead of calling me up and saying, “Hey, the guy you’re challenging for the titles with next season hasn’t died from an exotic STD,” you run over here and gladhand with gay Lex Luthor. Christ! Cort and B17 are shocked by the outburst. Cort: I dunno what to tell you, man, I forgot. B17: Who’s Lex Luthor? Shep shakes his head. Shep: Sometimes I have no idea how you live without professional help. Then we hear Cort’s music hit for the rumble. Cort: Oh, shit! He looks back and forth between B17 and Shepherd. Cort: We’ll, uh, resolve this later? Gotta split! America needs me! This leaves Shepherd and B17 in the room. B17: Hey, don’t look at me. I just gave him advice while trapped inside of a videotape. Shep: … What?

I never thought I'd miss a Kevin Dunn expy so much. Good stuff.

This is stupid but I'm invested.

Cort here with the uber late writeup cause I forgot I didn’t actually comment on this or read the RPs, just watch the tail end of the stream. Whoops! - Pre-show: Strong promo showing all around, except maybe Coolidge (KD), who has that Rickey-esque aversion to grammar. Stunning turn by CJ, and he was such a good babyface too… - Ashley Moore could work on grammar like KD but good to see you still doing promos. - Jehst remains a very likable babyface, but poor guy can’t catch a break as well as he can catch a beating. - Short but sweet promo by jackmo… ya fucker - Great promo by H2O and Valk, with H2O being almost annoying but likeable with a corny handshake as well. Furthers Heather’s turn to the DAWK SOIDE. I see that Bret reference you’re droppin, harvey. - Dupree/Mugen RP was very funny, so was commentary shitting their pants. OCW really does do things before real feds do, as mere weeks after Summercide, Vampiro farted loud enough to be heard on mic at Triplemania. Classy motherfucker. - Just me or does KD only walk back like half the distance that everyone else does for a reset sometimes? Regardless congrats. - Refs are bad cause we don’t pay them - Commentary on fire tonight with SCOTTY STEINER references - Great stuff by Wrex and Fury, one of Jamie’s 800 alts that are all fairly active. RIP rookie… he did a good promo too, even though he didn’t exist. Also how can wrex say he’s a face on the discord, he’s superkicking people out of their own airtime. - Short but funny RP by Flojo. I recall you bein’ like *ah I guess I’ll promo,* and that ain’t how you gotta be. You gotta be in there like a finger in the bum. You have a unique look and had a meme push, now climb back up. - So there's a smart Quartz too huh. Like professor Hulk. Good RP as usual. - Good stuff with Jackman, he and Jehst are the underappreciated rooks promo wise I think. Jackman’s got a unique character who isn’t too hurt by losses as he remains a sleazy creepy weirdo even when he takes a pin. Then B17 with the only 80’s movie promo I’ve liked so far since it’s actually edited together as speech, modern bumblebee with his radio voice style. Jackman vs Bald Mayonnaise Man for next season! - Must be hard writing solo promos for a char who doesn’t speak. - Oh shit, Valk’s been drugged by kasstians! Live… on camera… where are the police!? Worzel, get your ass in here! - Austin a textbook heel as ever. - I can see future promos with Archer executive meddling in Jehst’s movies… imagine… forcing a man to star in Dragonball Evolution. - Emotional writing by Austin, showing that despite his shitty attitude towards the title up to now, he does care about it. Makes them both look good. Eyes are on Trance next season to see if he can keep dat strap!* *Do not fucking reply to me saying BELTS R 4 PANTS, STRAPS R 4 BEATING KIDS, IT'S A TITLE. I hate that shit. This is an efed, nothing means nothing! Overall great show lads and ladies (do we have more than one?). I eagerly await the next season, and dread remaking my fuckin CAW. Oh yeah and thanks to Quartz for taking the time to edit out the lag in our match despite how it may have ended. I know I'd lack the patience to look for every single pause for connection... there were a lot.

