I wrote waaay too much. Time to flake.
“CALL ME ISHMAEL” is scrawled in pearl white lettering on the front of a run-down house. Wooden planks are nailed to the windows from the inside. Three unrepairable refrigerators stand erect on the front lawn, like the pillars at the Parthenon. There’s even an old porcelain throne that lay on its side, greeting all unwelcomed guests with a simple message painted onto the top. “NO ENTR”.
Walking up the broken concrete pathway is a young, sharply dressed black man. Wing-tipped shoes, well-kempt jacket, white dress shirt and a silken purple tie around his neck. The windy weather blew several cake wrappers and White Castle burger sleeves across his feet. Avoiding the broken tiles and the rats scurrying across the land, the man makes it to house’s front door.
The door itself pale, with multiple blemishes staining the exterior. The hinges are rusted, struggling to keep the door hanging onto its frame. The young man lifts up his right hand, and knocks on the door. Nothing. He knocks a second time, hoping for someone to be home, especially considering he’s in fancy dress in a decaying neighborhood. Still no answer. The young man attempts to knock once more, but before his closed fist reaches the door; he hears a motorized buzzing.
The buzzing gets closer and closer to the door, as well as large thumping noises, as if someone is drunkenly walking into walls. The young man had no idea what was coming, but he wishes he had just stayed home. The doorknob turns, and the door opens. Immediately, the gusts of wind from outside mix with the stench of stale Doritos, sweat and hot iron. The young man’s face twists and contorts, as he quickly masks his face with his hands, attempting to block the smell from entering his airways. From the darkness of a disgusting dump of a home emerges one man. In his full glory, it’s the Equinox of Elephantitis, Aries. Wearing a sweat stained ashen wife beater tank top, food stained blue jean shorts and flip flops. Carrying the mighty legend, was the myth. The all-powerful Rascal scooter. The Pride Pursuit XL Heavy Duty, complete with crimson paint and a basket filled with various snacks and drinks. Already in his left hand is a pork hotdog smothered in chili and pickle relish. In the right hand was a cherry red slurpee from 7/11.
Aries stares down the young man, as the young man stares back with his eyes widened, still covering his nose and mouth. Aries shakes his head in a disapproving manner, with a look of contempt plastered on his face. The tension is very high. The OCW legend looks the man in eye, but just before he can speak; a voice can be heard in the distance.
?? – “THERE SHE BLOWS! THERE SHE BLOWS! A HUMP LIKE A SNOW-HILL! IT’S MOBY DICK!”
Aries – “GOD DAMN IT!”
Aries throws down his slurpee in a furious rage, as laughter can be heard from the antagonizing voice in the background.
Aries – “OH GREAT! NOW LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO, YOU LITTLE SHITS!”
Aries rakes his fingers through his scraggily beard, groaning like a bear awoken from hibernation. He looks back over at the young man, and growls.
Aries – “YOU KNOW WHAT?! I TOLD YOU PEOPLE BEFORE TO LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!”
The young man stares at Aries before responding.
Young Man – “…you people?”
Aries – “YES, YOU PEOPLE! I DON’T WANT TO BUY ANY OF YOUR GOD DAMNED WEIGHT LOSS PACKAGES! DO I LOOK FAT TO YOU?!”
Young Man – “Well…”
Aries' moon shaped face lights up like a boiling lobster. He puts his Rascal in reverse, and slowly backs away from the door, with a murderous look gazing upon the young man.
Young Man – “Wait! I’m…I’m your biggest fan!”
The Stay Puft Massmallow Man stops short in his doorway, as the look of anger turns into delight, like a fresh, garlic basted chicken just popped out of the oven.
Aries – “You…you are? OF COURSE YOU ARE!”
Aries laughs and drives slowly up to the young man.
Aries – “What can I do for you, son?!”
Young Man – “Well, I was wondering if…”
Aries interjects.
Aries – “As a matter of fact; where are my manners? COME IN!”
Aries waves his hand at the young man, motioning him to enter his home. The smell emanating from the house had still not dissipated. In fact, it had only gotten worse since he opened the door. Aries turns his Rascal around 180 degrees, and drives down the short, worn down hallway. The young man is hesitant to enter, but at the cost of meeting his “hero”, he steps in Aries’ uninviting abode.
