Useless Dane Xavier

Dane Xavier's Riot Review This week's epidsode: "Chronicles of the Long Lost Egyptian Mole-Rat" So I had a gigantic review written up last week in the “reply to thread” box, and stupid me accidentally linked away from it after writing it. So this week I’m writing in Microsoft Word because that’s what I should have done all along. Anyhow, we’re in Charlotte, North Carolina this week, Flair Country! WOOOOOOOOOO! How fitting would it be if I actually won the North American Championship in Charlotte? The beginning of my rise to the top starts in The Nature Boy’s hometown! But I’m getting too far ahead of myself, let’s get on with the show. Hennig comes out and announces that he’s giving the commentary the week off, so I figure why not give some commentary myself in a review. Hennig is throwing his weight around; I don’t understand the purpose of this decision, our GM is drunk tonight. No, I’m not going to use the metaphor that he’s drunk with power, I mean drunk on alcohol, you can tell by the way he walked down to the ring, looking like he’s trying to keep himself from puking. Lucas Crowe vs. ?: I said this in my long lost review last week, but I love Lucas Crowe’s entrance and music. They go well together and it works nicely for the gimmick. Who is Crowe to face? I don’t know, let’s click play to find out… Crowe’s here and ready to fight! Gotta love the VINTAGE tenacity from this man… too commentary-like for a review? Ah well, Crowe’s opponent is Dorien Arnaud, I like his music and entrance combo, it’s pretty epic. If he sticks with this track, he has earned the right to go by his first name, DORIEN. I can see it now! Dorien, the Swaggerin’ Canadian! There’s your market kid! I mark for the semi-Dennis Rodman look, PLEASE stick to this theme! So the match starts with a markable moment, ROCK PUNCH + ORTON TAUNT! I had to chuckle. The match is evenly paced for the most part; no one really completely dominated the match. I laughed when Dorien when for a diving move and Crowe just walked out of the way, reminds me of something Samoa Joe would do. I marked hard for the leverage pin, reversed into another pin! That’s a pretty cool feature this year, I don’t think I’ve ever seen that. Close two count! WTF, another leverage pin! The match goes on a little longer, still back and forth, and Crowe picks up the win with a nice sig/fin combo, that fits your character very nicely. I’m going to steal from MMM here and go with the format on how he rates things… so credit to him for the idea. SCORE: ***** Here comes Darkside to do some smack talking, I suppose they aren’t too happy about the up and coming Black on Black crime that I consider to be a nice treat. They better do it right this time… dammit I eat my words! It’s not going to happen? These guys really don’t want to touch each other, or at least not in the violent way… see what I did there? This RP is great and had the potential to be greater if they talked about having the Darkside vs. Darkside match on the grandest stage of them all, but I’m getting WAY ahead of the game with that. Smythe threatens RD Money, and I hope he’s watching. He’s a hypocrite for taking away one black on black dream match and gives us a whole different perspective. The only problem is, if this match happened, no one will be able to see what’s going on in the ring. Good stuff Darkside, let’s see what you do with it, I look forward to it. Chris Baxter vs. David Jackson: The pirates collide in a fast paced match! I know these guys are EX’s, but Baxter sure moves fast for a chubby guy! But seriously, was this match sped up because it was too long? Don’t do that; just cut it up. I’m assuming these guys were going by old rules because the match would only be long if that were the case. If not then they must be really evenly paced. Honestly I can’t watch this; it’s hurting my eyes. I’m going to fast-forward to the end. Sorry, but I just can’t watch this. I’m going to start reviewing at the point where the match is finally slowed down. Some nice kicks on both ends, I find it funny that we have a rapist against a switch hitter, quite the disturbing matchup. These guys are obviously evenly matched, but they need to up the aggressiveness, the rules this year allow for it. Baxter wins it off the Flip Piledriver, which fits him nice. All in all good match aside from the part that made me dizzy in the beginning. SCORE: ***** First Crowe chokeslams Trevor through the ring, now he’s putting him in a casket! What does this all mean? What did Trevor ever do to Crowe that pissed him off so bad? Did he give him a bad hotdog? This feud is interesting and full of questions. I like it, but I hope those questions are answered soon as I am interested in this feud. There is another nice feud building between Guy Fausto and Dylan Jones. Jones seems to think that Fausto is trying to mentor him, and Fausto seems to be playing along. I think this is a setup, if Jones goes to attack Smythe, he’s probably being set up. Mind fuck the name of the game when it comes to the nerdy Fausto. Bonus Match: Oh God, not another tag team match! Last week in my long lost review, I noted that I actually sat through that half-hour nonsense. There were some markable moments that which made it somewhat entertaining, but it was just too long. I’m going to give these guys another chance and watch this match, I have a good feeling about it after what went down between Thanatos and Robert Fearo last week. I’m not even sure whom they’re facing, looks like Justin Gabriel and Justin Gabriel. A positive in this match: frequent tags. A negative: the camera angle kills it. Why on earth did THQ think that this was a good idea? Were they thinking at all? Anyways, I’m thinking this is Team Hostility that’s facing Kane and Hurricane… er… Batman and Robin… oh that’s right, Thanatos and Fearo. Sorry, you guys just have such familiar looks to you. Anyhow, these guys are really entertaining as a team and this match seems to be going better than last week’s half-hour spectacular. They have the edge in this match over whoever it is they are facing, but I’m still rooting for Team Unknown so that I can see who they are when their name shows up in the winner plate. Epic hot tag fail into the chokeslam! I marked! This leads to a victory for Fearo and Thanatos with a hot tag of their own, into a reverse DDT finisher, looks good on Thanatos. SCORE: ***** Bonus Match II: So I was wrong about that tag match, it obviously wasn’t Team Hostility. Brandon faces off against K.Dangelo who was supposed to face Smythe tonight, but earlier situations provide otherwise. Did I just realize that Hostile ruined this match like 3 days ago in the chatbox when he was bragging about his first SvR11 win? I hope not, because if KD taps like a bitch then I’ll be disappointed. KD is indeed a beast this year, as he seems to be back on the game he was on in late 2009. Hostile keeps reversing the irish whip in the corner with the springboard, try and cut back on that a bit. All in all, this was a good match. Evenly paced, but KD has the size advantage in this one. He wins the match with a backbreaker sig and spear fin. Suppose the finisher works on him. SCORE: ***** Mayhem vs. Hazard: I’ve been waiting for this match all week! I’m kinda disappointed that Hazard isn’t coming out to Miley Cirus this week, but you can’t always get what you want. He comes out of the gates right at Mayhem with a running grapple, a little cheesy but Hazard realizes his life could end tonight. Wait… wtf? LOL! The cheesy bastard just got played! Nice editing of your original start Mayhem! I mark for showing cheesiness. I know Hazard is already a tiny dude, but Mayhem makes him look like a little kid! He is eating this baby alive right now! When I was a little kid, I was at a pool party, and this girl was there and she always loved to make fun of my middle name. She kept calling me “Lee!” and I started crying and chased her into the house. My mom scolded me about it but the next week the little girl started making fun of my middle name again, so I squirted Elmer’s glue in her eyes. Long story short, Mayhem rapes Hazard and wins it with a diving headbutt! LMAO! SCORE: ***** Jookie Marley vs. Guy Fausto: Chinlock. SCORE: ***** MATCH OF THE NIGHT VOTE: Mayhem eating a baby. By the way, here’s the photo that I want to be used when the Champions section is edited. KTHANXBAI. http://i59.photobucket.com/albums/g289/jlethridge1/DaneXavier22.jpg