Someone in OCW went to prison and actually got released instead of orchestrating a complicated breakout involving naked people?

The car idles at the end of a secluded forest road. Tsewang: We can go no further. From here, on foot. Cort extricates himself from the car, groaning and massaging his back. Cort: Doesn’t ride like a Mercedes, that’s for sure. His partner in literal crime turns to him and motions with his hand for Cort to follow. He does so, and they proceed into the deep forest. An hour later, Cort slaps a bug off of his shoulder, sweating profusely. Cort: I hate to ruin this wonderful family vacation with an overused trope… but are we there yet!? Tsewang: Not even close. Cort grumbles but continues on as night falls over the near-jungle they find themselves in. Another few hours and Cort is still staggering through the foliage, slapping branches away like a fat man slaps away his doctor’s warnings about eating Chik-fil-A for lunch every day. Tsewang is much less put-upon, clearly used to making these difficult treks. He motions for Cort up ahead. Tsewang: We’re close. A few more meters and the jungle suddenly opens up, revealing a large complex of buildings. It’s too dark to really see any details. Teswang: Welcome to the monastery. Our stronghold. I will bring you to rest… you can train in the morning. ~~~~ The sun rises over an unknown region of Tibet, lancing through a window to awaken the sleeping #Murrican, Cort Marshall. He groans, but it’s no use; he has to get up eventually. So, he does. Unfortunately, moving brings all the bruises that set in during the night to life. Cort: Oof. What a vacation. Mulling over his choices a bit, he eventually decides to fully get up and explore the place he’s found himself in. The hallways are quite simple, barren even; just worn and dirty stone, or old wood with faded paint. Here and there, though, you can see colourful tapestries or rugs that indicate this place was once much better appointed. Men and women dressed the same as Tsewang pass by, nodding politely at their… now quite smelly houseguest. The courtyard is where the real action is. Thirty or more of the disciples are arranged around the grounds, doing exercises, sparring--unarmed and with weapons--or standing silent, perhaps in prayer. Though large in number, the inhabitants are dwarfed by the buildings around them; in daylight, the true size of the monastery is revealed. As Cort stares, one of the robed men approach him. ???: Impressive, no? Cort looks at his new conversation partner. Cort: It is. The man stares into the middle distance, fondling his rather stereotypical stringy moustache. ???: It was once the greatest temple in all Tibet… but the people were driven away, and it was forgotten. Now, we, like our ancestors, have been driven away from where we practiced. Into hiding, in the place where we first began. Full circle. Like many things. Cort takes a second look at the man, seeing a resemblance… something about the head. Remove the mustache and... Cort: Hold on a second. You look a lot like B17. ???: Ahh, B17. He was a good student. Nice and resilient. If you know what I mean. Cort: I hope I don’t. But that means you’re... ???: Yes! Master Big Head Gay Man, most sought-after martial arts teacher in all of Tibet. Cort: Uh-huh. Listen, I gotta ask about the name. BHGM: What about it? It was my father’s name, and my father’s mother’s name before that. And before that, my father's mother's sister's dog. Cort: Your father’s… mother’s… nevermind. How are people supposed to find you out here? BHGM: It was not always like this. I was a public figure! Music videos, talk shows, branded merchandise, exercise tapes, the whole shebang! But then… the government came down on us like a you-know-what into a you-know-where. Suddenly my students were being told, in no uncertain terms, that my teachings were FORBIDDEN! And I myself was on the run. Cort: Why would they do that? BHGM: I suspect the government had been infiltrated. Cort: Infiltrated? By reptilians!? BHGM shakes his head. BHGM: No, silly American, reptilians don’t exist. By the scourge that is Kasstianity! Cort: But that’s just a weird cult made up by an egotistical wrestler, there’s no way a pro wrestler could POSSIBLY have influence in government. Cort stares at the camera like in The Office. BHGM: That is what they want you to think, my friend. The truth is, Kasstianity is more dangerous than anyone can imagine. It must be stopped, or else the world will be in peril! Wrestling games will be good again! Cities will sink into the ocean, and giant scorpions will arise from the depths! Trump will get another term! Cats and dogs living together, total anarchy! Cort: You’re telling me the future of humanity is doomed to giant undersea scorpions because a guy does a good rassle. BHGM: Yes. That’s pretty much it. Cort: First of all, I don’t believe you. Secondly, is this something I can really solve by punching? BHGM wags a finger. BHGM: Maybe, maybe not! That is why you are here, no? Cort nods. BHGM looks him up and down before doing a full circle around Cort, poking here and pinching there. Cort: What on earth are you doing. BHGM: Measuring girth. Cort: Hwhat? BHGM: … of your spiritual energy. Chi. Cort: Okay, fine. How does my spiritual gas tank read. BHGM: Meh. Not good, not bad. Midcard at best. Cort winces. BHGM: But I may still have something to teach you. A weapon, in the fight against injustice. But training will not be easy. You must accept that you will have to stay here until you have truly learned the ways! And you will not contact your lawyers after the fact. Cort: I can’t afford lawyers. BHGM: Then welcome to the dojo!