Walking down the hallway, he notices a row of paintings on the walls. At first glance, each painting is an obvious forgery of famous historical works. The Mona Lisa, The Touch of God from the Sistine Chapel and Scream from Vincent Van Gogh. However, upon further inspection of each painting, the young man notices something bizarre. Something…eerie about each painting. They all have Aries in them.
“The Mona Aries” depicts the OCW Legend sitting in a chair, smirking with pesto sauce drench down his lower lip. “The Touch of Aries” depicts a rather obese, naked Aries touching Adam. The engraving below the painting reads, “…and then he created them in his own image.” Adam was on a Rascal with a bag of cheese puffs in hand, just as his “creator”. The final painting, “Eat”, is painted in the style of “Scream”. Aries is staring into the soul of whoever views this painting, as he devours a Swiss bacon double cheeseburger in a single bite.
Aries – “Catch up, boy!”
The young man scurries passed the paintings and the junk filled hallway, only to enter Aries’ living room, which was surprisingly tidy. Red velvet carpet, black leather sofa and pale white walls. An old dusty fireplace is in the middle, as if it had never been used. A large flat screen TV is mounted on the wall above the fireplace. “Terrible home design,” thought the young man. In the back of the room, in view of all to see, there was a statue. A marble statue of what seemed to be the statue of David.
Aries – “Su casa, es…mi…casa. Or something like that. WELCOME TO MY HUMBLE ABODE!”
The young man continues to stare in awe at the statue.
Young Man – “Is that really the statue of David?!”
Aries laughed, and looked at the young man.
Aries – “Absolutely not. Who the hell is David?! That’s the statue of ARIES!”
Moving closer to the marble “masterpiece”, he realized Aries wasn’t lying. It was, in fact, the OCW legend. Standing in the same position, except…something is off. Whereas the actual statue of David’s genitals was visible, the statue of Aries genitals was not. Instead, there’s a massive gut preventing the “admirer” from glancing upon the manhood of the Mecca of Mass.
Aries rolls up to the young man on his Rascal, and extends his fat hand onto his shoulder.
Aries – “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”
The young man laughs nervously, and tries to force a smile.
Young Man – “Oh, absolutely, sir!”
Aries – “Haha! It’s a bloody masterpiece. Just like me.”
Aries tightens his grip on the young man’s shoulder.
Aries – “So, what can I do for ya, son?”
The young man nervously smiles at the mad Aries, and takes out what seems to be a notepad and pen.
Young Man – “Well, you see…I just wanted to visit my hero. I was also wondering if I could have an autograph. You know…something that obviously be worth something in the future.”
Aries’ face brightens up like the golden Sun.
Aries – “Of course that’s what you’re here for. Why wouldn’t be? Give me that pen and paper…and fifty dollars.”
Young Man – “Fifty dollars?!”
Aries – “THIS ISN’T A CHARITY, PAL! FIFTY!”
Aries holds out his hand, waiting for the man to put all three in his hand.
Young Man – “Fine, but…I want the autograph first.”
Aries – “Haha! I don’t usually do this, but you seem like a fine young lad. Fine, fine. Give me the notepad and pen.”
The young man hands Aries the notepad and pen, as Aries has the biggest shit eating grin on his face. The pad is already opened, as the young man points down to the paper.
Young Man – “Just sign here. My name is Tate Featherbottom.”
Before signing his “John Hancock”, Aries looks up to the man for a brief moment.
Aries – “What kind of monster names their child Tate?! That’s just SICK! AND YOU’RE BLACK!”
The young man sighs, as Aries presses the pen against the pad, finally signing his name. He slaps the notepad and the pen against Tate’s chest, and holds out his other hand for the money.
Aries – “Well?”
Tate – “One second, sir.”
Tate takes the notepad from Aries’ fat hand, and takes out a piece of paper. He smiles and hands it over to the OCW legend, as Aries looks up in confusion.
Aries – “What’s this? A receipt?”
Tate – “No sir, you’ve just been served. Have a nice day.”
As Tate starts to leave, Aries scratches the top of his head. He looks over to Tate.
Aries – “Served? But…I don’t see any food. WHERE’S THE FOOD?!”
Tate stops and slaps the top of his forehead. Just when he thought he was out, Aries pulls him back in. Tate turns around, and walks back over to the former world champion.