So... Hostile had two matches in one night? Interesting.

Who in the world were Thanatos and Fearo facing?

Page 2 for my review, which is almost done.

Wow, I'm... just ribbing the big guy Brandon... take it easy man, he knows I'm joking. Yeah I lost, that doesn't matter to me. I'm satisfied because we had match of the week last week. All is right and good in the world!

So at first I thought Mayhem was confusing my theme song for being on Relapse when it's on Recovery, but then I realized he meant it was HIS relapse back to cheesiness. At least he's being up front about it. :-P

Can I safely say that Morrison found a way to give us all chub without sounding homo?

Bring it hotdog vendor! Let's hope the match ends in time for your shift!

You don't want to be picking me, because I'll make sure you eat your words.

You will be shutting up pretty fast come Certified Greatness.

The funny thing is, when you hit reply with quote and changed my text, YOU are the one that wrote those words. So you sir, just came out of the closet.

Because you're a dumbass.

Because you're a dumbass.

I did this last week, but I'm going to redo it because I remembered a shit load of stuff I left out.

It was OUT OF SPITE!!

The rematch, the one you cheesed the hell out of me in. We really bringing this back Mayhem?

If King Kong ain't got nothin on you, then I'm assuming he'd run away from me too. AMIRITE? Poser.

Because black on black violence is cool, no matter what the kids think.

Juan Cone, Mexican "Cousin" of John Cone? http://i52.tinypic.com/24xqjv9.jpg

With 5 people in the ring, one of them being the ref, I wonder what the chances are of you Frog Splashing him again.

I recorded, and since my tron is in HD the whole thing was as well. I need to resize part of it so that it can be in regular def as well, but Hennig next time check the settings of whatever you use to edit (I believe it was WMM, what you can to is go to tools>options and change the aspect ratio to 16:9). But next time I'll either record in HD (when I get HD equipment) or make my tron available as 4:3. EDIT: By the way, thanks for looking out on making the MOTW video this week Hennig, I had the mind to do so but I went out of town for my sister's baby shower and I just got back. I know guys don't usually go to that sort of thing but HIS family is Hispanic so they like to get the whole family involved, or so I'm told.

Boss you are one sexy mother fucker, in that bald 10 o'clock shadow sickly way, no homo.

Oh, okay, so we get to page 2 and no one has anything to say? Last week some controversy caused the ruckus and made you people talk? Do I have to claim that my batteries died and that's the reason I lost? If everything goes well people don't say anything. Posers.

No problem, but from now on, I'm not Photoshopping shitty images from my recording device. I'm going into the studio next week and recording everyone's CAW in HD, so upload your shit or be forgotten.

Page 2!