Good promo as always, Jehstin. I like how his character is half good guy half a bit of a pushy wanker.

The posters in question

Nice vid Jay! Unfortunately I do not subscribe to mayonnaise haters.

We return to Tibet--or somewhere in the area, now that Cort Marshall has been captured for speaking the name of a political dissident and martial arts master, “Big Head Gay Man.” The shot is of the truck as it pulls up to the gate of what looks like a prison complex and stops. Two guards speak to the driver of truck before opening the gate, and the truck rolls forwards to stop a few meters ahead. The guards approach the back of the truck and open the doors. Cort squints as he sees daylight for the first time in hours. The guards enter the truck and bark orders at the two of them; Cort doesn’t understand a word of it, but his fellow captive nods demurely. He motions at Cort to stand up, doing so himself. They’re both grabbed by a guard and walked towards the open end of the truck, until the prisoner shouts: Prisoner: Now! He kicks his guard in the nuts and pokes him in the eyes, revealing that he’s escaped the handcuffs. The guard stumbles back and reaches for his weapon, but he receives a spinning kick to the side of the head and slumps to the floor. Cort was a bit slower to react, and he tussles with his guard around the back of the truck, trading blows. Cort wins in the end, grabbing his head and slamming it against the side of the truck’s box, which sends a reverberating “donnngg” noise through the truck. Cort and the prisoner look at each other. Cort smiles incredulously. Prisoner: Not bad, American male! But we must hurry! They rush out of the back of the truck and up to the driver’s door, which was just beginning to open, the driver having heard the noise coming from the back. Cort grabs the driver as he gets out and lays him out on the concrete with a perfect plex! Cort: I’ll drive! He hops up into the driver’s seat and his fellow escapee slides in opposite. Cort: Let’s see here… manual trans, seems pretty simple to me… He throws the truck into reverse with an authoritative CLUNK from the ancient, trusty gearbox. Cort: Mama, I’m comin’ home! Chirping the rubber, he reverses the truck full speed into the gate, smashing it open. An alarm is raised as guards pour out of the building and towards their cars to make chase. Cort: Baby, don’t let me down now. Still reversing, he rolls the wheel to the left a little, then violently to the right. A classic J-turn--or at least it would be, if it wasn’t such a top-heavy vehicle. It lurches up onto two wheels, very nearly tipping over before completing the spin. The violent movement deposits the two unconscious guards into the road in front of the gate, and the pursuing cars screech to a halt to avoid hitting their comrades. Cort whoops in joy. Cort: Jim Rockford, I love you! His joy is quickly replaced by worry as the road has been cleared and the cars begin to give chase. Cort: Go, go, go, you big fat sunuvabitch! Cort yells, giving the box truck full throttle. Its engine groans at the unintended use and the exhaust belches smoke, but acceleration remains mostly unchanged. Cort: Oh, to have my monster truck now. The prisoner is leaning out the window to look at their pursuers--two black sedans--but pulls his head back as a gunshot cracks through the air. Prisoner: No good. They have guns! In worse news, one of the cars has pulled up to the left of the truck on the narrow road. One of its occupants leans out the window, spraying shots into the side of the truck as both men duck. Cort jerks the wheel to the left, smashing into the side of the car. Metal crunches metal and the car’s steering locks up, sending it into the bush off of the road. Cort: One down… The next car follows behind, taking potshots at the truck’s wheels. One hits, and the truck starts to bounce as the tire loses air. Cort: Shhhit. Prisoner: Need new car huh? Cort nods. Prisoner: No worry. The prisoner opens the truck’s door and clambers up onto the roof while Cort stares in a mixture of fear and amazement. The camera switches from an in-cab view to a wide helicopter shot, with the prisoner making his way across the top of the bucking box truck. Somehow he keeps his balance, reaching the rear edge. One of the men in the car leans out the window to shoot, but not quite in time--the strange disciple has taken flight, angling a dropkick right through the car’s front window, Jackie Chan style. The glass shatters and the occupants are disoriented, each being thrown out of the car by the prisoner. Cort, meanwhile, can only stare into the mirror as all this is going on. Cort: What do they FEED people here??? Soon, the prisoner has the car alongside the truck, motioning for Cort to jump. Prisoner: You bettah hurry, they not happy! His point is punctuated by a few pops of gunfire from the now-stranded guards. Cort gulps, opening the door and eyeing the distance ruefully. Cort: I’m gettin’ too old for this shit. He jumps, managing to grab the B pillar of the car and hang on as it drives off, leaving the crippled box truck to come to a shaking, indignant halt. Cort scrambles in through the window, being dumped head first into the front seat--which is covered in glass. Cort: Ow! Ow! Fuck! Balls! The prisoner laughs. Prisoner: You have many good words in english friend. Cort manages to contort himself around and back to an upright position, and picks a piece of glass out of his head before flicking it out the now-open windshield. Cort: Okay, what now? Prisoner: What you mean, what now? Cort: I mean, do you know where we are? Do you know where we’re going? Do you know why ANY OF THIS IS HAPPENING? The prisoner laughs again. Prisoner: Answers come with time. By the way, my name is Tsewang. Cort: Nice to meet you, uhm…. Say Wang.