Tate – “Sir, those are court papers. You are being sued. I just needed you to acknowledge that.”
Aries looks back down at the paper, and still doesn’t seem to understand what’s going on.
Aries – “Sued? I’m being sued? For what?!|
Tate – “According to the law firm that I represent, you have stolen something belonging to a Mr. Mugen, one of our highest paying clients.”
Aries – “…who?”
Tate – “…Mugen?”
Aries continues to look baffled, as if he had never heard that name.
Aries – “What the hell are you saying, boy?! STOP SPEAKING GIBBERISH!”
Tate – “MUGEN! HE’S AN ASIAN MAN! FORMER NORTH AMERICAN CHAMPION!”
A light bulb finally goes off in that greasy head.
Aries – “OOOOH!”
Aries laughs and shakes his head in disappointment.
Aries – “You mean MAGEN, you silly goose.”
Tate – “I’m pretty sure it’s…”
Aries – “No, no! it’s Magen! I think it’s French or some shit. Anyway, what did I steal from him? I don’t remember ever going near that man.”
Tate – “Something called the…” small package”, I believe.
Aries’ eyes widen with anger. “Small package?!”, he thought. His faced turned red once again, as if he had been choking for hours on a nugget.
Aries – “SMALL PACKAGE?! HOW DARE THE TWO OF YOU! YOU COME INTO MY HOME, AND…TELL ME I’M BEING SUED FOR MY SMALL PACKAGE?!”
Tate is visibly frightened at the anger being showcased by the OCW legend. Aries stands up out of his Rascal, and almost lunges at Tate.
Aries – “SMALL PACKAGE?! HE’S AN INDIGENOUS ASIAN! HOW DARE HE INSINUATE THE THE MOUNTAIN OF MANHOOD HAVE A SMALL PACKAGE! I HAVE QUITE THE LARGE PACKAGE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!”
Tate – “Now that’s just racist..”
Aries – “Racist? I’M A GOD DAMNED LEGEND! You know what? I’m going to prove to you that I have a large package.”
Tate – “OH GOD! NO! SIR! That is completely unnecessary! PLEASE!”
Aries takes both of his hands, and places them on his meaty thighs. He pushes both of his hands inward, towards his genitals, creating an impression of a rather large penis. Tate averts his eyes.
Aries – “LOOK AT IT!”
Tate – “NO!”
Aries – “LOOK AT IT, DAMN IT!”
Tate peaks out of the corner of his eye to notice that…Aries “bulge” wasn’t really a bulge at all. It was a mixture of fat and cloth. There was no penis present.
Tate – “Ummm…sir…that’s not a penis…”
Aries – “WHAT?! AND WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT PACKAGES?! NOTHING, THAT’S WHAT!”
Tate – “Well…I am gay…”
Aries – “YOU’RE GOD DAMN RIGHT YOU ARE! YOU COME INTO MY HOME AND ACCUSE ME OF HAVING A SMALL PACKAGE, AND THEN YOU STARE AT MY PENIS?! GAAAAAAAAAY!”
Tate – “Now you’re just being a bigot!”
Aries – “NO, I’M BEING A GOD DAMNED LEGEND! GET OUT OF MY HOME, BEFORE I THROW YOU OUT!”
Tate – “FINE, I WILL!”
Aries – “AND BEFORE YOU GO, TELL THAT MAGEN…”
Tate interjects.
Tate – “MUGEN!”
Aries – “GESUNDHEIT! TELL THAT MAGEN THAT I WILL BE COUNTERSUING YOU AND HIM FOR SEXUAL HARASSMENT! HE WANTS A GOD DAMNED FIGHT?! HE’LL GET ONE! TELL HIM TO COME FIND ME ON TURMOIL! I’LL GIVE HIM THE HARDEST PACKAGE HE’S EVER RECEIVED!”
Tate – “Oh God!”
Tate storms out the house, as Aries continues to breathe heavily.
Aries – “Giving me heart palps. Do these idiots not know who I am? I’m a God damned legend…stupid sonnova…”
Aries picks up a half-eaten burger out of the basket and takes a rather large bite out of it. He looks at his court papers once more. After swallowing the food, he hocks a loogie right onto the paper, and sticks onto his refrigerator door.
Aries – “Small package my ass. Fucking Magen…”