Cort awakens on a cold concrete floor, behind bars. Water drips from the ceiling occasionally, the only sound other than the buzz of an electric light. Cort: Wh… where am I? From outside the cell, muffled conversation can be heard. It’s in Chinese, but it’s subtitled for the viewer’s convenience! But not Cort’s. Cort is VERY inconvenienced. V1: (He’s awake…) V2: (Ugh, bad timing. Transport is here.) V1: (Nothing we can do about it.) The door to the room opens and the owners of the voices are revealed as two policemen, or some other kind of authority. Clad in black uniforms and armed with a pistol and a nightstick, they’re an intimidating sight to the confused and fearful Cort. Cort: Who are you? I have rights! I demand a lawyer! I’m an American citizen! Police 1: (He’s a loud one, huh.) One of the men unlocks the door and cracks the nightstick across Cort’s face. Police 1: (You, shut up.) The men handcuff him and walk him out of the cell, into the building proper. It seems to be just a shed, without much in the way of creature comforts. They bring him outside and into the back of a box truck, throwing him inside and slamming the door before he can get his bearings. The engine rumbles to life and the truck begins to move, bouncing over what seems to be a very rough road. As he regains his bearings, he’s greeted by another man in the truck, handcuffed like Cort. He seems to be a local, wearing a robe smeared in dirt and what looks like dried blood. Prisoner: (What did they get you for?) Cort just shakes his head and mumbles. Cort: Don’t speak the language… His fellow prisoner tries again, this time in slightly broken English. Prisoner: Aah. Why you here? Cort groans and sits still for a few moments before responding. Cort: No idea… I was just looking for some kung-fu guy. Prisoner: Big coincidence. Would not happen to be… Master Big Head Gay Man? Cort: Yeah, that’s the one. You know him? The prisoner smiles. Prisoner: I am disciple. He teaches freedom in many ways. They try and suppress… China and Tibet, same story always. Prisoner: You help me escape, I help you find him. If you are worthy… we shall see. Cort: You got a plan? Prisoner: Maybe. You come here, help uncuff me. Cort wiggles over to him as the camera fades out.

A plane cruises past snowy peaks and down into the lush, green Yarlung Xangbo river valley. We see it land and taxi down the runway before switching to a view of the inside of Nyingchi Mainling airport. The passengers, a mix of locals and tourists, disperse, with most of them seeming to know where they’re going. Except for one, a taller caucasian with an American flag t-shirt and a bald head… He looks around a bit before taking a small, blocky device out of his pocket and squinting at it. After a few moments he nods, then walks over to the help desk and speaks to the attendant. Att: Good morning sir! Do you require assistance? She speaks perfect english, clearly used to the tourists who come through the area looking for historical sites and so on. Cort: Yeah, I was looking for a specific… person. Att: Were they supposed to meet you here? Cort scratches his head. Cort: No, but I was told they were somewhat of a local legend, and people should know them. Here. He proffers the palmpilot, the grayscale screen showing the name B-17 gave him while in the movie. It’s in Chinese text, but the English translation below it reads “Big Head Gay Man.” Att: No, I’m afraid not. Though I warn you to be careful with that sort of talk. This is not America, after all… Cort looks at her quizzically but shrugs and walks off, sliding the palmpilot back into his jeans. Unbeknownst to him, she reaches under the desk with a delicate hand and presses a red button. Outside, Cort asks a few people if they know of the man. Some laugh, some say they don’t, but a few get shifty-eyed and excuse themselves. With nothing else to go on, Cort looks for a cab to take him down to the nearest town, Duokacun. One opens its door and the driver beckons. Driver: In here, sir! Cort obliges, hopping in the backseat and dragging his duffel bag with him. The driver turns to face him. Driver: So, I heard you’ve been asking some questions... Cort opens his mouth to respond but a hand with a rag covers it. He struggles, but the chloroform is quick to take effect, and the video fades to black.

The scene is set with Cort Marshall, depressed after his losses at Summercide, eating a full bucket of ice cream and getting ready to watch a movie. Cort: Kung Pow, Enter the Fist is sure to cheer me up! He slides the VHS out of its well-worn sleeve and plops it in the machine, savoring the satisfying CLUNK as it settles in. The movie starts, a movie he’s watched a thousand times. He’s at the part where the Chosen One faces off against Wimp Lo--but Wimp Lo looks a little different. Pastier. More flamboyant. Bigger head. Cort wonders, for a moment, if he accidentally rented a pointless remaster. But George Lucas didn’t direct this movie… curious. Master: I must apologize for Wimp Lo. He is an idiot. We have purposely trained him wrong, as a joke. Then, Wimp Lo turns to the camera. Wimp: You! Fellow bald American! Cort: What? That’s not in the script. Wimp: I know it isn’t! Cort gawps at the screen. Cort: How--who--what--when-- Wimp puts a finger to his lips and shushes Cort, as the rest of the scene plays as normal. Wimp: Calm yourself, my overly-patriotic friend. It’s me, B-17! Cort: But… how are you in the movie? B-Lo narrows his eyes: Have you not seen the shows within the shows showing me in the shows? Cort: Not all of them, no. I’ve been busy, okay! B-Lo: Well, I’m trapped… in the vaporwave world. I am still trying to escape. But while inside this dimension of old movies and neon palm trees and floating macintoshes, I saw Soooomercide. Cort: Ugh. B-Lo: I know. But do not give up, my able-bootied friend. You must seek enlightenment to grow stronger. You must relax your thighs… clear your mind… open your legs… Cort: Listen, I don’t care how you got in there and I can’t get you out. But can you please stop making weird sexual innuendo and let me watch the movie? B-Lo: You listen, Cort-son! You want to win, yes? Cort: I do. B-Lo: Then you must get stronger. You must master the ways of the punch. Sting like a butterfly, float like a bee. Cort: I don’t think that quote is right. B-Lo: That is your problem! Too much thinking, not enough DOING. Like an ant that just runs around on a roadway, not knowing where it is going. If it just walked straight, it would be safe! But it zigs and zags until someone in a big monster truck crushes it… Cort: Enough with the philosophy. How do you propose I get stronger? B-Lo: Deep in the mountains of Tibet, there is a man I learned many things from. He transmitted to me many techniques, among… other things. Learn from him, if you can prove yourself worthy. Make your way to Tibet; go alone. When you arrive, ask about the legend of 大头同性恋男子. Cort: The legend of whahawaha ha ma ha? B-Lo: Use google translate. You’ll figure it out. For now, I must go. Good luck, find the crack of deep power! Plum it's depth, and curl like Schwarzenbingo. With that, B-Lo flexes his pythons while shuffling offscreen, leaving Cort befuddled. Cort: Maybe I really do need to make a change… how much are plane tickets? He slides his Palmpilot Palm VII™ out of his pocket, and begins to type.

OCW.com EXCLUSIVE! The scene is set in a room somewhere in the Sensational Offices of OCW’s grand poobah, Mr. Sensation. Cort Marshall and Jackson Montgomery are seated at opposite ends of a table, with Sensation between them, facing the camera. Sensation: You’ll be signing these contracts to acknowledge you recognize the dangerous nature of the event. We’ll have a safety crew at the lot, but put two guys in monster trucks on top of a parking garage and something bad could always happen. Cort and Jackmo both nod. Sensation: After that’s done with, you’ll have the proper in-ring match at Summercide. Normal rules apply: count-outs, rope-breaks… He looks pointedly at Cort. Sensation: … disqualifications and all. Now if you agree, please sign here, here and here… He hands papers to both men, who sign them quickly. Sensation: Oh, and you better be grateful we make shittons of money so we can afford to pay for concrete repairs wherever one of you hits the ground. Either of you have anything to say? JackMo stands up. JackMo: WHATCHA GONNA DO BROT… Sensation holds up his hand: Stop. JackMo adjusts: Just make sure the building is ready and I’ll do my part to make sure there is only ONE TRUE AMERICAN left at the end of the night! There’s not enough space in this room, on that roof, in the OCW for two of us. Time to PROVE why I have the FI breifcase (Jackson looks down at the ground), which I don’t have again. DAMNIT! I’ll be there Cort! Make sure your “truck” is ready. Cort: Like any American vehicle, all it needs is gas and good wishes. So get ready to say your prayers, eat your vitamins, and fall off the edge of a building... brother. Cort salutes and the camera fades out.

Be as salty as you want, Rusty Quartz! I got my podcast in so feck yoooooouuuuuuuuu! At Summercide the Cortster's gonna drop that big leg and grab the W, BROTHER!

Hard -er brother!

The small dawg!

Call a move the WG3?

Alright so maybe I'm a li'l late on here. Just a li'l. It's 'cause I've been so busy being a productive member of society and helping the homeless and... yeah I'm just a lazy hoe. Anyway, Turmoil rev-yoo! Dragana's mouthpiece, who as far as I can tell is not an actual officer of the LAW! Gets in Aerith's face. Jahnny, Jahnny, you should know naht to do that, Jahnny. Ashley pulls a face move and helps Quinn up. I have noticed these two seem to vacillate between alignments, like a lot of the less defined rooks. If I recall right, Moore was an arrogant valley girl, and Quinn was a shit-talker? Feels like the women's division is full of mean girls. Also the line "There are many fighters here who cause trouble." sounds like a Japanese game translation, tbh. Just a liiittle stilted. Archer is an annoying cunt, just as expected. I hope Drago gifts him an ornery ocelot who likes to urinate on things... I like how Flojo goes from likeable if autistic weaboo to FUCK YOU, BETCH in seconds. See what I mean about mean girls? Seems he's settling into the character better. Stixxx as always talks the mundo garboni, let's see if she can put up or if Flojo will shut her up! Celtic Dragons and Code Terror with a great promo here, still putting over the box stipulation. This is the kind of classic wrestling shit I just eat up, where wrestlers would go around after losing a hair-vs-hair match like it was the greatest shame a man could suffer. By god, I've been Beefcaked! Kill me now, Gene! Kill me! A cool stipulation introduced, too, with a singles match between mystery competitors for the right to choose a stipulation for the PPV! I guess that means I'm not doing an EXTREME RULEZ tag anytime soon. Valk with more build back to her return. Better watch them painkillers, champ, it'd be a shame for you to end up fat and wacked out on somas. Resident Evil is NOT a valid medical training course. Though... green herb does help. Just ask RVD. Oh shit! Bray and Ace attack CJ! Why, Bray, why! He's not employed by EA! Don't do this! The man has a family! Some of them illegitimate but a FAMILY! Archer and Austin pussy out. Good, classic heel work. And they can actually back it up in-ring, too, so they're not Rick Martel/Honky Tonk man kind of escapist fall guys. They CAN do it the hard way, they just don't want to. Cause they got NO RESPECT. Jehst makes me feel guilty cause he reviews everything, like if a sparrow farts in OCW he'll make it look good. But I missed his whole... dramatic hollywood action movie debut 'cause I was just kinda cruising without watching at that time. But his promos are very solid, and I like his flamboyant camera-hogging self-absorbed metrosexual gimmick. Dunno about that Hollywood Mauler name, though. he's not a full heel, since he seems to be courting the admiration of the fans... but he's not very humble either! Good character by another star rookie. Random match note: I like how Stixx's kick transitions into that crouching signature. Though it might be counted as a ground move... O'Donnell is gonna kick Bray in the Dragon Balls. Looking forward to this confrontation, as long as Bray don't retire to go yell at anime again! Hilarious, fantastic RP for B-17. I'm kinda pissed cause I thought our tag promos were gonna walk away with funniest shit that night but here comes Captain redemption, Flair-ing all over the nursing staff with sudden nakedness and penis-grabbing. Also his hair is the source of his power? Or was it a wig? Or did they just think it was a wig and tear off his scalp like some kind of fucking animals? How weird does his big-ass cranium look with no hair? Like a bald Jimmy Neutron? Also since when does Mugen know how to be a doctor? Did he have to save a jobber's life lest he be charged for killing a man in the ring? Wrex and Fury with a rare for OCW convincing serious promo. I really like how Fury intersperses his english with... spanish? I'm not a language guy. Anyway I can just hear how disdainfully he addresses the crowd. Scumciety is a great tag team name as well, and they look like a real team instead of two CAWs. Just have an aura of badass on them. And we have an impromptu main event with SIG HEIL VOLKSVAGEN JA JA Wrex vs. Ricky "The Liability" Ragnarath. Not a match guy but the shit that goes on in this one goes a long way to show why Ricky is over despite not promo-ing for shit. Something crazy always happens. Wrex dishes it out confidently as usual, but sometimes you just take a leg drop to the back of the neck. VERY HEEL finisher steal and win by Wrexington Gassem III. And we close out with the only competent GM in wrestling history besides maybe Bullet Bob Armstrong, Malu, as he vows that Archer and Trance won't get away with their BS for long... Good show lads. Didn't watch all or most of the matches, but y'all know I'm an RP guy.